Tuesday, November 29, 2011

glimpses of my life

Matt wraps his arms around me, and sings, "All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, is heeeeeere in MY arms. Words are very unnecessary."

Theo sees me begin to cook and comes running in the kitchen. He scoots a chair over to me, climbs up next to me, points to the stove and says, "Beary, beary hot."

We drop Matt off at work and start the drive towards Mason's school. He reads 'I'll love you forever' to his brothers and sings the song

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be...   just like I sing it to him. 

Theo is crying for more milk. I ask him to go get his cup, but he is being 2 and refuses. No cup, no milk buddy. Will hops down from his chair and walks over to his baby brother. "It's ok, Feo. What's wrong? You want your miwk?" He walks into the living room and gets the milk cup for his Fe-o.

They teach me so much more than I could ever hope to teach them.

Monday, November 28, 2011

it's a monday.

I have one sick kid on the couch, who started puking in the car. {Yay for empty cups left laying on the floor!}

I have one potty-training kid who stayed dry ALL DAY yesterday! And that includes one episode of I-am-going-to-scream-while-I-poop-because-it-is-surely-the-most-horrible-thing. Will has sat on the potty for a total of 35 minutes today and still no pee. I am thankful we made it to my school and back home with no accidents but now I am pumping fluids into him to get some out! Wish us luck!

My sweet two year old? He is not so sweet these days. He has a new love for biting, and hitting his brothers with lightsabers. We're working on it. Good thing he is chubby-faced and adorable!

School is wrapping up in about a week and a half, and I am in full writing papers/finishing projects mode. I am sooooo ready for the break. Have I said that? Oh, I have? Well, I am.

Matt and I are also fighting colds, so it's been a bit exhausting around here. And Christmas...don't even get me started on Christmas, because well, I haven't started. I KNOW.

How about you, friends? Are you ready for Christmas, or just out of the holiday spirit this year??

Monday, November 21, 2011

yeah, I'm confused too.

I pretty much tried to do NaBloPoMo and failed miserably.

I mean, PEOPLE! I am trying to finish a semester, stay on top of the med situation, try to start to maybe, just maybe, THINK, about packing up an entire house with two toddlers underfoot and I.just.can't.

I run out of time every.single.day.

I am so ready to have a month off from papers, projects and deadlines, oh my!
I am ready to show you all some great things I have up my sleeve for this little 'ol blog during the month long break from school.
I am ready to accomplish more than just dishes, dinner, and assignments.

For heavens sake, I went grocery shopping this morning and they are not even all put away yet! It's 315pm here. 

I would also like to add that, while writing this post, I have been interrupted three times:
1. For snuggles after a head bonk.
2. For fixing of Will's precious train {which always defers to Daddy. "Oh, Daddy will fix that when he gets home!"}
3. For the filling of sippy cups AGAIN.

This sure is a glamourous life!

In summation:
-I failed at NaBloPoMo. -I feel not an ounce bad about it.
-My life is busy. -Blog posting is hit or miss.
-Please continue to come visit. -Love you all.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

thankfulness, part one.

You may have heard about the thankful challenge on Facebook. The challenge is to post something that I am thankful for every day in the month of November. The following is the first part of the month's thankfulness.  

November 1st-Tonight I am thankful for my husband and all that he does and brings to our family. We are so blessed!

November 2nd-Tonight I am thankful for my precious family and the joy they daily bring to my heart. I cannot imagine my life without these 6 wonderful people!

November 3rd-Today I am thankful for modern medicine! I have bipolar disorder and am just so grateful that there is medication that helps me, and I am able to purchase said medication without a second thought.

November 4th-I am thankful for the wonderful, and diverse, friends that I have. Each and every one of them was placed in my life purposefully, and I am so grateful.

November 5th-I am thankful for the two, blissful hours of clothes shopping I was able to do today, thanks to my Matty. Its amazing how efficient one is at shopping WITHOUT a screaming 2 & 3 year old. I scored a pair of $50 jeans for myself for $10! It's the little things!

November 6th-I am thankful for new beginnings! I started Weight Watchers today and am excited to get healthy!

November 7th-I am thankful that God gave me the gift of motherhood. There are so many people who struggle with conceiving and carrying a child, and I was blessed to come by both of these quite easily. I am so thankful for that gift and what it brought me- my gorgeous boys!

November 8th-I am thankful for the precious gift of my Mason God gave to me! I was a baby having a baby, but it was all in Gods plan. Love my oldest boy sooooo much! { And I already said I was thankful for my sons, but I don't care, I am saying it again.}

November 9th-Today I am thankful for my home. It is not perfect and it's nearly always messy but it's warm, cozy and safe. There are many people in this world that cannot say that.

November 10th-I am thankful that both Will & Theo are napping at the SAME TIME! This hasn't happened in months!

November 11th-I am thankful for every man or woman that has fought or served to give me my freedom.

