Sunday, May 27, 2012

this post is as bipolar as me.

Feeling a bit like this these days:

I just want to be normal in the sense that I want to go through life and feel like I can exist without my medication. However, I cannot.

The past month has made that clear.

There was an error in my automatically refilled prescription with my insurance company that makes me fill through them. Which means I missed my meds for over a month. It only took about 700 phone calls and three weeks for them to fix it- not a suitable amount of time for someone who relies on her medication to function normally. Don't worry- I let them know as much.

While my doctor has told me that I should start feeling the drug work in my body (more so, my brain) in about 2 weeks, I have found it takes me about 4 weeks to feel "normal" again and usually a full 6 to feel like all is well. However, in the past, I did not really feel like this dose was enough.

I have been taking my medication again for 4 weeks. Yet, my mind is still glass half empty in every regard and the world seems a cruel place. I just want to be able to be happy without popping a pill. Sure, I have my moments of manic happiness that comes along with this crazy bi-polar crap, but even those moments feel out of control and chaotic. After doing some research I have found that for my needs, I am actually on a really low dosage and I really feel that it needs to be upped.

 Matt also changed jobs which means our insurance is changing and so for financial purposes, it makes more sense to go see the doctor once our insurance changes (June 1st). I am still taking the dose prescribed and will continue to until seeing the doctor. I am just so sick of feeling yucky about everything. It sure is amazing that one tiny little pill (or a few) can change so much of your brain chemistry for the better.

Please forgive this Debby Downer post but I would really like to crawl in a hole (or my bed) for a year and never come out. So if you need me, that's where I will be. 


Dawn said...

I am sorry you have to go through this. Kristen has taken depression meds ever since she had anorexia, and so wishes she didn't have to. But she does. I hope you get your dosage straightened out soon.

Karen Knight said...

No wise words here, just lots of understanding. And some little prayers for you.

ck said...

I'm sorry :-( I wish there was something I could say to make it better...