life keeps on rolling

and i want to share all of it with her! i am growing, changing, loving this life. I want to thank her for giving me this life to love. i want her to know how well she mothered me, how well she gave me the tools to be a spectacular mother to my own crew, how she rocked her time here.

if i only had 17 years with her, i should be sad. and lots of times, i am! but then, i think: i had 17 years with this amazing blessing of a mother, and some people don't have a mother at all. or a family. and she laid down a fantastic example for me and it was a gift.

words could never express how thankful i am for this gift.

just like that, i guess.

How do I tell you a story that reflects just how special my mother really was?

How do I express that I am still heartbroken, all these years later?

How do I show you that death did not change my image of her, that she really was an angel on earth?

How do I honor her memory effectively?

How can I say what she meant to me? How her life gave me life, but more than that, how her life fostered my dreams, gave unconditional love to the person I was/am? and then how can i possibly tell you how her death felt like an earthquake in my soul that I still have not recovered from?

How do I share with you that death does not scare me anymore, because on the sweet day I leave this earth, I will see her?

How, how, HOW do I DO it?

and then i bawled...

Sunny, clear, beautiful sky. Three swim-clad boys. Windows down. Good tunes flowing out of the speakers. Destination: Splash pad.

And then the lyrics:

What a life to take.
What a bond to break.
I'll be missing you.

I started crying. My 7 year old noticed. Was I surprised he did? That kid notices everything his mama does!

"What's wrong, Mom?'
"I just miss my mom."

           Silence.

"I wish I could have met her."

I thought I was crying before. It sucks that she doesn't know these precious babies of mine. It still amazes me that I can be flitting right along, and then the next, tears. Grief is hard. Grief is still there- 9 years later and probably forever.

And then?
"You will see your mom in heaven one day, right Mom?" "Yes, baby."

The radio plays-
On that morning
When that life is over,
I know...
I'll see your face.

What a SWEET day that will be!

ps  More and more each day, I learn how much God knew I needed this little {big} boy of mine!

A project, a purse, and a blessing

I began the large task of cleaning out our bedroom this weekend. Between the pile of stuff that needs to go in the attic, the pile of disorganized clothes with no home due to a closet wall that buckled, and the piles of clutter that end up tossed in our space for lack of a better one, our room is a MESS!

Isn't it funny how we always take care of ourselves last? Except it's not funny at all. Matt and I need a space where we can recharge and relax. A place where we can feel comfortable together as a couple {bow-chicka-bow-wow}.

It was high time to get to work on our space!

While cleaning out my stock of purses, I happened upon an old one of my moms. I flipped it open to clean it out, and smelled HER. I haven't smelled the scent of my mama in over eight years. It's a perfect combination of her lipstick, her perfume and flowers. That fragrance brought back such memories! And such tears!

I took five minutes to miss, to grieve, to mourn. Then I closed the purse. I have no clue how the essence of her survived nine years in a purse, however I am so, so grateful it did.

Mothers day, schmothers day.

**Edited to Add: This post was originally published earlier in the week. I looked at my blog thursday  night and it was GONE! Post, comments, everything. Luckily Blogger had saved the earlier version of the post so I did a little rewriting and we are golden, but what's up with blogger?? So, if you commented and it's gone, I did not erase your comments. Something strange happened during the week with my post. **


I did not talk much about the anniversary of my mother's death this year, or her birthday {which are 2 days apart}. I got out of town instead. :)

It's pretty hard to ignore Mother's Day though. And while I am a mother, I also had a mother- who is not here to share this day with me- and it's heartbreaking, even 9 years later.

These past 9 years, I have had plenty of different reactions to the day:
Complete avoidance
Anger
Jealousy{of my own husband, who has his mama here to share the day with}

This year, I was just sad. I miss her so incredibly much.

Walking past the mothers day cards is just.hard. HARD, friends. Thank goodness the aisle has already been switched to cards for the next holiday because I don't think my heart could stand the stroll past one more time.

Matt made Mothers day perfect. I slept in until 930 while he cleaned the house, took care of the kids, and prepped breakfast(we had the in-laws over). That in itself was more than enough pampering...but then I woke to beautiful flowers and a sweet precious card from my boys and my love. He made us my favorite breakfast- homemade, blueberry pancakes. He also made vegetarian biscuits and gravy (with biscuits from scratch), veggie bacon and a huge bowl of strawberries,blackberries and blueberries. Delicious much? I think I rolled out of my chair after breakfast.

My love knows this is the year I plan to garden, so he bought me every tool I could ever need, along with seeds of every type galore! And a RED watering can! so cute! It was perfect. Just Perfect.

Which is why it feels horrible that the day still felt so wrong. Even as I smiled and laughed with these little lives that came out of my body, even as us adults played cards and enjoyed each other's company, there was a lingering sadness in my soul.

I miss my mom. I want her here. 9 years seems like forever but it's not. I can still remember soooo much about her...the way we bickered, how she loved rainy days, the beautiful way she accepted and nurtured the person I am. Mother's Day just did not feel complete without the one who mothered me here.
I miss my mom.