November 12th-I am thankful for this body I have. It's not perfect and has some major fixes (working on it) BUT ( Big but!) it nourished three lives. I grew three humans and my body is miraculous for that!!

November 13th-I am thankful tonight for being lucky enough to have five wonderful senses to experience this beautiful world with. I am blessed to be able to see, hear, smell, taste and touch life!!

November 14th-I am thankful that I am a stay at home mom. I am living the life I used to dream about, and I need to remember that on the hard days.

 November 15th-I am thankful for a messy house...it means my children are making memories. :)

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

on rodents, old houses and moving!

We live in a super old house- 102 years old, to be exact.

We also live outside of a busy city, in a little city, right by a bunch of fields and farms.

Come wintertime, little rodents like to pay us a visit. Major yuck factor!!

Once again, our traps are out. We have caught 8 mice in 2 days! Grooooossss!

We had decided this past year, that although we rent, we would patch up the holes in the house letting in the disgusting critters. However, since we are now moving, that's not going to happen. So, we live with the ickiness for a few more weeks.

Oh, what's that? You didn't know we were moving? {You do if you are on FB.}

More on why we are moving tomorrow....

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


Today I took my youngest boys out to lunch at Subway after picking Will up from preschool.

While noshing on sandwiches, Will looks at me and says, "Mommy, I freeee (three)."
I showed him how to hold up three fingers. (Not easy when you ARE three, oh the irony.)

Will looked over at Theo and said, "Feo- you twwooo."

However, Theo did not want to be two. He wanted to be three.

"No buddy, YOU are TWO!"

"Me freeee, me freee!"

You are right, you are not two (as you writhe and scream in a restaurant about your age).
I think I proved my point. But not to him.

Monday, November 14, 2011

thank you pinterest.

For those of you who knew of Pinterest and did not inform me sooner- you are mean. 
Why oh why did so many hold out on telling me about such amazingness??
I am Nicole Drysdale-Rickman, find me. 
And, if you need an invite, you just let me know.

ps: if YOU want to try this mask, mix:
2 tbsp Honey, 1 tsp Nutmeg, 1 tsp Cinnamon.
Mix and let sit for 30 minutes, rinse well. 

It totally made my skin as soft as a baby's butt. 

Sunday, November 13, 2011

my wonderful firstborn.

I love my freckle-faced, brown-eyed, auburn-haired, smart-as-a-whip, kind-hearted, blessing!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

giving thanks for hope.

It's Saturday night, late, 11:41pm late, and I am waiting, waiting, waiting on my love to finish up his blog post for the evening.

It's been a long day, it always is in this house. The hours are long and bedtime for my babies means I breathe a sigh that we made it through another day. And that this mama can have some me time for a couple hours.

I am so thankful for these beautiful gifts God gave me. God knew before I did not only how much my children would need me, but how much I would need them.

He knew that I would struggle through the deepest darkest depressions I could ever imagine, and that oftentimes the only light would be my sweet boys. There have been days I have wondered if I could take another step, wondered if it would still be worth it to keep fighting, and with them the answer is always  Yes.

They are my breath and my soul and they, along with their sweet daddy, help me keep hope.

And thank God for hope.

Also? Thank God for medication. Wonderful, amazing medication that is helping me slowly regain who I really am.

Friday, November 11, 2011

headless seal

Only one person will get this title. and that's a-ok.  HI KYMIE!!

I have this friend. Who I had many adventures with in my teenage days. But then she moved away-to St. Louis. Sad face.  

Last night she was in town with her husband's band. Check them out, they are very good!

And we had to goof off a little with the camera, of COURSE!

i love her.
we are models, can't you tell?!
it looks like i am sitting on her lap. i wasn't.

It takes a long time to grow an old friend. -John Leonard

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Lucky lucky girl

I sit here in bed, next to my handsome man.

He looks at me and I can see his adoration of me.
What did I ever do to deserve his affection?

I feel so incredibly blessed.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

our most mellow Oct. 31st

Um. It's November 9th and I still have not shown you all my kids' Halloween costumes.

Last year's costumes were awesome and there was no way I was going to top them, and to be honest I just could not find the energy.

So, this year, I let the kids pick their costumes from the bucket o' outfits we have accumulated over the years.

Except Mason. Since he is the oldest boy, there are not any costumes big enough to fit him the next year. He got a new costume!

Our Elmo, Anakin Skywalker and Yoda.

We trick-or-treated for about 20 minutes, passed out candy for an hour after that, and called it a night.
It was super mellow and super fun.
*Daph and Jack were with their mom this year, so that's why no pics of all 5.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

the most fascinating post you will ever read.

My brain hurts.
And I have nothing to say.
But, I committed to blogging daily for a month.
Here I am-exhausted with a mile long to-do list to begin in the morning.
One of which involves completing math homework that's 3 weeks late.
Don't judge me.
It's also 11:45pm.
So, Good night.

Monday, November 7, 2011

it all started with a pair of jeans.

I loved my time alone with my coffee the other day.

