Wednesday, June 30, 2010


If you want your husband to stop leaving his underwear on the bathroom floor{I did},

you must do only one thing.

Ready for it?????

Pick up those underwear and throw them in.the.trash.

No joke. I was SO SICK of being the maid. Finally had enough. Into the trash they went. You can't put them in the hamper, they will now go in the trash.

Totally. worked.
{until Matt reads my blog, hehe}

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

the will of will

This little boy changed my life all over again when he came into my world on April Fool's Day, 2008.

 I should have known by the date of his birthday, just how feisty he would be. 

Will was mine and Matt's first child together and such a special time in our lives. 
Matt and I were still getting to know each other, and now we got to do it with this amazing little guy in our world too. 
It was pretty easy. Pretty simple. {aside from the short time when I didn't realize my child was starving, not screaming from colic.}

And then he turned two.

And promptly started throwing fits. {this is at storytime} Who protests storytime?

And decided who needs to sleep in a crib?{or a bed at all for that matter}?

                                                                   Not him.

 Now my little guy is a screaming, tantrum-throwing, chocolate-chip demanding, two year old. And, oh, he is giving this mama a SRS. run for her money. 

So, I am taking one moment at a time and remembering that, this too shall pass. And sticking to my guns because I refuse. ReFuSe to have a child that reigns over me.

Two will pass. Then we shall be on to our next challenge. I have a feeling Will's strength of will is just beginning. 

I <3 you kid. 

Monday, June 28, 2010

This man...

This man and I

after a VERY hard run in our relationship, 
are coming out on the other side, and it is WONDERFUL!

EDITED TO ADD: Yes, I AM nursing a baby{will} in this photograph. Just keeping it real, people. 

Thursday, June 10, 2010

On Being Nicole

I have been a mother for 6 years, but I still don't have it down pat. (Does any mother, really?)

Over these last six years, I have thought part of being a good mom was putting everyone else's needs before your own. Someone very near and dear to my heart, reminded me, just this week, that if my cup isn't full, how could I possibly fill my children's cup? If I am constantly taking care of everyone else's needs and leaving mine by the wayside, this leaves me angry and resentful. If I am not in a good mood, neither is anyone else. This does not for a happy house make.

There are days that I am utterly sick of poop, having grubby hands covered in remnants of food rubbed on the shirt I just changed for the 3rd time. I get tired of refereeing arguments or putting a smile on my face to say for the 40th time- "Please share your trucks with the baby, Will or "Our hands are not for hitting. Please use your words to tell me how you feel. : There are days when Matt comes home- I just want to run out the door, screaming backwards- "Your turn, Good luck!"

Please don't get me wrong. All of the above- is worth it! My boys are my breath. I would not trade them for anything.

However, I am learning that this mom needs to be more than mom. I have forgotten who I am in this world of diapers, breastfeeding, playdates and school functions. I have let that role define me and I believe that's dangerous.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am a woman, first and foremost. It is ok to leave this house and go be that woman-without the kids, without the husband, without a list of errands to run.

And when I do that, I come back refreshed, restored and cup fully filled to do this huge job I have been entrusted with.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Goodbye Mama-Part One.

I have really been thinking of my mother quite a bit lately- less and less of the ache of missing her and more and more of how there is no more pain for her, no more fear, no more worries. 

She wasn't afraid to die. She WAS afraid of leaving my brother and I, how we would fare in this big, wide world without our mama. But she wasn't afraid to die. 

My mom was admitted to the Hospice Unit of Mckee Medical Center on March 27th, 2002. She was on such a high amount of oxygen that the only way she could be transported was by ambulance. 

I rode in the front seat of the ambulance to the hospital. I don't think I fully understood, even at that point, how close she was to the end.

When we arrived at Mckee, they had room air set up but not oxygen. My mother needed oxygen, as the cancer had filled her lungs. She was gasping and saying, "Please hurry, please hurry," as they raced around the room, trying to get her oxygen hooked up. (Even while gasping for air, she still managed to say please. We all should be so gracious.)

