Monday, June 27, 2011

just like that, i guess.

How do I tell you a story that reflects just how special my mother really was?

How do I express that I am still heartbroken, all these years later?

How do I show you that death did not change my image of her, that she really was an angel on earth?

How do I honor her memory effectively?

How can I say what she meant to me? How her life gave me life, but more than that, how her life fostered my dreams, gave unconditional love to the person I was/am? and then how can i possibly tell you how her death felt like an earthquake in my soul that I still have not recovered from?

How do I share with you that death does not scare me anymore, because on the sweet day I leave this earth, I will see her?

How, how, HOW do I DO it?

Sunday, June 26, 2011

and then it was time to go home.

and home is oh so good. 

Me: "On a scale of 1-10, how much did you miss me?"
Matt: "What is 1?"
Me: "1 is the least you missed me and 10 is the absolute most you missed me."
Matt: "Then, at LEAST a 12."

Happy sigh.

Oh, how I adore this man!

PS: Camping post to come!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

we were never meant to do life on our own.

This weekend I am going up to the mountains to hang with my best girls (minus one)! There will be campfires, smores {of the vegetarian kind, for me, thank you}, funny stories, adventures, peeing outside {eek!} and sooo much more!

Oh, and laughing. Lots of laughing with these girls. Always.

Minus the blonde on the bottom left {who is quite a riot herself}, these five girls and I have been besties since high school or before! 

I don't know what I am trying to explain, do YOU?!

And my beautiful Jessi{far right} is getting married in a week!! This weekend is her bachelorette party! 

Thank God for these girls who have stood by me through some pretty rough times in my life. These girls of mine have had love enough for me to say the things I didn't want to hear but needed to, to hold my hand through death, life, love and MUCH pain, to make me laugh when I want to cry, and to always, always have a listening ear. 

God bless friendship. 
{and my Matty who will be home with five kids all weekend}

ps: Watch out we come!!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

these are the moments i thank God that i'm alive.

Sometimes I forget that I am blessed. Sometimes I forget that all they want is my love, my nurturing.  Sometimes I just forget. And then sometimes I remember. 

::Theo was crying and crying. "Buddy, WHAT do you WANT?!" "want mama, " with his arms outstretched.::

::The boys were playing outside. I was doing dishes, where I can watch and hear them through the open window. Theo was running, fell and ate it. Will helped him stand up, took his hand and said, "Let's get Mama. Mama make it all better!"::

I really am your gift. I am not just a little person who needs to be "raised" and taught, and taken to activities....I came to the people in my life to bring a message: slow down. Feel. Be. Over and over again. When you do, you will notice immediately, that I am not an obstacle to your work, or inconvenience to your daily life. Instead, you will come to appreciate my honesty, humor, presence and love."- Bruce Scott

Monday, June 20, 2011

the saga of my right foot.

Last week, I was attempting to clean the kitchen. On attempt #1, I bumped into and sent a syrup dish crashing to the ground. I swept it all up and in the process stepped on some glass. I changed some butts, put babes to bed and attempted to finish cleaning.

I was nearly through in my kitchen when I opened up the fridge to put food away and a jar of salsa sooommeeonnne had shoved in the fridge (me!) fell right on top of my foot and smashed into pieces. It cut the top of my foot. This was when I said- Screw it, I am done! And I pretty much was anyway.

Well, that cut on the bottom of my right foot seemed awfully painful. I thought it was just healing and let it be. I can now feel the glass poking into my foot every time I take a step and there is blood pooling under my skin, where it is apparently stabbing me. It is excruciating to walk on, getting worse by end of day.

 I really, truly believe in letting things heal naturally, with the thought that it would come out on its own. But it's not. And I also really, truly believe this is when doctors serve their purpose. I have been leaning on the left side of my right foot for over a week, hobbling along. With three small children I am responsible for during the week, and five on weekends, PLUS an upcoming camping trip out of town and ALSO a friend's wedding I am walking in 3 weeks away, it is time to get it taken care of.

I am off to the doctor in about an hour to have my foot cut open. Wish me luck!

**Updated: My foot was cut open{after some extremely painful numbing shots, I might add}, glass discovered, and removed, and I am good to go. The doctor said my foot is very infected however all should heal up perfectly since the glass is now out of my foot.**

Friday, June 17, 2011

and then i bawled...

Sunny, clear, beautiful sky. Three swim-clad boys. Windows down. Good tunes flowing out of the speakers. Destination: Splash pad.

And then the lyrics:

What a life to take.
What a bond to break.
I'll be missing you.

I started crying. My 7 year old noticed. Was I surprised he did? That kid notices everything his mama does!

"What's wrong, Mom?'
"I just miss my mom."


"I wish I could have met her."

I thought I was crying before. It sucks that she doesn't know these precious babies of mine. It still amazes me that I can be flitting right along, and then the next, tears. Grief is hard. Grief is still there- 9 years later and probably forever.

And then?
"You will see your mom in heaven one day, right Mom?" "Yes, baby."

The radio plays-
On that morning
When that life is over,
I know...
I'll see your face.

What a SWEET day that will be!

ps  More and more each day, I learn how much God knew I needed this little {big} boy of mine!

the end of thankful week but NOT the end of thankful.

I had previously promised you all that I would do a post each day this week. And I did not. And I do not feel a bit guilty. 

It is not easy for me to view the positive over negative. Most days, I fail. I get so overwhelmed, so frustrated. 

Currently, I am sitting at a counter COVERED in oatmeal and to say my sink is overflowing with dishes would be an understatement. I really have to push myself to focus on what really matters. 

It's not dishes. Or laundry. Or a perfectly organized, always clean home. Sure, it's nice when the house is picked up. 

What really matters though are these little lives that need me to be present: to love them, to hold them, to teach them, to be taught. 