I loved finding a new pair of jeans.

What I did not love was the body that faced me in a dressing room mirror.

It is my own doing- my own choices. A choice NOT to exercise. A choice to eat instead of deal with an emotion. A choice to eat more when I am already satisfied. Lots of unhealthy choices.

They are all choices I have made that have led me to this point.

When I stare in the mirror, I don't even recognize myself. I have gained SO much weight and am the heaviest I have ever been.

I finally got sick of the excuses I kept making.

I joined Weight Watchers.

It is Day Two and things are going great, but I am battling bad habits. Bad habits of overeating and boredom snacking.

I am proud of these two days however I have a long way to go. 100 pounds long.

So, I will write out this journey- because writing heals and teaches me.

If you care to join me, you can find my future posts on this subject on my weight loss blog!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

skulls, snails and puppy dog tails

When my meds are off {which they currently are}, I have a hard time relaxing my brain to the point of sleep.

My Matty? He is snoozing the second his head hits the pillow.  'Twas the case last night as Matt was fast asleep on the couch. I was bored and sleepless so I began perusing Old Navy's online selection of clothes for our big boys, Mason and Jack.

This, friends, is what I kept running across:

Skulls. That Represent Death. On Boys Clothing. 


What is the appeal of putting a symbol of death on a piece of fabric a child is wearing?

I don't get it. 

And it's not just Old Navy. Look what I found on Target's site: 

Not getting this trend, and CERTAINLY not putting this trend on my boys! 

Are you as taken aback as I am about this symbol all over boy's fashion? Or could you care less?   What's your take on the matter?

Saturday, November 5, 2011

i promise there's a point. i think.

today i thought to myself {and said out loud to my husband} that my children were driving me to madness.

and when i get to the place where i am eager to sell them to the highest bidder, it's time for a break. 

we had to go over to the in-laws' house to shovel their driveway {they had been out of town and were coming home} and we thought it would be nice to put some groceries in their fridge so they didn't come home, late at night, to NOTHING.

so we did. and, as we were leaving all the kids wanted to ride with daddy {we had come in separate cars} and suddenly i had an empty car, little kids that were going home to nap, and a daddy available to go with them.

so i took full advantage and hit up the 'ol starbucks. then headed to kohl's to replace my sad and overly used jeans.

 i sipped and shopped and breathed deeeeppp breaths. i did not have to wrangle little people flailing all over the place. i did not need to plan a snack to keep them occupied. i did, however need to find some jeans, and find I did! $10, baby for a cute pair! i also managed to save more than i spent, which makes a girl feel gooood.

why do i wait so long to give myself a break? i am always amazed at how restored i am.

my cup was empty and then i filled it- twice: once with sweet, sweet alone time and once with sweet, sweet pumpkin spice latte. :)

Friday, November 4, 2011

just stopping in to say heeeyyy...

So, first off HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

I thought I loved Fridays before I had kids. But, NOW, as a stay at home mama I love Fridays even more because HELLOOOOOO....DADDY IS HOME!!! ALL WEEKEND!!! Oh, the joy!

I am sick today because of starting up a new medication. It wears off but until then, nausea city! The cure? Pretzels (the salllltt!) and Halloween candy.

I have picked up no less than 4 pairs of my Mattyboy's shoes off the ground today. What IS IT with men not picking up their shoes? Or their empty flavored water cans? If these are really my issues, I guess I have it pretty good.

I am participating in Nablopomo!! So you will be seeing my pretty {and not so pretty} words daily this month!!

So come back tomorrow! I will be here, pounding out my thoughts....this could get scary.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I love my baby boy.

Theo is quite likely the sweetest two year old you will ever meet. 
He was mellow in the womb, mellow as a baby and mellow now. He certainly has had a few tantrums and meltdowns but it's been NOTHING next to his brothers and their records. 

Theo and I are sidekicks. I am usually a) being asked to hold him OR b)  holding him, as evidenced in my last video.  He is a mama's boy through and through and would be content to lay in my arms all the day long. I am happy to oblige. 

At 2 years, almost 3 months, he is in love with books, milk, and well, me. I love to munch on his precious cheeks and you know what? His cheeks always taste like candy. Don't ask me how, the kid must just ooze sweetness. 
He has captured my heart and as crazy as it was to have two kids in 16 months, I am soooo glad we did!!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


they are getting taller and bigger
and it's November, oh my goodness
which leads to Christmas and then a whole new year and birthdays and
in my head it's already spring, then summer

and I can't slow it down
and I can't catch my breath
because laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, preschool help days, schoolwork, and all the rest of it
doesn't rest.

and oftentimes, I feel like I don't either.
I wake up each day thinking, Did I really sleep?
And is it really another day?

I fight to pull myself out of darkness daily.
I do it more for my children than for myself lately.
Thank God for them.

And I need to get to the doctor, need to tell her the words I hate saying
We need to try something else
But that's another trip, more money, more time that I just don't have.