At some point, after being hooked up to her oxygen mask and calming down, my mother was hooked up to the iv. She had been in incredible pain for a very long time. She knew that, while her soul wanted to, her body could no longer fight, and no longer be in pain. We promised her she didn't have to be anymore. 

The amount of pain medication she needed to take away the pain would put her in a medication-induced coma and so we started to say our goodbyes.

At one point, as her medication started to really kick in, she closed her eyes. I started silently weeping. Her eyes immediately came open. I said, I love you mama. She looked at me and said, "I love you, my Coley."

There are so many times before this moment, I wish I would have asked more, said more, done more. This moment, I wouldn't change for the world. She is my mom and she knew, even with her eyes closed and massive amounts of pain meds kicking in, that I was hurting- and she immediately wanted to reassure me. She did.

After she went into a coma, we all took on our own roles in the room. My brother sat on her right side, me on her left, my Aunt Kathy right by her head. My Aunt Angela, Aunt Jeanne and Grandma had other spots which I can't remember. I held her left hand, my brother held her right. 

The pain medicine iv would beep when it was time for a push on the button to administer another dose. My aunt never missed a dose. We promised her she would no longer be in pain. 

We talked to my mom, sang to her. The doctors said she wouldn't make it through the night. She did. They said she wouldn't make it through the morning. She did. (I kept thinking, Way to go Mama- you show them no one can predict what you will do- they never have been able to!)

(Part Two to be posted tomorrow)

Sunday, June 6, 2010

1 am ponderings...

We have company coming over in the morning for a breakfast get together and our house is trrrassshhed.

Matt and I decided we would put the kids to bed and each do some cleaning tonight, so we wouldn't have to do much in the morning. 

Well, 5 minutes after we started, our power went out. 

This woman is scared(I mean screaming, cling to my husband for dear life, scared)of the dark. 

So, that's what I did. Clung to Matt. Wouldn't let him leave the room without me. Yes people, I acted like a 5 year old. And then became annoyed when two of our kids(the almost 5 year old and 8 year old) freaked out by waking up in the middle of the night in the dark, screaming. Hey, I'm not perfect, ok?

After finding out there was an accident/lightning strike(still not sure which) in Windsor that knocked out the power of 2500 people in 4 different cities, Matt and I attempted to wait out the power coming back on. 

Well, we waited. And waited. And finally decided to just go to bed. 

However with all the commotion and craziness, AND the AC not working, which made our room like a SAUNA, I couldn't sleep. 

So, my thoughts wandered....and the things I have really been ignoring as of late...

Like how I am not teaching my kids the things I want them to have as their values. The things I believe. About God. About faith. About the life I believe we all have outside of our fleeting earthly lives.

It started with going a bit nuts after losing my mother and reaching out to worldly things to try and take away that hurt. It continued when I had a baby, out of wedlock, at the age of 19. It just kept spiraling and spiraling, even though I fully believe in God, I just always said, tomorrow I will make the effort, tomorrow I will change it, tomorrow I will teach my children. Guess what? Tomorrow never came. It has continued even longer, because my partner in life has very different spiritual beliefs than I do. It's hard and to be honest, I haven't fought very hard for what I believe in. 

I decided, right then and there, in the sweltering heat of our bedroom, to change that. 

I want my kids to learn about what it is I think is right. I want them to be exposed to those beliefs. My godmom has her two kids enrolled in a vacation bible school next week and I plan to take Mason there and start teaching him, what I should have taught him, from a much younger age. I plan to find a church I love and start attending with my children. 

In high school, I found a church family that took me in during some of the darkest(and most faith-filled) days of my life. However, when I go there, the memories flood back of that time in my life and it is incredibly hard to be in that building. Even the smells remind me of being 17 and losing my mom....they are not bad experiences or memories, just some I don't want to be confronted with each Sunday. At least, not yet.

So, I need something separate from that and I have faith, that God will lead me and my children to the right place. 

All this from the power going out. Crazy, right? Not to God. He knows just what He is doing.