It's 12:30am on a Wednesday, I had way too many Mountain Dews today and I can't sleep.
So here I am…rambling. Oh, and also eating alfredo pasta.
Matt is out of town and it's crazy but even though I am surrounded by children, I have never felt more alone.
I want to be the kind of person that can sit comfortably alone with my own thoughts. I can't. Or I don't want to. I'm definitely not comfortable being alone with myself. I want to change this!
Over the past few weeks, my mama has been heavy on my mind. I was sitting at a sculpture park last week and a teenage boy and two adults walked by with heavy camera gear. I stopped and stared (because I'm a nosy creature) and it turns out they were shooting the teenage boy's senior pictures.
It flashed me back to when my senior pictures were shot- my mom was there, of course! She helped me pick out clothes, did my makeup and my hair and told me again and again how beautiful I was while simultaneously cracking jokes so I would smile. I had completely forgotten those moments, hadn't thought of them since she died, until that very second I saw this group at the sculpture park.
With the memories, comes the grief. Oh, fuck does it hurt! 13 years later and I still want her back. I was robbed, plain and simple and it fucking sucks.
I want her to know my kids. They don't know it but I sure feel a void missing from their and MY lives! She would have been a fantastic grandmother! I wonder what they would have called her. I know she wouldn't have missed a beat with my bonus kiddos- that she would have accepted and loved them as her own. I know this because that is what she did with my little sister (her dad married my mom). She made things special for my sister, Brittany. She remembered little details. She made people feel at ease, knew how to make them smile.
I find that when I do things lately, I do things to make my mama proud. Today, for instance I was quite productive. Cleaned out my disgusting fridge, swept the floor, cleaned the kitchen, made a billion phone calls to get Mason cleared to resume normal activity at school and swimming ( he sustained a concussion when he fell at school 2 weeks ago), went grocery shopping, mailed a package, made dinner, did the bedtime routine, and made sure at the end of it all, my kids heard, "I love you" one last time before they closed their eyes to dream.
I know she would have been proud of me today- for making the time to read with my children when all I wanted to do was crawl in bed, for getting the grocery shopping done early so I didn't have to take 3 kids with me ( yay for all day school for all 5 kids!) and so when they ARE home, I can spend that time with them. It's the little things I do that carry on what she gave me- which is how to be an amazing mother, just like her. As much as it fucking sucks, I guess that's what it is all about- carrying on her legacy.
My belly is full, my brain is tired, and it's time for bed. Don't worry, I have many more memories to share. It's good to be back.