So I take another anxiety med, do another school assignment, change another diaper, kiss another face.
I feel alone in a sea of faces. I am comforted by the memory of 2 months I felt normal, felt good.
And I know I will be there again soon- just as soon as I find the time.
I will find the time.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Sucktastic Tuesday

 We had a huge snow yesterday...the very first snow of the season. The day started off with so much potential! Falling snow, nowhere to be, movies, babies, snuggling.

I let our dog outside to pee. About 10 minutes later, I heard a banging on our front door.
There was a strange man who told me that my dog was outside. Bonnie escapes all the time through the front gate, so I told him to hang on while I got my shoes.

I go outside and she is laying in the street, one house down. She is not lifting her head. I ask what happened, he says he didn't see her and she must have walked right under the car. I couldn't see any blood, but there was a tear under her leg and it was deep.

I pretty much froze. I didn't know what to do. It was clear she was not ok. I ran back to the house to grab my phone and 30 seconds after I returned, Bonnie stopped breathing. Her eyes were glazed over. The man checked her pulse. She was gone. At this time, Matt was calling me back and I told him what had just happened.

I couldn't think clearly. My head was spinning. The mans daughter was sitting in his truck, bawling. I was bawling. The man started to cry as well. It was horrible.

The man suggested grabbing a sheet so he could carry her back to our house. All I kept thinking was, HOW IS BONNIE DEAD?! I just let her out back minutes ago!

He carried her and laid her in our front room. Matt came home early and buried our dog. I couldn't stop crying. I still cant stop crying. I just feel soo bad for Bonnie, what a horrible way to die. I really hope she wasn't in much pain in those few minutes.

Honestly, she wasn't my favorite dog. She was old and stubborn. But, I sure didn't want her hurt or killed. I miss her following me around today. Our house is eerily quiet. As much of a pain in the butt as she was, she was a part of our family. And I am so sad.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

tonight's post brought to you by bullet points.

-I found a little lump/knot on Theo's neck/back area. We are heading to the doctor this week and I have a knot in my stomach. Please pray it's just something goofy or me overreacting. 

-I sat in stop and go traffic tonight for an hour! Ugh. Oh, what's that? You want a picture of that? Well, ok! Head over here: mattrickman365.blogspot.com

-I think my depression meds have stopped working. I have not missed a dose, nothing has changed but suddenly I feel all wonky. Here we go again....

-A friend of mine had a beautiful baby boy this weekend (Baby Dylan). I snuggled and breathed him in today and it was bliss. 

What did you do this weekend??


Thursday, October 13, 2011

'lil bit of this, 'lil bit of that.

Last night Matt and I {along with our sidekicks, Will & Theo} chowed down on some amazing grub at this place!  

Then we came home where Matt went to work on the old Mac for his newest adventure. You might remember Matt's challenge last year- the one where he committed to biking to work everyday for a year. That's right, through snow, rain and extreme heat & cold- he biked. Never being one to sit still, he has signed on for a new challenge of taking his camera with him everywhere he goes to find the beautiful in the everyday. He blogs his thoughts and a photo nightly- Go check it out! 

Today has been full of preschool, story time, and coffee hour with some friends. I have been puttering around the house this afternoon, catching up on my favorite blogs and just generally staying low-key. 
In the mood to laugh {when are we not, right?}? These posts had me busting up!

I hope your Thursday is as low-maintenance as mine! 

Monday, October 10, 2011

do you know what it feels like for a girl, in this world?

If I go missing from this space, you can assume that it means

a. I am struggling through a depressive phase.
b. My brain hurts from life and all that it throws and I just cannot formulate the words OR
c. I am having way too much fun to bother writing/typing it down.

Surprisingly, it's all of the above.

 So much has happened and yet so little has. I am not seeking to be cryptic but I just don't know how to put into words the growth that is happening in my life lately.

I am trying, really HARD, to be more present with my kids, my family. I am battling anxiety like I have never felt. I am digging my way out of some bad diet habits I have created and am striving to be healthier. And then I fail. And I keep trying. I am battling with the demons in my head that tell me I am not good enough, I can't do it, Why try? I am helping a child in this home conquer something big of his.

I am also REALLY working to see the blessings in all of it. I have been meeting new friends, having new playdates, new experiences, and it's all so dang good.

And all soooo darn exhausting!

All that to say: Change is good. :)

Monday, October 3, 2011

I spent an hour crying tonight.

Can you tell Daddy is out of town?

I think our horrible evening was due in only part to everyone in this house missing our main man.

Matt doesn't travel much but by the time this trip commences, he will have been gone for half of last month and the beginning of this one {WELL. Hai There October!}

{I am truly thankful for the wives that have military husbands and don't see their spouses for a year at at time, or longer. I cannot even imagine. To me, the sacrifice the wives make is just as big as the sacrifice the serving spouse makes.}

So, we have been missing Matty's handsome face. And the way he "sets the sun" with bedroom lights at bedtime. Also the the way in which one of his hugs can make the world right again- can make the tantrums and frustration of the days melt away.

