Friday, May 13, 2011

Mothers day, schmothers day.

**Edited to Add: This post was originally published earlier in the week. I looked at my blog thursday  night and it was GONE! Post, comments, everything. Luckily Blogger had saved the earlier version of the post so I did a little rewriting and we are golden, but what's up with blogger?? So, if you commented and it's gone, I did not erase your comments. Something strange happened during the week with my post. **


I did not talk much about the anniversary of my mother's death this year, or her birthday {which are 2 days apart}. I got out of town instead. :)

It's pretty hard to ignore Mother's Day though. And while I am a mother, I also had a mother- who is not here to share this day with me- and it's heartbreaking, even 9 years later.

These past 9 years, I have had plenty of different reactions to the day:
Complete avoidance
Anger
Jealousy{of my own husband, who has his mama here to share the day with}

This year, I was just sad. I miss her so incredibly much.

Walking past the mothers day cards is just.hard. HARD, friends. Thank goodness the aisle has already been switched to cards for the next holiday because I don't think my heart could stand the stroll past one more time.

Matt made Mothers day perfect. I slept in until 930 while he cleaned the house, took care of the kids, and prepped breakfast(we had the in-laws over). That in itself was more than enough pampering...but then I woke to beautiful flowers and a sweet precious card from my boys and my love. He made us my favorite breakfast- homemade, blueberry pancakes. He also made vegetarian biscuits and gravy (with biscuits from scratch), veggie bacon and a huge bowl of strawberries,blackberries and blueberries. Delicious much? I think I rolled out of my chair after breakfast.

My love knows this is the year I plan to garden, so he bought me every tool I could ever need, along with seeds of every type galore! And a RED watering can! so cute! It was perfect. Just Perfect.

Which is why it feels horrible that the day still felt so wrong. Even as I smiled and laughed with these little lives that came out of my body, even as us adults played cards and enjoyed each other's company, there was a lingering sadness in my soul.

I miss my mom. I want her here. 9 years seems like forever but it's not. I can still remember soooo much about her...the way we bickered, how she loved rainy days, the beautiful way she accepted and nurtured the person I am. Mother's Day just did not feel complete without the one who mothered me here.
I miss my mom.

3 comments:

Stacia said...

I'm sorry, Nicole.

adriana said...

HUG. That's all.

Dawn said...

This is beautiful, Nicole. I'm sorry others haven't been here to read it. I can't empathize, because I still have my mom at this advancing age, but I can sympathize.