It's true.

You know this holiday?

The one where we celebrate this wondrous event?














Yup. So not ready for it!



















I certainly don't have one of these even in the house yet, let alone decorated.
















I certainly have not bought a single one of these either.



Yes, I know Christmas is 9 days away. I am also very aware that my aunt will be here a week from today and I have an entire house to clean in addition to my Christmas tasks.

So before I begin my monumental job, I am going to follow in the footsteps of the woman below:
















Whew! I feel much better!
Now it's off to conquer the world my list.

First stop:

Do you know what it's like?

Do you know what it's like to be sixteen years old and be told by your mom that she is sick?

Do you know what it's like to watch your incredibly strong mother get weaker and weaker as the days, weeks and months pass by and you cannot do a thing to stop it?

Do you know what it's like to wake up with your mother in the middle of the night and hold her hair back as she pukes because the chemo is making her nauseous?

Do you know what it's like to have a Hospice social worker come into your home and want to discuss what it will be like after your mother is no longer here, while she sits there and participates in the discussion?

Do you know what it's like to watch your mom fight the hardest battle of her life, for YOU and then watch her lose that battle?

Do you know what it's like to watch your best friend take their last breath?

I do.

Lately, the memories of that incredibly hard and beautiful year keep floating around in my head and forcing me to confront them.

So I am.

One day at a time.

Time....it just keeps a'ticking...

Happy 4 Month Birthday to my Beautiful Baby Boy!

How is this possible? I can't slow it down so I am just embracing every moment, every stage and every beautiful week I have with you, my boy.


What are you up to at 4 months old, Theo?

You are THE happiest baby I have ever met. Unless you are hungry or tired, you don't cry. You smile, smile, smile all day. You have learned not just how to laugh, but giggle and deep belly laugh and it seriously melts my heart.

You are such a ticklish boy. When I change your diaper, you laugh the whole time, because the wipes cleaning you tickle you so much. When I pick you up, you giggle from the touch under your arms.

You are ALMOST sleeping through the night. You eat between 11pm and 12am when Momma goes to bed and then sleep until 5am. Once you get up at 5, you want to play for a couple hours. Even though I KNOW I shouldn't encourage the early wake up call, I can't resist your sweet smiles and happily oblige your request for snuggles, kisses, tickling and rocking.

Except for your longer stretch at night, you eat every 1 1/2-2 hours, sometimes more often. You are a BIG eater and it shows in your chubby little rolls. You are still exclusively breast fed however you have started watching us very closely when we eat and even reach out your hands to grab food. Even though all the books say wait until 6 months to start giving you more than breast milk, I just don't see it happening. You are ready NOW.


You love sleeping in your carseat, even when it's in the house. We usually set you in there instead of the swing or your bouncy chair because we know you will take a good nap in your carseat.

You are 21 pounds!!! Crazy big boy!! You wear size 6-9 months and aren't far from outgrowing it. I am a little worried you will catch up to your brother Will- maybe it's your way of saying, NO HAND-ME-DOWNS!

You adore your big brothers and sister. You especially like it when your big brother Mason sings to you-and you don't seem to mind when it's Pop Goes The Weasel over and over and over. :)

 You have rolled over from tummy to back several times 2 weeks ago but haven't done it since. I think the mass of chub that is you is hard to move.

You do NOT like tummy time- you usually last about 5- 10 minutes max but you LOVE sitting up. It doesn't last long- you usually fall over attempting to eat your toes.

You have many nicknames- some of which are: Punkin Pie, Chunky Monkey and Munchy.

You are the absolute light of my life(along with your brothers!)and when I look at you,I can't believe I ever wanted a girl! You are absolutely perfect!

The things we do for love...

The following things have kept me too busy/unmotivated to blog as of late:

-Breastfeeding my 3 month old who is going through a growth spurt(The words sore nipples don't do the  pain justice).

-Chasing/loving on/taking off counters and tables and everything else he can climb- a very VERY jealous Will. (I think he suddenly realized his baby brother is NOT going away.)

-Reading, reading, reading and then reading some more books to my five year old little guy who is doing a Reading Olympics thingee at school.

-Attempting(very poorly)to catch up the many chapters I am behind in my online math class.

-Pumping every ounce of extra milk left after my huge, hungry, almost 18 pound, 3 month old is done sucking the life out of me eating, so that I can start building up my breast milk stores for the four hour shifts I will soon start occasionally picking up at work.

-Buying sheets/pillows/frames/nightstand lamps/paint/rugs/furniture to FINALLY finish some much needed projects.

-Starting the immense task of Christmas shopping for FIVE kids!

-Catching up on the 20+ loads of laundry that have accumulated(and that's just at the present moment, it will prob. get worse before it gets better).

-Setting up some semblance of a schedule of spending time with my love.(which btw is pretty frickin' impossible in this house but we are working it out!!)

All this while: washing dishes, helping kids get on snow gear, teaching children to shut doors gently/put dirty clothes in the hamper/flush toilets/take their dishes to the sink, reorganizing closets, emptying dishwasher, vacuuming floors,gazing into the eyes of my perfect 3 month old, helping kids get (wet) snow gear off, going to doctor's appointments, getting our car(s) worked on/fixed, helping comb hair/brush teeth/pick out clothes, hugging as many children as I can as often as I can, grocery shopping, wrangling diapers on two very wiggly little creatures, and still have some time to take a shower everyday every third day.

Whew! I am tired.....and blessed...and thankful....and very unable/unwilling to update my blog.

See you sometime next year!

Not Me Monday- Oh How I Love You!

I love confessing all the things I would NEVER do, all in the name of fun. If you want to join in, head on over to Mckmama's site.




This weekend, while making Matty and I a bowl of ice cream, I surely DID NOT scoop a chunk right onto the kitchen floor. Nope!

I then DID NOT pick up said scoop and place in Matty's bowl. Nope, Not Me!

I also didn't giggle to myself after. Nope. When Matty walked in and asked, "What's so funny?"I DID NOT say, "Oh nothing and then hand him his bowl of ice cream! (Hey, 30 second rule!!) Nope, Not Me!

When emailing Mckmama about the Colorado MckGathering, I DID NOT shreak with delight when I received an email promptly back from MckMama, commenting on my subject line. Nope, Not Me! That would be silly, as if she is some sort of celebrity or something.

What have you NOT done this week?  Don't be shy- join in!

My Magic Time

The day passes oh so quickly and suddenly the kids are all in bed. 

The house is quiet. Theo rests for more than 30 minutes at a time. There is no one clinging to my leg or sitting on my hip. There are no stories to read to anyone, no one to remind to flush the toilet or put away their toothbrush. 

I don't have to feed any little mouths, nurse my chunky monkey or wipe any little bottoms. They are all peaceful and slumbering.

This is the time that I have claimed for myself.

The time that quickly goes from 9pm-to 10pm-to 11pm- to 12am.

Yes, a new day arrives and I am still awake. I should be sleeping. 

