spinning

they are getting taller and bigger
and it's November, oh my goodness
which leads to Christmas and then a whole new year and birthdays and
in my head it's already spring, then summer

and I can't slow it down
and I can't catch my breath
because laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, preschool help days, schoolwork, and all the rest of it
doesn't rest.

and oftentimes, I feel like I don't either.
I wake up each day thinking, Did I really sleep?
And is it really another day?

I fight to pull myself out of darkness daily.
I do it more for my children than for myself lately.
Thank God for them.

And I need to get to the doctor, need to tell her the words I hate saying
We need to try something else
But that's another trip, more money, more time that I just don't have.

So I take another anxiety med, do another school assignment, change another diaper, kiss another face.
I feel alone in a sea of faces. I am comforted by the memory of 2 months I felt normal, felt good.
And I know I will be there again soon- just as soon as I find the time.
I will find the time.

round these parts

It's 10:24 round these parts.

I have an assignment I need to do {due this evening} and a chapter to read{hello kids nap time}. I had planned to spend the day catching up on laundry, picking up the house and doing homework.

WELL. The universe said we have different plans for you.

It started with the sound of water. Where is that COMING from?
Oh, hello overflowing disgustingness from toilet and bathtub. Oh hello ANOTHER, way gross mess to pick up. Oh, GOODBYE to my plans! and HELLO to a plumber....

I have also been eaten alive by mosquitoes and am feeling madly itchy at the moment. My kids are wound for sound, Matt has the car today and there have already been 4 timeouts. I am trying to stay positive but it's not looking good, folks.

touched out is an understatement tonight.

you know that day where the two year old wakes up saying no from the second you pull him out of bed? and then continues to repeat the word all day, sometimes screaming it, while you try to get two children fed, bathed, dressed and out the door? and then he continues to scream it during preschool drop off?

and then i decided to be the fun mom who takes her kid to story time and that kid does not even participate but either a) sits in my lap or b) lays on the floor, wailing. kid! this is fun! it's ok to laugh!

and then you are invited to meet friends for coffee and you have an hour to kill before preschool pickup so you go and the two year old refuses to play at the really cool coffee shop play area for kids, but instead would prefer to climb up you, climb on top of a table, dump an entire baggie full of pretzels on the floor, and whine.

and then 5 minutes before you have to leave, the 2 year old becomes quite engrossed {suddenly!} in playing and now does not want to leave. and is telling you so with his screams. and by taking his shoes off for the upteenth time in the car.

so you get to preschool pickup and say, forget it, I am NOT putting that kids shoes on AGAIN. so you rush inside with a barefoot toddler because you are running late due to toddler antics, where your anxious 3 year old thinks you forgot him.

then you should also add in to this mix: not one, not two, but THREE little boys getting colds, one little boy coming home from his dads with his well-timed attitude and dealing with a moronic ex. Oh, please do not leave out that the husband is out of town and your kids have chosen that precise time to awake an hour earlier than normal each day AND not fall asleep until past 10pm.

so you put all your kids to bed early, wish you were into wine because you would totally have a bottle glass if you were and retire to bed early. with a bowl of honey greek yogurt.

and by you, of course I most definitely mean me. 

I would ask for a hug but if one more person touches me today, I might scream.

face palm.

I am a prepared mama whenst {it's kind of like whilst. i like it. accept it.} out with my children. Very prepared. There is usually an extra outfit for the 2 & 3 year olds, toys to keep them all entertained, snacks a plenty for my crew, and then some for any other child as well, diapers, wipes, drinks, wallet, sunglasses, hats, and on and ooooonnnn...

I am a very prepared mama. I have found that being prepared means we spend less money while out, we are able to adventure for longer amounts of time, and the amount of time we are out is more quality time because we all stay happy.

Well then I decided to take my 5 children to the lake and meet my best friend and her son. 

So this required all of the above items, PLUS a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter, a jar of jelly, a knife, a tub of blueberries {washed} and 6 huge Nalgenes filled with ice water. I also threw in sunscreen, mosquito spray, 7 beach towels, a comforter to sit on, dry bottoms for the 6 & 7 year old, a blow up water floatie, swim diapers, and probably 75 other items I am leaving out.

I was prepared.


Until I arrived at the lake and found 5 children all running in forty directions and only one me to keep my two eyes on all five bodies. In addition to those tasks were making sandwiches, blowing up the floatie, and eating my own sandwich. I soon learned that 5 out of 5 of my kids had attitude, talking back, and basic disobedience packed in their bag, unbeknownst to me.

I then realized: I was so very unprepared.


It took me 3 hours to get us all ready and out the door. We stayed a little over an hour.

Sigh. Stomp, stomp, pout, pout, whine, whine. Biiiggg heeeaavvyyy siiigghhh....

Mothers day, schmothers day.

**Edited to Add: This post was originally published earlier in the week. I looked at my blog thursday  night and it was GONE! Post, comments, everything. Luckily Blogger had saved the earlier version of the post so I did a little rewriting and we are golden, but what's up with blogger?? So, if you commented and it's gone, I did not erase your comments. Something strange happened during the week with my post. **


I did not talk much about the anniversary of my mother's death this year, or her birthday {which are 2 days apart}. I got out of town instead. :)

It's pretty hard to ignore Mother's Day though. And while I am a mother, I also had a mother- who is not here to share this day with me- and it's heartbreaking, even 9 years later.

These past 9 years, I have had plenty of different reactions to the day:
Complete avoidance
Anger
Jealousy{of my own husband, who has his mama here to share the day with}

This year, I was just sad. I miss her so incredibly much.

Walking past the mothers day cards is just.hard. HARD, friends. Thank goodness the aisle has already been switched to cards for the next holiday because I don't think my heart could stand the stroll past one more time.

Matt made Mothers day perfect. I slept in until 930 while he cleaned the house, took care of the kids, and prepped breakfast(we had the in-laws over). That in itself was more than enough pampering...but then I woke to beautiful flowers and a sweet precious card from my boys and my love. He made us my favorite breakfast- homemade, blueberry pancakes. He also made vegetarian biscuits and gravy (with biscuits from scratch), veggie bacon and a huge bowl of strawberries,blackberries and blueberries. Delicious much? I think I rolled out of my chair after breakfast.

My love knows this is the year I plan to garden, so he bought me every tool I could ever need, along with seeds of every type galore! And a RED watering can! so cute! It was perfect. Just Perfect.

Which is why it feels horrible that the day still felt so wrong. Even as I smiled and laughed with these little lives that came out of my body, even as us adults played cards and enjoyed each other's company, there was a lingering sadness in my soul.

I miss my mom. I want her here. 9 years seems like forever but it's not. I can still remember soooo much about her...the way we bickered, how she loved rainy days, the beautiful way she accepted and nurtured the person I am. Mother's Day just did not feel complete without the one who mothered me here.
I miss my mom.