our day, summarized.

This morning I hit and killed a bird while driving. :( In my defense, it was fluttering after a moth in the street and by the time I realized it wasn't moving, it was too late.

I was on my way to meet some friends at our local park. I promised my little boys park play and a train ride on the train that chugs around the park.

However, shortly after arriving, the entire left side of Theo's face became puffy and splotchy and his eye and left nostril were continuously leaking. It was clear he was having an allergic reaction. My godmom (who was there with us) thankfully drove the 5 minutes to her house and grabbed some Benadryl for poor little Theo.

Once the Benadryl kicked in, my baby boy was ready for a nap. So I dragged a screaming Will away from his promised train adventure and managed to get both my little dudes buckled in their seats.

We came home, where the 4 and 2 year olds went straight down for a nap. Mason's dad picks him up from school on Wednesdays so I had no plans for 3 hours. My sink was full of dishes. My living room is cluttered with mess and our bathrooms need a good scrubbing. There is laundry waiting for me, shelves to dust in the little's room and a desk to organize in my own room.

So I took a nap. :)

The house will still be waiting for me tonight. And I feel better equipped to take on the previous tasks, my kids and anything else that comes my way this Wednesday evening.

After all, I believe I still owe my son a train ride.

this post is as bipolar as me.

Feeling a bit like this these days:

I just want to be normal in the sense that I want to go through life and feel like I can exist without my medication. However, I cannot.

The past month has made that clear.

There was an error in my automatically refilled prescription with my insurance company that makes me fill through them. Which means I missed my meds for over a month. It only took about 700 phone calls and three weeks for them to fix it- not a suitable amount of time for someone who relies on her medication to function normally. Don't worry- I let them know as much.

While my doctor has told me that I should start feeling the drug work in my body (more so, my brain) in about 2 weeks, I have found it takes me about 4 weeks to feel "normal" again and usually a full 6 to feel like all is well. However, in the past, I did not really feel like this dose was enough.

I have been taking my medication again for 4 weeks. Yet, my mind is still glass half empty in every regard and the world seems a cruel place. I just want to be able to be happy without popping a pill. Sure, I have my moments of manic happiness that comes along with this crazy bi-polar crap, but even those moments feel out of control and chaotic. After doing some research I have found that for my needs, I am actually on a really low dosage and I really feel that it needs to be upped.

 Matt also changed jobs which means our insurance is changing and so for financial purposes, it makes more sense to go see the doctor once our insurance changes (June 1st). I am still taking the dose prescribed and will continue to until seeing the doctor. I am just so sick of feeling yucky about everything. It sure is amazing that one tiny little pill (or a few) can change so much of your brain chemistry for the better.

Please forgive this Debby Downer post but I would really like to crawl in a hole (or my bed) for a year and never come out. So if you need me, that's where I will be. 

full circle

When I was a teenager, I would ask my mom to drive me places after her full day of driving clients to and from houses. (She was a real estate agent.)

She would sometimes flat out refuse, and I would get so mad. "You only have to drive me to-insert friends name- house!" I did not see the problem.

 I have been driving Mason to his school in our old district (a 30 minute drive) for 6 months. That with making sure the husband gets to and from work, and a 4 year old in preschool 2 days a week in addition to all our errands and activities means we are in the car SO MUCH.

Now that I am a chauffeur at least 5 days a week, I totally understand.

Sorry Mom.

pissed as hell

I finished my classes for the semester today. It's always a good feeling to have another one down. 

As I drove home from my school, I had that familiar feeling. 

I wanted to talk to one person. My Mama. BUT I CAN'T.

DAMNIT, I CAN'T. 

That's the thing no one tells you about grief- it doesn't just hit you in the sad times. It hits you in the happy ones too. In the perfect moments where life is going great- I want to share it with her. 

Frankly, it freaking sucks that I can't. 

I miss my best friend. 

I wish I could wrap this up with a pretty little bow but that can't happen either. 

There is no way to make it hurt less.

I feel lucky that I had her beautiful soul in my life for 17 years, thankful for all the amazing memories, and pissed as hell that I do not get to make any more with her. 

Well, hello ME.

For the first time in 8 years, there are no longer babies in my house. My youngest (Theo) will be 3 in August and is becoming more independent and self-reliant everyday.

I mean, the 4 year old still occasionally poops on the floor and it's tantrum city around here with Mr. Theo the Attitude. Life isn't EASY, it's just changing.

My children can now play without my assistance for 30 to 45 minutes at a time. They can sit quietly and look at books and make it through an entire kids movie. I find I am getting more and more of my time back.  Part of me wants to grab ahold of the newfound freedom and embrace it! Yet the other part of me is still clinging to my kids needing me because without that, who am I?

Oh, you mean I actually have time to reflect on things? Think about myself for a little bit? What, what? What is this new thing?