Yet, I stay up. This is the time when I can read, surf the Internet, snuggle with my handsome man, just BE, without anyone needing something from me. 

This is the time I claim for myself, for my husband and I. 

Even though my kid's needs arrive early in the morning, even though I never quite feel fully rested- this time is worth it.

This is my magic time.

Love and all that Jazz!

These thoughts, which I borrowed from Lauren, struck a chord with me today.

"Love isn't all about warm fuzzies and smooches.

Love is when you are with someone who inspires you to be your best self.

It's when you know that with them you are able to do anything.

Love is when you find the person who sees YOU!"

This man, the one that holds my heart and has given me two beautiful children, is all of the above for me. I am so incredibly blessed to share my life with him!

I love you Matty. I cannot imagine my world without you in it.

this is life.

My elbows and feet are so dry I could scratch your back with them.
My hair is always up-usually with wings on the side from not showering.
My legs haven't been shaved in I don't know how long.
My reflection in the mirror surprises me- I can't be that girl. That girl who is 40 lbs. heavier than me. Who is that?

I don't feel pretty.
I don't feel beautiful.
I don't feel worthy.
I don't feel good.

I want to run away to a place where I can shower without having to plan it out 2 hours in advance.
A world where there are more things in my purse for me than for other people.
I don't want to change another diaper, I don't want to hunt down another lost binky, I don't want to be somebody's source of sustenance, I don't want to be in charge.

But...
I am hanging on. Because I know this is a hard day, and this will pass.

So- I treat myself to a Starbucks, and tell myself one day I will miss this.
I remind myself that not so very long ago, I was a single mother, working a full time day job, struggling and oh so envious of stay at home moms who didn't have to feel guilt when they dropped their child off at daycare, who didn't cry while driving to work, wishing it could be them who raised their own son and not strangers. It felt like a dream that was a decade away from ever becoming my reality.

I look at my sweet children and see them growing, thriving, happy. It IS worth it.

It's worth not being able to take a shower, brush my teeth, put on lotion, finish a meal.

I will sip my coffee and I WILL see the blessings all around me. I WILL find the beauty in myself, without a shower, without makeup, without smooth legs or feet.

Because...

I AM pretty.
I AM beautiful.
I AM worthy.
I WILL feel good.

That will get me through this day that tests my limits and on to the next.
And I will grow....and become a better woman...a stronger woman.
this is life.

Water, Water Everywhere and not a Drop to Spare...

I forgot about the notice hung on my door saying the water would be shut off today, from 8am to 5pm, while they do some work on the water lines.

I remembered when Mason came into the living room, mouth full of toothpaste and mumbled that his sink wasn't working.

I was annoyed after changing a plethora of diapers(mostly poopy) and needing to wash my hands.
(I settled for a wet wipe and some sanitizer.)

I became very angry when I laid both my babies down for an afternoon nap and went to take a shower.
I contemplated standing in the shower and pretending to make myself feel better.

I became livid when I thought of all the laundry that needs to get done before we leave Friday morning for a week-long trip.

They should NOT be allowed to turn the water off for a whole day in a house with one mama and three small children.

 I am counting down the hours until 5pm.

Not Me! Monday

It's been many, many weeks since I participated in MckMama's, Not Me Monday! I thought it was time I hopped back on the bandwagon...

So, without further ado....





I did not take Will into the bathroom with me, close the door and proceed to feed him bites of yogurt while I peed so that he would not wake up his sleeping baby brother while I was in the bathroom. Nope, Not Me!

I did not wake up to a baby who was leaking out of his diaper in my bed, laying right next to me. I did not then, just lay a towel over said mess after changing baby's diaper and go back to sleep. Nope, Not Me!

I did not eat 5, yes 5, cookies for my lunch one day this week. I would not do such a thing just because I was too lazy to make myself a real lunch. Nope, Not Me!

I did not pump 7 precious ounces of my breastmilk out for Baby Theo and then when he would not take it, I did not give the milk to Will. Nope, Not Me!

I did not then find said bottle of my precious liquid gold with 3 ounces left on the floor of our older boys' room the next day. I would not let my milk go to such waste. Nope, Not Me!

I did not miss my Will on Matt's and my date this last Friday night numerous times after complaining all week about how I never get a break. That would be silly and I did not do that! Nope, Not Me!

What did you NOT do this week?

I Need To Get Out More.

 Mason was at school, Will was napping and Theo was sleeping in his vibrating chair in the living room.
Our kitchen window looks out on our backyard. I was doing dishes and suddenly saw two men in the backyard.

It's not a new thing  to see people in our backyard. Our Xcel guy comes straight in the backyard to read the meter and then leaves. Add into that we have every neighborhood kid around just strolling in to use the trampoline, swings, etc. and I am not even fazed anymore to see people at random times in our yard.

One of the  men looked up at the window and tried mouthing something to me and pointed up. I motioned for him to head around to the back door so I could hear him.

Both the men met me at the back door. This conversation is what followed.

Man: I am here to measure the roof.

Me: Oh, ok. Good.

Man: I was going to ring the doorbell but saw the baby sleeping through the front door and didn't want to wake him up.

Me: Oh, good. Thank you so much for not ringing the doorbell. So many people just ring the doorbell without even thinking. Usually I juuussstt get the babies both to sleep and the doorbell rings. It's really hard to get anything done when it is constantly waking them up. Right now, he is sleeping really well and I actually have another baby too. Well, not quite a baby- he is 17 months. But, pretty much two babies and they are both sleeping really well and I have a lot to get done, so..............thank you so much for not ringing the doorbell.

Man: Nodding, backs away slowly from me. (Well, not quite but who would blame him if he did?!)

You know it's time to venture out of your house for some alone time/girlfriend time/date night when you completely embarass yourself by telling some random roof guy every detail of your kids nap schedule.

Can you tell I spend the majority of my day, 5 days a week, with little people? 

Like I said, I need to get out more.

The Story of Theodore William Rickman.

So...it's been a while. I give you the birth story of Theodore William Rickman. I warn you, it's long. Just like my labor- ha! If you make it through, I shall reward you with pictures of Baby Theo. Now, now, don't cheat and skip to the end. :)

I had seriously reached the point in my pregnancy where I thought our baby boy would NEVER come out of me! I cannot fathom women who go to 41-42 weeks-what misery!  I know there are women who are so thankful for every day of pregnancy- I was thankful for having a cervix that would eventually open and GET THAT BABY OUT! When I reached my due date(August 3rd) I decided I was done! I took the advice of my doula and tried two things:

1. I drank Raspberry Leaf Tea which is supposed to stimulate contractions of your uterus.
2. I pumped with my handy-dandy breast pump. (Which hurt like hell- I could only stand about 15 minutes before I gave up.)

After drinking 3 cups of the tea on Monday and one on Tuesday, still nothing was happening. On my appt. that Tuesday, my contractions FINALLY registered on the non-stress test but I was only 50% effaced and barely a fingertip, if any dilated. My contractions were painful and would get consistent, then irregular again. 