I mean, just look at Daddy in action:

Look at Theo's adoration of his daddy, it is precious.

We like the guy, can you tell? Thank goodness he will be home soon! 

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

round these parts

It's 10:24 round these parts.

I have an assignment I need to do {due this evening} and a chapter to read{hello kids nap time}. I had planned to spend the day catching up on laundry, picking up the house and doing homework.

WELL. The universe said we have different plans for you.

It started with the sound of water. Where is that COMING from?
Oh, hello overflowing disgustingness from toilet and bathtub. Oh hello ANOTHER, way gross mess to pick up. Oh, GOODBYE to my plans! and HELLO to a plumber....

I have also been eaten alive by mosquitoes and am feeling madly itchy at the moment. My kids are wound for sound, Matt has the car today and there have already been 4 timeouts. I am trying to stay positive but it's not looking good, folks.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

on anxiety and Target

I met a friend for coffee this morning and ate up all my productive time.
I forgot that I took the last pill in the bottle before bed, yesterday.
We don't usually go to Target at nap time. Today, it was necessary.

I pull into the parking lot and glance back at their seats.
I knew it!
It was far too quiet. They are both out cold.

I sit and think for 5 straight minutes.
Is this worth it? Worth all the screaming that could occur for interrupting nap time?
I decide it is.

I grab a cart and load everything in I will need
BEFORE waking them. Purse, wallet, keys, phone.
I open the door and take a deep breath.

I put one baby into the cart and buckle him.
I promise him juice to keep him happy.
My 3 year old clings to me.

I undo his grip to put him into the cart with his brother.
He starts to fuss. I start to fuss inside my head.
See? What were you thinking?

I promise my two babes juice. And popcorn.
Lots of popcorn. It's ok guys. Oh yes, let's have a hug.
Ok, let's hurry!

In we go. First juice, of course the juice!
A big bag of popcorn, they are munching away
I hit the pharmacy, grab mouse traps, folders and notecards.

I giggle with my boys.
They still munch.
We walk to checkout.

They throw popcorn on the checkout belt.
I pick it up, grab a wipe, it's my second nature now to clean after these boys.
I pay, we exit.

Back into the car we go, big handfuls of popcorn.
It all worked out. It was actually fun.
Isn't that how it always goes?

I need to remember that the next time.

This post was inspired by Heather of the Extraordinary Ordinary who has inspired many bloggers to get back to writing simply.

Just Write

Saturday, September 17, 2011

it is what it is.

Its early Saturday afternoon in these parts and I am needing to accomplish a plethora of math homework and Human A&P studying. 

I really feel like the 3 1/2 months school is in session {just the fall} and the 4 months in the spring semester  are madness. 

My house is a disaster. My kids live on Disney movies. And it just is what it is. I cannot make more time magically appear. Papers and studying take priority. Also? My anxiety medicine disappears down my throat much more rapidly. Don't worry, I am not overdosing it or anything. I take it on an as needed basis and during the school year it is much more needed. 

So that's what it is here. I am in survival mode. I am already itching for it to be December, because that means I get a month long break and the constant stress, worry and crazy time balancing game calms for a month. 

How is your Saturday going???

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

They say it's your birthday...

Happy Birthday to the most wonderful man:

My Matty!!! 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


We park in our usual spot- right by the flowers. I unbuckle Theo's seat and scoop him out. He was just sleeping, and has that freshly woken dazed look.

I carry him. He nuzzles his spot in my neck. "Doowwnnnn", he says.

He waddles along. I hear him breathe in deeply and think, He is going to sneeze.

Then CHOO! He shakes it off and stares up at me. Smiles.

"Do you want my hand, buddy?" "Yaahhhhhhh...."

I walk, he waddles, hand in hand into the preschool building to pick up his big brother.


This post is inspired by:

Just Write

Monday, September 12, 2011

how many people can you fit in YOUR bathroom?

 You know that moment in time where everything in your life {kids, husband, life in general}is creeping up under your skin? Please tell me you know.

Anyway, I reached that place this weekend and knew I needed some time away to just be Nicole.
So I escaped.

Where do I go when I need to escape? To my girlfriends, of course!!

see this tiny bathroom? apparently it fits 5 people!
it was hilarious at the time.

ok, 6! 
here's to stupid jokes that make you laugh until you almost pee! 
but hey, I guess we would have been in the right room if that happened! {ba dum ch}

my girlfriends fill my cup to overflowing...

Saturday, September 10, 2011

for the love of mommy's sanity, NAP!!!

Please, PLEASE tell me I am not the only one whose kids are trying to kill me with nap battles.

