Sunday, June 6, 2010

1 am ponderings...

We have company coming over in the morning for a breakfast get together and our house is trrrassshhed.

Matt and I decided we would put the kids to bed and each do some cleaning tonight, so we wouldn't have to do much in the morning. 

Well, 5 minutes after we started, our power went out. 

This woman is scared(I mean screaming, cling to my husband for dear life, scared)of the dark. 

So, that's what I did. Clung to Matt. Wouldn't let him leave the room without me. Yes people, I acted like a 5 year old. And then became annoyed when two of our kids(the almost 5 year old and 8 year old) freaked out by waking up in the middle of the night in the dark, screaming. Hey, I'm not perfect, ok?

After finding out there was an accident/lightning strike(still not sure which) in Windsor that knocked out the power of 2500 people in 4 different cities, Matt and I attempted to wait out the power coming back on. 

Well, we waited. And waited. And finally decided to just go to bed. 

However with all the commotion and craziness, AND the AC not working, which made our room like a SAUNA, I couldn't sleep. 

So, my thoughts wandered....and the things I have really been ignoring as of late...

Like how I am not teaching my kids the things I want them to have as their values. The things I believe. About God. About faith. About the life I believe we all have outside of our fleeting earthly lives.

It started with going a bit nuts after losing my mother and reaching out to worldly things to try and take away that hurt. It continued when I had a baby, out of wedlock, at the age of 19. It just kept spiraling and spiraling, even though I fully believe in God, I just always said, tomorrow I will make the effort, tomorrow I will change it, tomorrow I will teach my children. Guess what? Tomorrow never came. It has continued even longer, because my partner in life has very different spiritual beliefs than I do. It's hard and to be honest, I haven't fought very hard for what I believe in. 

I decided, right then and there, in the sweltering heat of our bedroom, to change that. 

I want my kids to learn about what it is I think is right. I want them to be exposed to those beliefs. My godmom has her two kids enrolled in a vacation bible school next week and I plan to take Mason there and start teaching him, what I should have taught him, from a much younger age. I plan to find a church I love and start attending with my children. 

In high school, I found a church family that took me in during some of the darkest(and most faith-filled) days of my life. However, when I go there, the memories flood back of that time in my life and it is incredibly hard to be in that building. Even the smells remind me of being 17 and losing my mom....they are not bad experiences or memories, just some I don't want to be confronted with each Sunday. At least, not yet.

So, I need something separate from that and I have faith, that God will lead me and my children to the right place. 

All this from the power going out. Crazy, right? Not to God. He knows just what He is doing. 


Toni said...

I hope you don't find me too bold in expressing the testimony of my own church, Nicole. If you're looking for guidance, prayer is the perfect place to start. My religion has ALWAYS been there for me, as have the people in my church. When we first moved to Arizona, we had about 6 guys from our church here help us move in. And nobody else. We didn't know anyone here! It's really all about God, family, and service. Three things that I can never get enough of! We even dedicate one night every week to being together as a family. Anyway, check it out. I have an undeniable testimony of this gospel.

Dawn said...

Nicole, this made me cry. I am so glad you said this, because I have wished so much that you would come back. But now I understand.

I think God had His hand definitely in that power outage. I am thankful you will be sending the kids to VBS - it is a wonderful thing, and is the place where many people find God for the first time and make a commitment to Him.

Love you.

ck said...

I am proud of you! I pray that you will continue to feel the "little nudges" that God is giving you, as you help your beautiful little ones learn that they are each a beloved child of God. And I will pray that you find a faith family to help support, love and grow with you!