On Tuesday, around 10pm, my contractions started getting regular again. This had happened so many times that I didn't think much and thought, Here we go again. I was so exhausted from pain that seemed to go nowhere and didn't dilate anything. Matt and I went to bed around 11pm-12am that night. However, this time was different. The contractions woke me up all through the night/early morning. They were so painful, I couldn't move- I just froze every time and cried out for Matt. I also felt a crazy strong pressure down there like I was going to pee my pants. About 230-3am, I couldn't lay there anymore- it was so painful!

Matt and I got up and I sat on the toilet to pee, which was a very painful position to be in. Every time I felt like I had to pee(which was a lot), I would be in tons of pain in that position. I finally got in a hot bath which felt incredible and Matt sat in the bathroom with me. We were both exhausted already from being up all night. I got in and out of the bathroom a couple times over the next several hours. As the sun rose and it started to get light outside, my contractions intensified-big time. I couldn't speak through them, I had to moan to get through them. Matt had a Contraction timer on his phone and was timing them from around 330-4am.

We had Mason, Jack and of course Will at the house with us and the boys all started to get up for the day. I was pretty sure this was the real thing but also still doubtful because of all the false alarms. It was time to start figuring out where the boys were going to go, if only to be just Matt and I home to cope with the pain. I remember walking in a contraction haze to the older boys' room and getting Jack and Mason some clothes. I had a contraction that I moaned through and Jack looked up at me and said, "Coley- are you ok?" He was so sweet in his concern for me. I said, "Yes the baby is coming and it sometimes hurts mamas when that happens." He nodded like he knew all the time. :)

We somehow got all the boys in the car and set off on a trek to drop them all off. Unfortunately, our car was also acting up and kept leaking all the coolant and overheating, so everytime we stopped anywhere, Matt had to fill it up again with coolant or water. We also have had construction and torn up roads all throughout our small town. Let me tell you-Bumpy Dirt Roads And Labor Do Not For A Happy Mama Make. We first met Jack's mom at Target. I did not want to have a contraction in front of her and I just didn't want to be in pain in front of her. Of course, right as she pulled up, on came a huge one. I worked through it.

I had a very strong urge to pee while at Target so I walked in to do so(incredibly slowly and labor breathing- I definitely got some looks).Being in the car was SO uncomfortable and such an awful position to be in. I needed to walk, stand, anything but sit. We still had to drop Will off with Matt's parents and Mason off with his nana. It seemed like it took FOREVER. We had called my doctor's office at this point and because my contractions were regularly 5 minutes apart and had been for several hours, they wanted me to come to the hospital and have the on-call doctor check me.

True to what we expected, my doctor suggested we drive down to the hospital in Denver, where the high-risk, VBAC friendly, doctor is located. We refused. They made it seem like our only option and when we refused, then stated, "Well, yeah, you don't HAVE to, it's just a suggestion." It makes me sad how women that know much less than I do and don't have the same experience just do what the doctor says, blindly trusting and not realizing they have other options. But, anyhow- back to the point.

We FINALLY met my doula at the hospital. (Seriously, it took us 2 hours to drop off three kids!) They walked me to a room. A different (female) doctor was on-call and I feel like everything lined up to be just how it should be. She was amazing. She is a doctor in the same practice however it was obvious her views weren't necessarily the views of the other doctors. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that she is a woman and a mother and realized I was lied to about my choices.

The first thing she said was, "Look, I know you have been getting A LOT of flack for your choice to attempt a VBAC. There are risks, but if you are serious about doing this, I will support your decision. However, we HAVE to be able to trust each other and agree that the #1 most important goal for both of us is a happy, healthy baby and mama, right?" I felt so comfortable with her and like someone was finally listening to me.

She checked me and I was 1 cm dilated and 70% effaced. Since I had been 0 cm and 50% effaced just the day before, we decided to stay and walk some and see if we could get labor rolling. She had told me that some women in this stage take hours-days to really get labor going. I was so hoping it wasn't days. I put two gowns on(one on backwards to hide my butt)  :) . We walked around the labor and delivery unit and that floor of the hospital for about an hour. My doula was instrumental in helping me with the pain. She talked me through how to hang my body on Matt's and breathe/moan my way through. After an hour, I was checked again and was at 2 cm. I was so excited that I had made progress!

We decided to do some more walking. I didn't want to get in the tub until I had reached 4cm because I had heard/my doula also told me that water can slow down labor and I did NOT want to do that at this point. I walked for another hour with contractions becoming seriously more painful. I was checked again and was at 4 cm. My doctor was shocked I had progressed so quickly. 4 cm meant the hospital would admit me so on came the flurry of that. I remember feeling that this was a dream- I couldn't possibly ACTUALLY be in labor, and getting admitted to the hospital.

At this point, we walked a bit more and I tried out the birthing ball but hated it! I(and by I, I mean my doula, Matt AND myself...that pain makes it hard to make decisions by yourself) decided to get in the tub. The pain was getting quite intense. Oh, how good the hot water felt. It didn't completely take it away but it took the edge off. 

At this point, lots of it is now a blur. Hours upon hours of labor,occasional cervix checking, finally giving in to some Fentanyl, being pissed at the second nurse when she came on shift and told me that she gives Fentanyl in between two contractions. Bitch. She really was an awesome nurse but that news did not please me. In fact, at one point I remember screaming out the bathroom door when I knew she was in the room, "and somebody has to wait for another damn contraction!" or something like that.

The things that helped the most with my pain were hot water, gyrating my hips while standing and hanging my arms on Matt/the counter/the portable bed table(which wasn't very stable). Other tricks that helped me were to moan- sometimes it got REALLY loud but I didn't care. My favorite position was on all fours and rocking back and forth- I did this on the bed and in the tub. Sitting or laying down was excruciating for me. Whenever it was time to check me, the contractions were horrible to get through because I was laying down.  Every time I had a contraction, my doula would watch the monitor and tell me I was hitting the peak, and then tell me when I was coming down. That helped me SO much- to know it would end. She must have been able to tell by my noises the intensity of the contractions because even when we were in the bathroom and I was in the tub, she knew when I was hitting the peak and when I was coming down. I can't tell you enough how important it is to someone trying to go epidural free to have a doula to help with methods to ease the pain. Even if you know all of it, when you are in that much pain, you aren't thinking clearly. It helped immensely to have someone there to say, "Ok, let's try this, that's not working anymore, ok, let's try this, now let's try this." We just kept going back and forth in different positions, different activities. It also took some of the pressure off Matt and he was free to just be there with me, hold my hand, support me.

I did dilate to 6, then 7, 7.5, then it just stopped. No matter what I did, I could not get it to progress any further. We walked, I bounced, squatted, got in water, gyrated, on and on. I was in so much pain and exhaustion from not having slept for almost 2 days. It was now Thursday morning- early, around 1230am. I had been laboring for 26 hours and Fentanyl wasn't cutting it. The baby's head had not moved down further and they were afraid to rupture my bag of membranes because the doc was afraid the cord would come down first based on where his head was and cause a whole different set of risks. I hadn't progressed beyond 7-7.5 for about 6 hours and they were worried. The baby's head wasn't coming down like it should be, with how strong my contractions were and how close together. My doctor thought maybe it was a fit problem but everyone involved(including my doula) knew something wasn't quite right because my body just WOULDN'T dilate any further or move my baby down at all.

