Monday, October 5, 2009

this is life.

My elbows and feet are so dry I could scratch your back with them.
My hair is always up-usually with wings on the side from not showering.
My legs haven't been shaved in I don't know how long.
My reflection in the mirror surprises me- I can't be that girl. That girl who is 40 lbs. heavier than me. Who is that?

I don't feel pretty.
I don't feel beautiful.
I don't feel worthy.
I don't feel good.

I want to run away to a place where I can shower without having to plan it out 2 hours in advance.
A world where there are more things in my purse for me than for other people.
I don't want to change another diaper, I don't want to hunt down another lost binky, I don't want to be somebody's source of sustenance, I don't want to be in charge.

I am hanging on. Because I know this is a hard day, and this will pass.

So- I treat myself to a Starbucks, and tell myself one day I will miss this.
I remind myself that not so very long ago, I was a single mother, working a full time day job, struggling and oh so envious of stay at home moms who didn't have to feel guilt when they dropped their child off at daycare, who didn't cry while driving to work, wishing it could be them who raised their own son and not strangers. It felt like a dream that was a decade away from ever becoming my reality.

I look at my sweet children and see them growing, thriving, happy. It IS worth it.

It's worth not being able to take a shower, brush my teeth, put on lotion, finish a meal.

I will sip my coffee and I WILL see the blessings all around me. I WILL find the beauty in myself, without a shower, without makeup, without smooth legs or feet.


I AM pretty.
I AM beautiful.
I AM worthy.
I WILL feel good.

That will get me through this day that tests my limits and on to the next.
And I will grow....and become a better woman...a stronger woman.
this is life.


Sherry said...

loved this nicole. It's beautiful. you are a great mama.

Kym said...

Needed thAt today ( as did u!)