#1. My 2 and 3 year olds DO still need a nap. Without one, they start disintegrating into screaming zombies around 5pm, and bedtime is not until 730pm.
#2. Mommy needs them to have a nap. My little monkeys get up right about 6, if not sooner. Have you ever spent six straight hours with a toddler and preschooler? In addition to all the other tasks going on around here? It's exhausting. So yes, I absolutely admit that I need that time too- to clean, do schoolwork or just BE for a few.
#3. They have a set nap time. It is the same every!day! When the time changes, we change the nap one hour in whichever direction it needs to go. We have a routine as well. They are allowed one small toy {a car, a doll, etc} to take with them, they have calming music, we turn their fan on, we do kisses and hugs and then it's time.

Yet still, it is SUCH a battle about 4/7 days of the week. The other day, I sat up by their bedroom for two hours and kept going in, laying them back down, going in, over and over and over until I wanted to pull my hair out. I can't do that everyday or even 4 days. I can't.

 We have tried splitting them up to nap, it's that much harder. I have tried staggering their nap times separately however then I end up with one falling asleep just as the other wakes, and that just plain 'ol stinks. 


Thank you immensely, 
The lady who is losing her mind

Friday, September 9, 2011

the end of an era.

five and counting.

this is my friday...

Yesterday it took my boys two HOURS to nap! TWO! 
Today, it took 10 minutes.  Motherhood is so unpredictable.

I am having oatmeal and hot peach tea for lunch. It's amazing.

My living room floor is covered in tracks and trains. I could have asked the 3 year old to pick them up but we were having far too much fun before nap time and I just did not want to. It's sooo worth it to pick them up myself today.

In just about two hours, Matt will come pick me up and I will drive him to the appointment that means no more babies for us. It is needed, but so sad.

How is your Friday shaping up?

Thursday, September 8, 2011

round and round and it's wonderful.

This morning I dropped my 3 year old dude off at preschool.
Then I took my 2 year old dude to story time.

Our story time rocks! There is not constant shhh-ing and asking toddlers to sit. Instead, kids are encouraged to move, jump, sing, laugh and just.be.kids. The leader of this story time loves children with all her heart and it shows. Her patience is endless. Her joy is genuine. It's a good time. Because of this, it's a BIG group. I am talking at least 20 parents with 1-2 kiddos a pop. Big!

Mr. Theo prefers to sit in my lap, rather than dance around. {Go figure. The kid won't stop moving at home, I take him out in public and Wham! I have a lap buddy!}

Today, as I was singing 'The Wheels on the Bus go Round and Round, round and round, round and round' I looked around at 20 other parents singing it with me. 20 other parents spending time with their kids being silly. 20 other parents who get it.

And I realized I am right where I am supposed to be. 

I am a stay at home mama and I am so blessed. So, very, very blessed.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

It's Wednesday, I haven't had my coffee yet and I only know four things.

1. I just had leftover chili for breakfast. Best!Breakfast!Ever!

2. I have an extraordinary amount of laundry/dishes/dusting/homework to do today and not one ounce of energy to begin.

3. All of my boys have colds. Even the adult boy.

4. There will be an obscene amount of children's movies played in my living room today. See #2.

Happy Wednesday!! What do you know today?

Sunday, September 4, 2011

how i get by.

I felt it today. Hard. That familiar pull that tells me, "Just go climb in bed and sleep all day-it's a waste of time to be up, to be alive." My depression sneaks in so suddenly, and then WHAM!  I HAVE been taking my medication for just about 2 months now, but it does not completely eradicate these feelings.

I am so thankful for a partner who is compassionate to this yuck. I shared my feelings and he wisely told me to get up and move around. The thought sounds lovely, but the effort- not so much.  So then he said, "Just stand up."

I stood. He put on music, took my hand and danced with me.

Then I decided all of us needed to escape the house for a bit! So I made sandwiches for supper, rinsed a huge container of grapes and we walked to the park near our house. We ate our pb&J's and watched the sunset. The boys played and played while I took on a swinging competition with Miss Daphne.

Then we walked home where a Jason Mraz concert was still playing on the tv. So we danced. How can one be depressed while watching a 3 year old shake his booty? You just cannot.

These are the moments that get me through. Thank goodness for these beautiful lives that surround me with love when I am down.

Friday, September 2, 2011

clickety click

Kelly's Korner is hosting a favorite bloggers link up and I am participating!

Without further ado, here are five bloggers that I cannot get enough of!

1. Kalli at My life as a Kalli is a Mormon stay at home mom of two adorable boys and I love her take on the world!

2. Stacia at Five of Spaids is a stay at home mama of three awesome kids. She is a friend of a friend and we met through our blogs! I love her superpower of jumping right into my brain, picking the words out I was thinking and putting them in her post. I really relate to her.

3. Natalie blogs at Nat the Fat Rat, lives in New York and has the squishiest baby boy ever. AND his name is Huck- it doesn't get cuter than that. I appreciate the rambliness of her posts and her humor!

4. Chrissa at A Snapshot of Us is actually my cousin through marriage! Even though we have never met in person, I think she is one amazing mother and person, and her writings often touch my heart.