I have never been so emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted as I was at that moment. I had fought for this for 9 months, I was here, so close, pushing through, enduring pain and it just wouldn't come to fruition. We had to start considering a Cesarean though because along with all the other stuff, baby's heart was not accelerating and decelerating as much as it should have been and was changing. The other thing to consider was that with my prior C-section(the 2nd) they had found A LOT of scar tissue from my 1st C-section. There was so much, my surgery took a lot longer to open me up because of all the scar tissue. My doctor was concerned that if an emergency situation presented itself, she wouldn't be able to get in fast enough if the same scar tissue had grown back.

I remember feeling defeated and just crying. Bawling. In front of my doctor, the nurse, my doula, Matt. The doctor comforted me and told me, "You have done amazing, you have done everything right, I know how badly you want this but with the baby not moving down and no more progression after so many hours of labor, I just feel there is a reason he is not moving down. I will give you some time to discuss this with your husband." I looked up at him and while bawling, told him, "I just don't want you to be disappointed in me." My doula left the room to let us be alone.

One of the most special moments of my life followed. Matt looked at me, held me and told me, "Are you kidding? I am so, so incredibly proud of you." Together Matt and I made the decision to have a C-section.

A few minutes later, my water broke. My doctor was in the room and I remember her saying something about it being green and having meconium in it. At that point, my thoughts shifted to one thing: Let my baby be ok. I just wanted them to cut him out right then and there, as long as he was ok. I was so worried.

They wheeled me back to the O.R.  Getting a spinal block in when you are having contractions SUCKS! I jumped off the table the first time before the needle was in. The anesthesiologist very nicely and firmly told me, "You cannot do that." I ignored him and moaned and screamed through my contraction and then got back on the table. The rest of my membranes broke at that point and went ALL OVER the floor, table, me. The doctor and I were laughing at how much there was and she said, "Now you know why women don't want that to happen at the grocery store." My doctor stood there and held my shoulders and told me how great I had done and how impressed she was with me while the drug doc did his thing. I love love love the doctor that I was blessed to have taking care of me, Matt and our baby boy.

Then they did their surgery thing. I knew the drill. I did have quite a bit of scar tissue again. I was so anxious for them to get our boy out so I would know he was ok. I kept thinking that he wouldn't be breathing and would need oxygen- I don't know why.When they got to where they could see him, the doctor said the cord was wrapped around his neck. I was even more worried. She unwrapped it from his neck. He finally was pulled out and hearing him cry was the sweetest sound! He was breathing. They showed me his beautiful face over the curtain and he was a little bluish purple. The pediatrician took him to the warmer- Matt went with and my doula stayed with me. I heard them say, "Look at those eyebrows!" We have since determined he has his Grandpa Bill's 'Andy Rooney' eyebrows. I couldn't stop crying, I was so glad he was ok. I kept asking if he was ok and kept getting told he was. Theodore(Theo) William Rickman was born 8-6-2009 at 1:42 am with tons and tons of hair!

I don't remember when they weighed him but remember being told at some point that he was 9 lbs. 2 oz.  and 20 1/2 inches long. Wow!! See, that's just how it should be when you let your body go into labor when it is ready and your baby gets to grow until they are ready. When they brought him to me, after surgery, he was crying to eat. He was hungry right away! I latched him on and he knew just what to do. The differences in my 40 weeks + 3 days baby boy nursing and my 36 and 37 week boys nursing was, and continues to be, huge! They just weren't ready to come out yet! I am so grateful for all I was able to experience and have no regrets about any of the experience. It was an amazing, amazing thing and I got my Sweet Baby Theo at the end.

So....now....I present to you....my beautiful third son, Theodore William Rickman:

                                                   
                                        My big-little guy!

                                             


                                 Mama, Will and Baby Theo

                  Just finished doing his favorite thing: Eating!

                  
                            Our Theo absolutely completes our family!

 These are all pictures of Theo from this past week, at 6 weeks old. His newborn pictures are on a different memory card that's at Matt's office.

It's amazing how Theo is here and it feels like he always has been. We are all so in love with him, even Will. Will gives him kisses, tries to share his Binky by putting it in Theo's eye and just loves on him. He is a little rough and learning how to be gentle. I feel like I say that a million times a day, "Gentle, gentle."

My birth experience wasn't what I expected(Are they ever?) however it has made me more confident, knowing that I can and did endure all I did. At the end of the day, it gave me the best result I could have asked for: a happy, healthy, beautiful, baby boy!!!

A Teaser...

I know it has been over a month since I posted. Details of our little man's entrance into this world coming this week...

Long Explanation.

Life has gone from crazy to crazier. Every time I try to predict what's just around the corner, something changes. That will teach me.

We have run into a situation with my prenatal care provider. Up until 2 or 3 weeks ago he had approved me for attempting a VBAC(Vaginal Birth After Cesarean). I was told that if I went into labor, I could labor. I won't give too many details on the blog but there is lots of evidence showing that he was telling me I could have a VBAC, as much as he wants to deny it.

Suddenly, after an appointment with a different care provider, because mine was unavailable that week, everything changed. I should have known something was up by his reaction to me seeing a different care provider. He was not happy about it and checked his schedule twice to see why he wasn't available. I didn't understand his attitude but blew it off.

Now that other people in the practice are aware, suddenly I can't VBAC. The practice's policy states that they do not allow women to attempt a VBAC with two previous Cesareans without a prior vaginal birth. This is information that would have been useful to me at 20 weeks gestation when my desire to attempt a VBAC was first brought up. Suddenly, my doctor remembered their policy. He stated to me, "I was so concerned about your double closures(from my C-sections) that I didn't even think about our policy." That is unacceptable to me. I feel that I was lied to and mis led. I wish I could go into detail about all the parts that make this even worse, but I cannot.

I don't know why my doctor did what he did. My doula and Matt think he may have been trying to slip me under the radar because he believes I am capable of doing this. He may have thought we would not even make it to this point because of my past history of preeclampsia. (I didn't fully think I would not develop preeclampsia either- but WAHOO, I haven't!) He may have done all this lip service, thinking down the line, I would just cave to a C-section. I don't know what his reasons are but whatever it is, it is wrong.

His refusal to allow me to attempt a VBAC does not mean I will not attempt a VBAC. I know my rights and have spent much time lately(so has Matt) researching what exactly my rights mean for this fight.

He is not allowed to drop my care- unless he finds me a different care provider to transfer to or I leave his care. He is allowed to refuse to deliver me. I am allowed to refuse a C-section and I am allowed to let myself go into labor. The hospital is required to have a doctor to deliver me. This all makes for a very unfortunate situation which I am quite angry to have been placed in. I was upfront and honest about my desires for my birth and my intentions. I was lied to and now because I am so late in the game, they want to make me feel that I cannot have the birth I desire.