This is a big goal of mine for the year: Appreciate more. Notice the good. Let go of not being able to control everything. I am slowly doing it. And it feels great. 

***Thank you so much for the love this week, friends. ***

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

thankful, oh so thankful.

Last week, Mason and I were talking about when he was in my tummy. Does your kid loovveee talking about that? Because Mas loves the subject! I tell him what I craved(ice water from McDonalds, baked potatoes, and DQ chocolate ice cream cones), when I first felt him kick (14 weeks), how I called him Mason almost all the way through my pregnancy and absolutely KNEW he was a boy before I ever officially found out. Since he was my first, I remember every.detail. of carrying Mason, down to the date he had his first hiccups in utero (Feb. 4, 2004).

We were chatting about his time hanging out in my tummy, and he asked, "How big did I make your tummy grow, Mom?"

I responded, "soooo big... out to here," (with a gesture) and then I pulled up my shirt to show him my stomach. I told Mason, "See these marks, all over, these pink and white marks? Those are from you growing and stretching out my belly."

He looked at me and said, "Wow Mom, you will NEVER be able to forget about me with those marks. You will always remember me, forever and ever. And when I am at my dad's, all you have to do is look down and think of me. "

And I stopped and pondered: The 7 year old hit the nail on the head.

I abhor my body right now- it's a mixture of carrying three babes and the eating habits that have accrued from boredom or loneliness of being a stay at home mom plus my own poor decisions. I have a bunch of weight to lose and while I AM down 5 lbs (Woot, woot!) I have a long way to go. When I look at myself in the mirror, I sigh and feel disgusted. And I have for a long time.

My sweet 7 year old's words showed me how precious this body is. This body has nurtured and carried three humans.  While I do not choose to have my body look like this forever, right now this is what it is and right now, I need to recognize the worth and beauty of what this body has done!

It doesn't mean I need to eat junk and throw in the towel. It just means I need to love myself where I am at. My boy looked at my sad, saggy, tired, marked-up belly and saw beauty in the place where he grew and thrived.

And then he shared that beauty with me. 

Monday, June 13, 2011

thankful for my gifts week

This morning, I was mad to even get out of bed. I was feeling sorry for myself. Sorry that I had three kids and had to pull my exhausted butt out of bed AGAIN to hit the floor running with diaper changes, breakfast, getting dressed, maintaining a house and responsible for three other lives each day, in addition to my own.

I opened the door to the babies' room. I did not have the positive attitude one should have when greeting two adventurous toddlers who are eager to begin their first journey of the day. I was grumpy. Not overly kind.

The morning went on...

The boys played outside for a bit, and when they came in, we had an early lunch. I perused the fridge, not very inspired to make anything. I decided on leftovers of whatever I could scrounge up. Each child was given the choice I pulled out that made them say, "mine!" (Theo) or "Yum!"(Mason). One had veggie chicken nuggets warmed up and dipped in ranch, another half a leftover PB&J (I TOLD you I save everything!), another pretzel sticks and half a veggie burger.

Theo (who has recently decided that eating at the table is for the birds and refuses to eat unless he is a)on the floor or b) being fed to) plucked his food from the table, piece by piece (including the plate itself) and plopped his butt on the hardwood floor in the kitchen.

Great, I thought- Another crumb mess for me to pick up. Will pulled a blue crate (that 2 minutes previous had held a great number of stuffed animals ) into the kitchen and decided to eat in there. Mason was the only one who sat at the table. And today was a day I was just way too out of sorts to fight this battle.

And then I sat at the table and watched them. And something clicked in my brain. Instead of seeing a child who was stubborn and making more tasks for me, I saw a determined free spirit, one who chose to picnic and relax in a new location rather than eat at the same old place.

I saw a 3 year old that probably imagined what he would do with that blue crate as I was calling his name for lunch- he emptied all the little animals out and used his imagination.

I saw a 7 year old that is fiercely loyal to his mama, and sat at that table to show his little brothers how to behave, and respect their mother.

I saw the true innocence of who they are. They are NOT just my three little lives to raise, they are my three little souls to grow. They each have their own path and sometimes the way I raise them blocks that path.

Now, I am not saying children can do as they will. I believe strongly in clear boundaries and teaching the consequences of crossing those boundaries. However, sometimes, we have to move out of their pathway and let them cross the boundary a little and enjoy life.
 Maybe you already know this. But, ME, I am just learning it. :)

My children bring so much joy to my life, and many times I choose to focus on the depressing instead. This week, I will share with you some lessons my children have taught me- about life, love, joy, myself, themselves, etc.

Feel free to join me in the comments or on your own blog. :)

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Did I mention I love summer?

Hai friends!!

Aren't you loving summer?! Don't you tell me it's not officially summer yet! My kids are out of school and so-it's summer!!!! 

Mason is with his dad until Sunday. :(
Theo is still sleeping. It's 9:42am here. BIG DEAL, right?!
Will is watching Star Wars and shaping playdough creations.
And I am surfing the web! {hey! I SAID it was summer! gah!} :)

I spent 10 minutes trying to convince Will it is time to go potty ON the ACTUAL potty.
He refuses. Remember that whole post I wrote like I knew what I was talking about?! Yeah...Will blows all of that out of the water. And, no, I don't need any tips. He will go when he is ready and apparently he is not ready at 3 years, 2 months old. Siiighhhh.

Anyway, we plan to hit Starbucks, the park and the store in that order. But not before I feed these kids a real breakfast {we snack a lot}, and get us all dressed!

Also? Won't you join me as I participate in this challenge?

I hope wherever you are, whatever you are doing, you enjoy this day! Life is short. So have some fun! {telling this to my OCD, bipolar, self as well!}

                                                    just because. You are welcome. :)