5. Jess at The Macs blogs about the loss of her baby girl, Cora, her handsome son Levi, her impending baby boy arrival, and her walk with God. Her decorating skills are amazing, and I wish I knew this woman in real life.

These are some of my favorite blogs, what's one of yours?

Thursday, September 1, 2011

touched out is an understatement tonight.

you know that day where the two year old wakes up saying no from the second you pull him out of bed? and then continues to repeat the word all day, sometimes screaming it, while you try to get two children fed, bathed, dressed and out the door? and then he continues to scream it during preschool drop off?

and then i decided to be the fun mom who takes her kid to story time and that kid does not even participate but either a) sits in my lap or b) lays on the floor, wailing. kid! this is fun! it's ok to laugh!

and then you are invited to meet friends for coffee and you have an hour to kill before preschool pickup so you go and the two year old refuses to play at the really cool coffee shop play area for kids, but instead would prefer to climb up you, climb on top of a table, dump an entire baggie full of pretzels on the floor, and whine.

and then 5 minutes before you have to leave, the 2 year old becomes quite engrossed {suddenly!} in playing and now does not want to leave. and is telling you so with his screams. and by taking his shoes off for the upteenth time in the car.

so you get to preschool pickup and say, forget it, I am NOT putting that kids shoes on AGAIN. so you rush inside with a barefoot toddler because you are running late due to toddler antics, where your anxious 3 year old thinks you forgot him.

then you should also add in to this mix: not one, not two, but THREE little boys getting colds, one little boy coming home from his dads with his well-timed attitude and dealing with a moronic ex. Oh, please do not leave out that the husband is out of town and your kids have chosen that precise time to awake an hour earlier than normal each day AND not fall asleep until past 10pm.

so you put all your kids to bed early, wish you were into wine because you would totally have a bottle glass if you were and retire to bed early. with a bowl of honey greek yogurt.

and by you, of course I most definitely mean me. 

I would ask for a hug but if one more person touches me today, I might scream.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

this post brought to you by country music

I was 19 with a  red apron tied on over my swollen belly. I was throwing dough in the air in a hot pizza kitchen. The music was blaring good 'ol Brad Paisley and my boss, himself a Brad, was checking pizzas in the oven.

I lived with the man that I thought I was supposed to. I wore long sleeves to work to hide the bruises on my arms, and my boss surely had to have known. I was so sad and scared but I tried my damnedest to hide it! I figured if I made my life sound pretty enough, then one day it would actually be that wonderful, and besides I couldn't bring a baby into this world alone.

He didn't hit me everyday. That was my excuse for him. I lived out that nightmare, day by day, wishing I could have a different life, and sometimes just wishing life could end.

I worked with my boss Monday through Friday from 8-4. Work was my reprieve. Brad was married with two small kids. Often his youngest would be in the back in the morning, watching movies. When he spoke of his wife or she came by to pick up their youngest, his eyes lit up. He was truly in love with his spouse and it showed- in every action he took and every word he spoke. It was the first time in my life I witnessed love that did not hurt. He was a good man and a wonderful husband and father in a time when I had lost hope that any existed.

I worked in the pizza kitchen for 2 years. In that time, I came to know Brad and his family well. I watched over and over as he showed respect to his wife, as he cheered his wife and his children on in everything they attempted. In the slow times at the restaurant, we would chat and I felt safe enough to tell him my own dreams for this life inside of me, for myself. He never judged me or spoke an unkind word. Day after day, he encouraged me.

The business was put up for sale. A new manager took over and it was my time to move on. So, I did. Over time, I gained enough strength to leave that man. While I still had to parent a child with him, I was not subjected to his violence and have done my very best to protect my child from such. I was doing the single mom thing. And then one day, along came this guy- this wonderful man who made my heart skip a beat and whose eyes lit up every time he saw me. He is a man who respects me, who listens to me, and  it's him and I against the world. We are a team, and we are oh so blessed.

This wonderful man is out of town this week and so I put on my country music {because he hates it}. Brad Paisley comes through the speakers and his lyrics pull me back to that time-the time where I had no hope that true love or good people existed until a truly good man showed me differently. I realized today, that my old boss gave me more than just a job, he gave me faith that I would be ok, that there was someone who would treat me how I deserved, that life really is beautiful.

That is better than all the paychecks in the world.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

motherhood: confusing me since 2004

Today was the day that my second to last baby went to preschool. I went to the park afterwards with one child.  And I find myself in a strange position about the matter.

On one hand, I should be happy that my children are growing and that we are moving into a new stage of our lives. They need me less physically {goodbye pregnancy and nursing} and more and more mentally {my three year old can sometimes outsmart me, that little whipper snapper}.

I should be. Yet, in the fashion that I often find myself, I am feeling the exact opposite of how I should be.

I am deeply sad. Mourning the loss of the difference. Mourning the end of seven years of birthing, nourishing, and thriving babies. In addition, my lovely husband is having the procedure done next month that will forever end our baby era.