Luckily, I am not a pushover. I am thrilled that I was able to schedule an appointment for a high-risk, VERY pro VBAC doctor in Denver. He is a pretty busy, wanted doctor though so I was not able to get in until a few days past my due date. If I am not in labor at that point, I hope he chooses to take on my care. I am confident that I will achieve the birth I want, even without that doctor. If I go into labor before that appointment, I have great support behind me. What I am doing is well within my rights. If I don't go into labor and am able to switch to this doctor, it will be wonderful to be fully supported by an OB that sides with my beliefs.

Please know that if at any point my baby or my health becomes jeopardized, of course I will consider a C-section! I am not looking to hurt myself or my baby and the most important thing is that we are all healthy. There ARE risks with having a VBAC, there are also HUGE risks with having a THIRD C-section. I believe the risks of C-section far outweigh VBAC risks.

Baby Boy is doing awesome! We just had a biophysical profile done and fluid level, heart rate, breathing movements and fetal movement all look great! I will continue to submit to monitoring with the non-stress test until he chooses to arrive. If any danger signs arise, Matt and I will look at those and make decisions at that time. I also know that some doctors (especially my doctor) are big into scare tactics and I am not going to be bullied.

We definitely have an interesting couple weeks ahead of us, no matter which path this takes us on. I have to say that I am so INCREDIBLY blessed to have the full support of my husband. Not just that, but he has jumped in and researched, learned and educated himself to help me more. (If you want to know anything about VBAC's, talk to Matt- he is a wealth of knowledge.) He knows my birth desires and has done everything in his power to back me up and help me on this path- I am so grateful I don't have a pushover husband either.

Matt made a joke yesterday that I need to come into the hospital, wearing this shirt. I think it is an excellent idea!

One Year Ago...

This was Baby Will.

And now.....

He is still so much my baby but so much my big guy too.

His new words this week:

-Graaammm-PA(his beloved Grandpa)

-Da-ne(Daphne, his big sister)

-di-PER(diaper)

-dink(drink)

-chok-it(chocolate...he has been saying this one for a while)

-dut(shut)

Isn't it amazing how much love we hold for our children?

Hmmmm...

Life is busy. Busy however fairly uneventful so not much blogging is going on, on my blog.

Mason started swim lessons! He started with Preschool 1 and has now passed on to Preschool 2, which starts on Monday! He is really impressing me with how much he loves being underwater. He was totally my kid who freaked when water barely sprayed in his eyes during a shower. Suddenly, he has flipped and adores jumping not only in, but under the water!

I am staying busy growing one baby boy and chasing another around! Will is BUSY- he is into everything and cracks me up daily at how curious he is about the world around him. I will be 35 weeks on Monday- it sure has flown. And.....NO PREECLAMPSIA! I have an appt. on Tuesday and then I start going every week. I delivered Mason at 36w5d and Will at 37w2d so it's starting to feel very real!

We are loving summer! I get depressed if I am in the house too much so summer is the perfect excuse to be out in the great weather, enjoying water parks, free movie nights, family time and walks. It will be fun to have a baby in the summer...never done that before.

That's about it for now. Post coming soon with pictures of our water fun, Mason at swim lessons, and my 35 week belly shot!

Pieces.

Pregnancy Tidbits:

-After having an innie all the way through for my first two pregnancies, my belly button has suddenly decided to start popping out. I love it!!

-I am alternating between nesting like mad and being so exhausted I could take two or more naps and still go to bed early.

-My doctor ok'd me trying for a VBA2C! He did keep repeating that my success rate is 50%, to which I wanted to reply, "Do you know how stubborn I am?" I am hoping-hoping-hoping preeclampsia does not make an appearance this pregnancy and ruin my VBA2C plans.

-It's starting to really sink in that there is going to be a NEWBORN BABY BOY here in a few short weeks!!! I am aching to see his face, hear his cry, and just know my precious 3rd son.

-I am reminded every day of how incredibly blessed I am. It makes me cry just thinking of it(that and the hormones). I read all these blogs of these women who struggle to get pregnant, struggle to stay pregnant, and struggle to have healthy babies. I have taken these things for granted. I get pregnant very easily, pregnancies go fairly well(minus the preeclampsia issues) and I have beautiful, healthy babies that thrive. I am just amazed at how blessed I am and I do not take it lightly anymore.

- We are SO set up for this baby. I have seriously bought two little jumpers-that's it. I don't need anything else, we just had a baby boy last year and he has lots and lots of clothes. We do still need our infant car seat and shortly after Baby Boy is born, we will be purchasing this:

http://www.pishposhbaby.com/7-1060022d.html

Other than that, we have EVERYTHING else!

-It's been so nice to have Matt home for a few days after his whirlwind few months planning this HUGE conference!(He took 4 days off to just be home.) It was a success, of course, because he is amazingly talented. However, now life can slow down a bit and I am thankful for a slowed down few weeks before it speeds up again. :)

-Life is good. Seriously. Really, really good!

Where There's A Will, There's A Way.

This little boy:

-started life out with the loudest screams I have ever heard from a baby.

-is a clone of his daddy, down to the mischievous twinkle in his eye- and I love it!

-went hungry for a good portion of his first two months, and I didn't know it. :(

-has surely made up for it over the past year.

-is about to become a big brother at 15 months old.

-loves every, single type of fruit but his FAVORITE is blueberries.

-has shown me that the heart can grow EVEN BIGGER to make room for more baby boy love.



-loves to climb stairs, open and close doors and dance by either
bouncing his body up and down or rocking side to side.

-still sleeps in Mama & Dada's room.

-melts my heart EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Flashback to March 28, 2002

Today, I was rushing to the hotel Matt is staying at, to bring him his suit. His suit had sat in my car for 3 weeks or more, needing to be dropped off, for the purpose of him wearing it tonight.

Of course, as is my way lately, I had forgotten over and over to drop it off. So, yesterday I frantically drove to the cleaners and had them rush clean it. I picked it up after 5 today and drove it to Matt.

So, I was driving, not very focused. :( I was talking to Mason and Will was crying. I stopped at a stoplight and a car pulled up beside me. Just out of habit, I glanced over.

Suddenly, my world slowed down. Time stood still. I literally flashed back. The driver of this car was the same man who took my mother's body from her Hospice room to the funeral home. Right beside me, in his car, with his family.

I will never forget so much about that precious day that my mother left this world for a much better one than I can even fathom. One of my most dear memories was this man.

I was heartbroken to have him taking my mom's body. I knew it wasn't HER in there, but it was like saying good bye all over again.

To the earthly body that made me chicken noodle soup when I was sick, the body that held me close when I was sad, the body that nursed me as a baby, the body that gave me life. I would never hug this body again with all of my mother's wonderful spirit in it. This earthly body of hers would never make me breakfast again or sit and just talk with me, like my momma always did. She just understood me because she made me, raised me, loved me like only a mom can. I wanted her there with me forever.

