spinning

they are getting taller and bigger
and it's November, oh my goodness
which leads to Christmas and then a whole new year and birthdays and
in my head it's already spring, then summer

and I can't slow it down
and I can't catch my breath
because laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, preschool help days, schoolwork, and all the rest of it
doesn't rest.

and oftentimes, I feel like I don't either.
I wake up each day thinking, Did I really sleep?
And is it really another day?

I fight to pull myself out of darkness daily.
I do it more for my children than for myself lately.
Thank God for them.

And I need to get to the doctor, need to tell her the words I hate saying
We need to try something else
But that's another trip, more money, more time that I just don't have.

So I take another anxiety med, do another school assignment, change another diaper, kiss another face.
I feel alone in a sea of faces. I am comforted by the memory of 2 months I felt normal, felt good.
And I know I will be there again soon- just as soon as I find the time.
I will find the time.