I know this next stage of life is going to bring wonderful changes and this is the era of having a marriage that isn't attacked by the stress of back to back babies, and our babes are growing and we have FIVE healthy and amazing kids and I know that I know that it's good.

Sometimes it's just hard to say goodbye.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

afternoon naps are grand.

yes they are. but sometimes when all the kids in the house are up from their nap/quiet time before i am, and the husband wakes me up {even if it's the nicest, most snuggly wake up EVER} i still wake up grumpy.

and then require far more attention from my husband than a grown woman should.

at one point this afternoon, I recall saying just this:

"Can you just stop everything you are doing and give me your full attention please, for um, a WHILE?!"

Yep....I can be a bit needy. Good thing I have one awesome mate.

Monday, August 22, 2011

another one bites the dust.

goodbye summer. we loved every minute of you- the lazy ones, the adventurous ones, and even the excruciatingly hot ones!

        i have a 2nd grader! i do not feel old enough to have a 2nd grader!

totally in awe of his big brother!

the kid rejects pictures. but look! he wanted his own backpack, "just like mason." 

we are tired.

Did you know in 2nd grade, walking your kiddo into his actual classroom does not exist anymore? I did not. I totally showed some self-restraint because I wanted to walk my baby, AHEM-my 7 year old into his class! Sigh. 

"Bye Mom!" from Nicole Drysdale-Rickman on Vimeo.

and I already miss him.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

we have reached THAT point.

the point where my kid needs to use the potty. or even go once. or have some freaking interest!

i try not to be affected by the fact that three year olds all around us are potty trained! but i am!


So: questions for you!

1. When said kid {i am looking at you, will} flat out refuses to use the potty, do you force them?
2. What has worked for YOU???
3. Since Theo is newly 2, is it wise or insane to just potty train them both?? {it makes me crazy happy to think of no.more.diapers! in our house!}

Monday, August 15, 2011

glimpses of my life

We had oatmeal for breakfast. I added brown sugar, cinnamon and nutmeg. It was amazing. 4/5 kids finished it completely. That is amazing too.

My 3 year old just walked into the living room, wearing his 7 year old brother's winter boots. Hysterical is not enough of a word to tell you how comical it is!

I spent my weekend going through boxes of papers that have accumulated over the death of a parent, 6 years and a good bit of procrastination. I am not even close to being done, but I will keep plugging along.

Also? We finally hung all our clothes up in our fixed closet! Makes it much easier to navigate in our room!

School starts for me (and Mason!) one week from today! I may take back that exclamation mark shortly.

I have decided it's off to the mall for us! Does your mall have a play area? Ours does, and it saves my life on super cold/hot days, and also when we just need to get OUT!!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

in the still of the night.

If your three year old is as OBSESSED with trains as my three year old, then you will know how BIG of a deal it was to see a train!train! on the way home from late night excursions!

and if you know my Matty, you know how he manages to find the beauty in little things, like this shot he took 2 minutes from our house.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

hello moto.

in case you wondered where i had gone after my recent posting increase? did you wonder?

because i have an answer:

and it comes in the shape of a pill bottle. 

i started up on some different medication for my bipolar disorder, and per usual with medications it made me quite a tired girl.
{i am usually the side effect queen}

juuusstt as i was getting used to life again, we {my doctor and i} added another med to the mix. and it knocked me to the ground.
as in:
constant dizziness
sleeping 12 hours a night and still feeling exhausted
having a hard time keeping my eyes open during the day

it will regulate. but until then, i have no energy. no motivation. I pull myself around my house, doing the chores I must do, and resting the rest of the time.

it sucks, yes it does. but it's better than where i was.
it was important to me to get this new med in my system with weaning side effects before school starts back up! {10 days!}
and so i am.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Bedtime thoughts.

I take forevvveeerr to fall asleep! Forever! And Matt? Well, he is asleep the very second he lays down.

Often, I entertain myself with my iPad until I get sleepy, and tonight I was doing just that.

All of a sudden, Matt rolls over, hugs me close, and whispers in my ear: "I am all yours."

Then he rolls back over and falls asleep.


Saturday, August 6, 2011

i can't call him a baby anymore.

                                                                  but i still will!

                                        two years ago today, I met my beautiful, 9 lb baby!

                                                           and I fell in love immediately.

                             Yet, time will do as it sees fit, and it sees fit to keep on moving!

                                                               Two month old snugglebug.

                                                                     Oh, the cheeks!


Mohawks Rock.

Baby power.

Michelin Man.

Our blue-eyed, baby boy!

Hunk of love.

Best bruvers. 

Blessed by my boys. 

I heart my baby.

8 months old.

10 months old.

1 year old!


Daddy time equals roughhousing time.

Bad hair day. :)

You are my sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray.

I love you, my sweet little guy.

Sweet, sleeping angel.

Thank you for perfectly completing our family. 

Happy Birthday little guy!! Mama loves you!!