This man waited there so patiently, for over an hour, while I kept stalling. I wanted to hate him for what his job was, to take my mom officially away from me, but I couldn't. He was so kind.

Right before I finally let him take her body, I looked at him and said, "Take care of my mom." He looked right into my eyes and said, "I will. You have my word." I didn't know him, but I believed him. He covered her with the blue, velvet blanket and wheeled the stretcher out. I remember looking out the window of the hospital and seeing him gently load her body into his van and drive away.

So, when this man pulled up next to me in his car and looked over, I flashed back to that moment in time. I wonder if he remembers. He could never know how his patience and simple kindness affected me.

I am about to be a mother to my third child, a gift I feel undeserving of at times. I can hardly stand that my beautiful mother, who made me who I am and taught me how to be a mother, isn't here to share in it. I know just what kind of grandmother she would be to my babies- Amazing. Exactly like the kind of mother she was.

Alone but not Lonely.

Not sure if it's my pregnancy and the toll this third one has taken on my body and mind.

Not sure if it's the knowledge that very soon, another little life will change my life and world all over again.

Not sure if it's because my husband has been so insanely busy at work due to his National Conference planning(one week and life slows down, yay!) that showers taken together and quick hugs and kisses seem to be all the time together we have lately.

Not sure if it's because every single thing my friends do and say annoys the piss out of me.

However- I am in a place I have never been before. I am truly enjoying alone time- in fact, even desiring it. I have never felt like this before. 

Up until about 2 months ago, I was clingy Nicole, need to have you with me, by me, around me.  It felt odd to be by myself. When my kids took naps, I missed the noise suddenly. I needed the noise just to have noise- so I wasn't by myself. 

I was also Nicole that was bothered by how others perceived me. If they didn't like me, it destroyed me. If I said or did something wrong, I would worry about it for WAY too long. Now I can honestly say I don't care. If you like me- you do. If you don't like me-you don't. It is not my life mission to get you to see me in a positive way. I am who I am. That's not perfect however I also bring a LOT to the table. If you don't see it, I don't care anymore.

I feel confident in myself in a way I have never felt before. Is this part of getting older and growing?

I have started praying more, started writing more, started talking to my momma more, started enjoying the time I have with myself more. 

I feel like I have grown enormously(and I am not just talking about the belly). :)

I am finally starting to understand EXACTLY what my goals are, what I want for my life, for my kids' lives, for mine and Matt's relationship between the two of us, for our family.

I am not shy about demanding what I need. 

I feel like I am in a REALLY good place right now. 

because I should be studying!

Things that give me heartburn: 

Orange juice

Cranberry juice

Jelly

Bananas

Butter(on toast)

Mayonnaise

Mustard

Mexican food(which I LOVE and am craving non-stop right now.)

Too much water(ok, I KNOW but it's true)

Macaroni and cheese

Things that take the heartburn away:

Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream!

------------------------------------------------------------------

Because I promised a belly shot, I have included my 26 week shot of the belly. Please ignore the fact that I am 32 weeks today and this picture is already outdated. Details, details. 

I feel super uncomfortable at this point in my pregnancy and cannot imagine another 8 weeks of growing! I am trying to focus on the fact that I have been  incredibly blessed to have not just one, not just two, but THREE healthy babies! Matt and I talk about that a lot- how some people can't have one yet we have been blessed FIVE times with healthy children. Whew- glad all those babies weren't from MY uterus- my third pregnancy is pushing my limits, don't know how you would pull off 5! :)

I am extremely hungry these days but the only thing I want to eat is Mexican gumbo from Qdoba and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream- not such healthy choices.

At my check-up this week, my blood pressure was good. My urine was free from protein( a sign of developing preeclampsia). Yay for no preeclampsia! I asked my doctor how likely I am to develop this again and he said because I did with both of my previous pregnancies, it's pretty likely. However, he did say stranger things have happened and he has seen women with two or more previous cases not develop it. 

We talked about a C-section date. I feel like my doctor is not fully respecting my decision to try for a VBAC.  He is kind of C-section happy however I am not really wanting to switch doctors at 32 weeks. He would like to schedule a C-section at 39 weeks however after talking with Matt, I have decided that we will schedule a date for my section at 40 weeks and see what happens with my body until then. If I DO develop preeclampsia, the baby will need to be taken out right away. There is no room to play with me and preeclampsia, we know what happens and how it progresses. However, if I DON'T, I am going to let my body go into labor. If I hit 40 weeks and still no signs of labor, I might have to consider doing a Cesarean at this point. For women who have had one or more C-sections, using drugs to induce labor ups the risks BIG TIME. So those are off limits for me. But...if I am 40 weeks and dilating some, I might continue to just let my body do its thing. It's all still very much in the air and makes me feel a bit uneasy. It's so crazy to think that Baby Boy could be here in 4 weeks. I am hoping it's around 37-38 weeks, but the longer he cooks, the better!

I am so excited to meet this active little man! I want to stare at his sweet face, hear his cry, introduce him to his brothers and sister, hold him, breast feed him, just be a mama to a newborn again. It goes so quickly and I can't wait to love on my new babe!

--------------------------------------------------------------

My online classes have started! I am actually enjoying them...I have started managing my time better because of the awareness of NEEDING to get my assignments, discussions and reading done. So I have accomplished more and become more organized than I have been in months. 

NOW....if I could just have some help with this heartburn...

The Wiener Mobile...

It's the Wiener Mobile!! Matt was filling my car up with gas and happened to have the Wiener Mobile pull up beside him to fill up too. 

No, we don't eat hot dogs or meat of any kind, actually. 

However, a girl can still love the Wiener Mobile!

Happy Friday!

***Post coming soon with LOTS of pictures of my boys and my belly. ***

Just Another Manic Monday!

****UPDATED: Wow! I just kept typing and typing earlier, with no thought to how LONG this post is. So, here is your warning: This post is LONG! :) IF you make it through, you will be rewarded with oodles of pictures on my next post.****

Have I mentioned how much I DESPISE Mondays?

I am a stay at home mom(well, mostly, I work 8 evenings a month) however I consider myself a stay at home mom. 

So, why would I dislike Mondays so?

Mondays are grocery day, preschool day for Mason, and general nuttiness at our house!

Usually the house is in desperate need of dishes to be done, the laundry has accumulated and yet it is a day full of running around that gives me little time to do this. 

I love my husband- very much- but he does not do dishes and laundry the way I do. I am kind of(ok, REALLY) particular about it. So I ask him not to do these things- at all. I think he's secretly thrilled. :)

However, I work every other weekend in the evening and while I am away, what a mess they make!! 

So....Mondays= madness!

Mason's preschool is in Loveland and about a half hour drive from our house. So, just to take him and bring him home is an hours drive, plus I do not want to drive ALL the way home and back again, so I kill time while he does his preschool thing. It takes up the day. 