This has brought with it a huge growth stage.  I can no longer hide my identity behind my role as a mother and all the sacrifices my children need, because they are needing less of me. Honestly, it's just not healthy to let myself be consumed by only the needs of others. I need to be Nicole and it's important for my children to see that my identity matters too. As I discover more and more what Nicole needs and what Nicole believes, I am finding myself becoming more confident. I am really figuring out that I can choose the people in my life, and I choose more positivity. I had much negative energy around me recently and it was bringing me down. I used to avoid confrontation and instead would just stay in situations that were not healthy for me. Now I am not afraid of voicing my thoughts about things and I understand that not all people are meant to stay in our lives, and there's nothing wrong with that. Every one who enters teaches us something, right? You learn and you can move on.

I like what I have been learning. I like my new time to myself.

Most importantly, I really like the person I am becoming.  

Love makes the world go round.

I watch my two youngest (Will and Theo) play together. They love each other so completely. They play, laugh, sometimes get annoyed with each other and take their space, but always coming back to spend their hours with each other.

I separate them for napping, or napping does not happen. Theo naps in their shared room and Will gets Mom and Dad's bed.  Will is not a huge sleeper so he wakes up first. Waiting for his brother and best friend to wake up is agonizing for him. I have to keep my eyes on Will so he won't sneak up the stairs to wake up Theo. Finally- we hear Theo stirring and Will runs upstairs to let him out of their room. Their reunion is so sweet- hugs and kisses and ginormous grins.

Their newest joy is wrestling. They knock each other down, climb on top of one another, roll over each other, and head butt while giggling the whole time. The protector side of me wants to stop them- someone is bound to get hurt. But I don't. I watch them giggle and bond.

I think so much, I want to be like this as a mother. I want to have this trait or be more patient, more loving. When I stop and observe the way my youngest babies love each other, I realize I must be doing something right.  I must be loving them well if they know how to love each other well. 

Over people, life and finals.

I am feeling quite discouraged.

It's finals week and I do not feel prepared. There is just not enough time in the day to study all the things. JUST NOT! Ugh.

Also, after pouring out my honest thoughts in yesterday's post, there were MANY page views, 0 comments and 1 person stopped following me. Really?!

Sigh.

ceasing the yelling

I am a yeller. When I get angry, I go straight from 0-3000. It's really surprising that I am not Italian- I would fit in with Italian women so well.

 As I have mentioned here before, I struggle with bi-polar and anxiety disorders. Lately, my nerves feel perpetually shot. I lose my temper easily and in comes the yelling.

This morning, I was trying to stay calm and keep my tone low, yet, I started yelling at one of my children that was not listening. My wonderful Matty very lovingly said to me, "Is that the way you want your children to treat your grandchildren?"

No. The answer is no. I do not want to teach them to yell, but that is exactly what I am going to do if I continue to lose perspective and raise my voice. It is my job to help shape them into souls prepared for this world. Yelling teaches nothing. Patience and kindness will take you much further.

Plus, there's this:

Amen brother/sister!

I am determined to be a more positive example for my children by changing my own attitude, words and behavior. I would love your encouragement and support. :)

a boy and his bike (or lack of)

Hi friends!

I come to you, (readers) today with a dilemma.

My eight year old does not know how to ride his bike without training wheels yet.

See, we lived out in the country and bumpy dirt roads didn't exactly make for a great place to practice. That, coupled with no neighborhood friends, meant Mason just never learned how to ride a bike.

At 7 years old, we moved into our current neighborhood. We have sidewalks again! And friends! Lots and LOTS of neighborhood friends, who can all ride their bikes without training wheels. He quickly learned how to ride a bike with his training wheels on, yet he scares easily and is afraid to ride one without training wheels.

I want my son to be able to ride his bike with his friends outside and feel comfortable. ( I know right now, he does not.) I want to be able to go for family bike rides. Daphne and Jack both know how to ride without training wheels very comfortably (Jack learned at his mom's). Once Mason knows how, the babies can go in our bike trailer and our family can hit the road for some adventure!

It is time for Mason to learn however he is starting out with little confidence.

Any tips?

This is the first time I have ever done this!


Thanks friends!

It's a little stressful around here this week.

Good news: I buttoned a pair of pants that haven't fit me in over 4 months, and are one size down! They are tight BUT THEY BUTTON!!! 

Bad news: This week and next week I am wrapping up school and taking finals. Blegh. 

Good News: My wonderful husband has a new job with new opportunities! He starts next week, which gave him 5 days off in between jobs. 

Bad News: Are you aware of how much mess a husband can make in the kitchen when home all day?! It's a lot. 

Good News: Summer is fast approaching and so is the 2 week break I get from school!!! Yay!!

Let's just end on a positive note, shall we?! 

Do you have any good news/bad news today?