However, preschool is almost over for my boy and then we are on to summer!! Don't think we are slowing down though- He is already signed up for 4 weeks of daily swim lessons and will shortly be signed up for a 4 week long sports program that focuses on a different sport each week. Mason is excited! He kept telling me he wanted to play basketball but The Parks and Recreation Dept. doesn't have basketball teams set up until 2nd grade. With this program, he will be learning a little about many different sports: basketball, lacrosse, soccer, etc. 

Will is in full walking mode now and is so proud of himself, toddling everywhere. He is not super steady on his feet but sure loves taking steps! He is also SLOWLY getting in his upper right tooth- it sure has been bugging the little man! Will is talking like crazy- copying everything Mama and Dada say. His favorite thing to say is, "Git doooowwwnnnn." He learned this from Matt and I repeating this over and over when he climbs the stairs. His other favorites are-up, thank you, mama, dada and go. That pretty much summarizes what he does all day- goes, gets up, gets down, says thank you, and loves on his mama and dada. He is into everything and is so, so curious about his world.

I am ending my 28th week of pregnancy and can't believe there will be another beautiful, busy boy here this summer!! I am so, so excited yet so, so scared and nervous. I am taking on a lot!

I am going on maternity leave from my PT position at the end of June and still am not sure if I will be going back or just strictly staying home with my boys.

 I am starting summer classes(online) June 1st through the summer and will probably be going full time in the fall. I haven't decided yet. If I go PT in the fall, I will probably keep my PT job. If I go FT in the fall, I will likely be leaving my part time position but staying on-call. I think FT school, three small kiddos AND working would be a bit much for me. With an on-call position, I have the option of picking up shifts. They do have some requirements about working at least two shifts a month yet they aren't too strict about it. Plus, it might be kind of nice to get out of the house for two shifts a month! I have a lot of decisions to make regarding the fall but am going to just take it one day at a time as I learn my new role of momma to THREE BOYS!

I am apprehensive about what this new little life is going to mean to Mr. Will. He just isn't at an age to fully comprehend everything. He has his own little baby doll, which he alternates between cuddling and smacking its head on the ground. I tell him about the baby in my tummy all the time and when he plays my belly like a drum, I talk to him about when the baby in Momma's tummy will come out. I have talked about the baby in my tummy along with his baby doll to help him associate the word, baby. I feel that when it is time for this little blessing to arrive, Will is going to think I abandoned him. When he comes to visit at the hospital, he is going to think he has been replaced. He is absolutely my baby and I don't think he is going to understand at first. I am most nervous about the time I will be in the hospital because I have never been away from him overnight and he still comes into our bed in the wee hours of the morning. This is something I am working on transitioning him out of yet I so feel that he is going to think he has been replaced. 

My wonderful, amazing, aunt will be flying out to stay with the boys while Matt, Baby Boy and I put in our time at the hospital. This is going to be great because Mason and Will will be able to stay in their house, with their routine and my aunt is more than happy to bring them both up to the hospital once a day (maybe more!) to visit. I have no concerns about them being cared for- they will have a blast with their Aunty Angela. I just worry about my little baby and all that this will mean for his tiny world, which pretty much revolves around his momma. I know we will get through it and once Matt and I are home to love, love, love on him, I won't be so worried. It's mostly the time away that concerns me. I have even thought about having him sleep with us at the hospital at night, but honestly don't know if I am up for two under two, at the hospital, while recovering from the C-section I will likely have. 

Are there any blogger mamas who have done this before that have tips/suggestions to ease this time period for Will?

Anyway, off to make lunch and run my big guy off to preschool. Have a great, MANIC Monday!

Lazy Saturday: Puking Included.

We have our whole brood of 6 together this weekend! 

Unfortunately, Mr. Mason is sick. :(

He has all the essentials: water, blanket, comfy couch to relax on, cartoons and 'The Puke Bucket'(see pink bucket below-don't worry, I washed it out after each round of puking). You know what I mean if you have kids that have ever thrown up. A certain bucket or bowl gets designated 'The Puke Bucket.' That is ours.

Mason starts to feel better and wants to run and play with Daph and Jack, then needs to puke again and goes back to resting for a bit.

.

Thankfully, the rest of the kids are up for a laid back morning of pancakes, pajamas and cartoons.

Except for poor Mason. He keeps asking me if he can have a pancake however I am a bit hesitant after all the puking. I gave him a banana to take bites of slowly and have promised to give him a pancake if he can keep that down. I just have a feeling as soon as he eats it, it will make a reappearance. 

Meanwhile Will is snoozing in his bed. I think he may have an ear infection. He has been unusually whiny, tugging at his ear, and wanting to lay his head down every couple minutes, on the left side only(the side he has been tugging at).

Excuse the naked pillow. The pillowcase for it is in the wash.

We hope to be on the mend soon. :)

Hope you all in blogging land are having a sick-free and pancake-full Saturday!

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day...

I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

I am in a grump funk. 

I think I will blame it on my raging hormones. :)

My good friend Danielle and I used to read this book:

whenever we were having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. 

Yes, we were 18- and your point? :)

I think I need to go buy it today. 

AND a big 'ol ice cream cone. I don't know anyone who is grumpy while licking on a big 'ol ice cream cone. 

Bye for now.

My Stripes!

Mason and I were taking a shower this morning.

He looks at my very swollen stomach and says, "Whoa, cool stripes Mom!"

I almost fell over, I was laughing so hard.

The Man I Love...

I am blessed to be a part of this wonderful man's world.

He is the most talented- handsome- loving- goes out of his way to make me smile- man I have ever known!

We went from 0 to 100mph almost overnight and I have cherished every day. 

I love you baby. 

Here's to forever.

Reflecting.

I feel as if I have lived more life than 24 years worth. 

I have been asked to walk some journeys that I would not wish upon anyone.

Looking back, I feel blessed to be asked to walk those journeys. Where would I be today without that knowledge, that wisdom, that growth?

I look back and have my regrets.

However, EVERY single thing God has put into my life has made me that much stronger, 

that much more capable and that much more sure that I cannot do this all by myself-even as a stronger, more capable, more respectable woman.

I often get stuck on songs that reflect something to me at a certain point in my life. 

In fact, there are times I hear a song and bounce back to another time for a moment. 

I have actually felt a flash of depression or a moment of pride, like I felt at those exact moments, when hearing a song that reminds me of that time, a song that I connected with at a particular point in my life. 

Music is so amazingly healing.

This is a song that I connect with right now. It's not a new one, but a good one.

This is my life

Its not what it was before
All these feelings I’ve shared
And these are my dreams
That I’ve never lived before
Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping

(chorus)
And now that we're here,
So far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
And all the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
And now that we're here its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today

These are my words
That I’ve never said before
I think I’m doing ok
And this is the smile
That I’ve never shown before

Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping

(chorus)
And now that were here
So far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
And all mistakes one life contains
They all finally start to go away
And now that were here
So far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today

I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please dont shake me

(chorus)
And now that were here
So far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
And all the mistakes one life contains
They all finally start to go away
And now that were here
So far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today

Short but Sweet...

I have about a million half written, saved posts. 

My life is too busy to even blog at the moment, and my "free" time is usually spent napping. 

This pregnancy is zapping me and I am resting my tired body as much as I can. 

Life is good.

I will update more soon. 

Good-night.

First Things First.....

IT'S A BOY!!! 

I am thrilled to announce that we are going to have one full house of boys...and Daphne. :) I had my quick moment of ok, I guess I am not going to experience girl world, at least, starting from Day One. I then felt great happiness that I have been blessed with healthy, happy, baby boys!!!(that grow up to be toddler boys, preschool aged boys, teenage boys(yikes!) etc. etc.)

Those that are mommas to boys know just how special it is. It's a world that I am fully blessed to be immersed in. He(the baby) is handsome(yes, I can tell already ;)) and healthy and growing just as he should. He is 1 pound, 1 ounce and looks JUST LIKE WILL. Hey, I know it's an ultrasound, but it scared me how similar they look.

I am due August 3rd yet my two ultrasounds have both shown a due date of July 29th. Since the dates are so close, my doctor won't change the due date. However, I am officially calling my due date July 29th. :) 

We talked a bit about what to expect around July. Unfortunately, my past history indicates that I will probably develop preeclampsia near the end of pregnancy. But...who knows? The plan is to schedule my C-section for 39 weeks and see what happens. If I develop preeclampsia, as before, if I am 36 weeks or further, they will deliver me right away. Being as how my preeclampsia was SEVERE with Mason and threatened my life, they don't take chances with me. If I am less than 36 weeks, it will be bed rest- which I find funny, because HOW could I be on bed rest? We would just have to figure it out if it comes to that. 

I did ask the doctor about my options if I go into labor. While I am completely ok with a C-section(especially if the health of my baby or myself or both is put into danger), it would be awesome if I could have a vaginal birth. My doctor said that if I wanted to try I could, but he does not recommend it. He said my chances of success with two previous Cesareans is about 50-60%. I am willing to try it. If I show no signs of developing preeclampsia and I go into labor, I am going to attempt a vaginal birth. I am not going to be stupid and stubborn though- I know the risks. However, I believe it's worth a try. It may never get to that point though. It's pretty much a waiting game. 

Luckily, I have lots to occupy my time while waiting. Will turns 1 on Wednesday and Mason turns 5 next Friday on the 10th. My babies are getting so big! We are having two separate parties because I didn't want Mason to have to share the spotlight for a 1 year old's party. They can share their parties other years. So, we are busy cleaning, preparing and painting(well Matt is) for those. 

I will have a post soon with newest pics of our family, ultrasound pictures and some cute shots of Matt and I. Also, Matt is making a video of Will's first year(including a video of us finding out I was pregnant with him)- I will make sure to get that on here too. 

The story of our 5th child together!

I already feel as if I have been pregnant forever. However, it was only 5 short months ago that Matt and I discovered we had conceived a child together- again. 

Like I have said before, Matt and I never took any precautions to stop more babies after Will was born. We knew we wanted them close together and however close it happened was fine with us. I was nursing Will at the time but was really struggling to continue to do so. The two or three months before I got pregnant, I was constantly taking pregnancy tests. Ok, let's be honest- from the time I had Will, I was constantly taking pregnancy tests. I was getting kind of bummed because we conceived Will 2 weeks after deciding to try and I thought it would happen pretty fast, because I had gotten my period back(sorry, tmi) the first month after having Will.

So, as usual, I had bought a box of two pregnancy tests. Matt knew I had done this earlier in the day but we had been out running errands all day and I think he had forgotten by the end of the day. 

I was mad at Matt for some reason or another. If I cannot even remember what I was mad about, it probably wasn't that important- then or now. :) I decided to take the test without telling him- because I was mad at him. I peed on the test, it immediately came up without the positive line and I threw it in the trash. 

About 20 mins. later I decided to play a joke on Matt and tell him I was pregnant. So, I did. He didn't believe me, so I told him to go look in the trash. 

I will never forget the next moment as long as I live. He pulled the test out of the top of the trash and this huge grin came over his face. He said, "You ARE pregnant." Now I thought he was messing with me so I said, "No, I am not. I just told you that to mess with you." Then he shows me the test. 

Big 'ol fat positive line. Guess I didn't wait long enough because I was so used to the tests coming back negative. I couldn't believe it. Twenty minutes earlier, I was bummed out because ONCE AGAIN, I wasn't pregnant. Little did I know, I really WAS pregnant- just not patient enough, I guess.

So, instead of telling my husband I was pregnant, he told me.

 Once I figured out it was real, I burst into tears. Now that it had ACTUALLY happened, I was scared out of my mind. But excited. Really excited. It now made sense that I had been feeling sick and why my boobs had been hurting(tmi again, sorry about that, but it is MY blog).

I think it was the best possible way to find out I was pregnant- from the very one who fathered this precious, little life. 

My Baby With The Big, Blue Eyes...

I love those big, blue eyes! And all the happy,  loving to crawl but refusing to walk, banana-loving, momma-clinging, baby that comes with those beautiful eyes!!

A New Way of Thinking!

I have been struggling quite a bit lately. It is really difficult to be a stepmom, harder than it has ever been to be a mom. I didn't grow in my womb or birth Daphne and Jack. I was not there from Day One. I try the best I know how to be there for them, without playing the mom role. This becomes difficult since they are a part of my family. When we are all together, it's not a reality that I wouldn't help be the one to bathe, clothe, feed, discipline, and love on them. 

However, I find that whatever I do, their mother finds flaws in it. I try to send coats in case it's cold and she snaps, "Well, it's a nice day." I have looked after Jack when she had surgery, when she has been sick, and several times this week when she just sleeps in. Yet, when she picks him up, does she ever once thank me or even smile? Absolutely not. It's difficult to continue to be unaffected by someone who is constantly watching and waiting for you to fail.

She doesn't like me and I am not fond of her either. However, at some point, you would think she would move on and look past all of the petty, made up stuff. It always seems to be about her, not the kids. How she feels, why this bothers her- When is it time for her to think of her kids?

Kids are very good at sensing conflict. They sense the tension between their mother and I. It doesn't make it easier for them, her, me, anyone. I almost think she wants that tension there because she is afraid to let it be ok for her kids to bond with me, because of her own insecurities.

Like I said, I have struggled with this for a while. However, today I reached this point where I have made up my mind that I am DONE letting this bother me.

I am a phenomenal mother and a phenomenal woman. I don't need her approval.I am not trying to replace her, just trying to find my role in this blended family Matt and I have brought together. While it would be ideal for her to help ease transitions with Daphne and Jack, there are other ways around it. I will continue to be who I am and stop second guessing myself.  I cannot control her actions or behavior, however I can control mine. I am above all this petty crap. I feel a weight lifted off me by just deciding to move on and focus my energy on bigger and better things. 

Matt and I have a beautiful family and focusing all my energy on even more ways to continue to help us, as a family- grow, bond and thrive is ALL I need to focus on. 

So, I am off to do that. 

Have a Great Day!