Monday, November 8, 2010

on forgetfulness, guilt, and the feelings I shouldn't be having

Of course I feel like this, I tell myself. What did you think was going to happen when you stopped taking your pills?

I certainly didn't mean to forget them. I know they are important. They were working and *because* they were working, I forgot just how awful it gets.

That longing to run away and create a life away from all that everyone asks of me? That desire to cover my ears and ignore any time one of these little beings is crying or screaming or wants ME? Feeling overwhelmed by their every need? Yeah...that's all back.

This time I have a plan. A more organized system so that when these horrible-make-me-feel-like-I-shouldn't-have-been-a-mother-at-all-feelings do subside, I will not let them reappear.

I will not let them reappear. Because I had a glimpse of what life is supposed to feel like- I was excited to get out of bed each morning again. I was so anxious to greet my loves when the sun came up. I had hope again. Isn't it crazy that a silly chemical imbalance is in charge of all this???

I am on the path to becoming balanced again. In the meantime I am praying, taking deep breaths, and forcing myself to smile.

3 comments:

nmassie218 said...

Hang in there momma, thinking and praying for you. BIG hugs!

Dawn said...

It's sad that so many have to take these pills - I know so many young moms who do (not only, but that's who I'm thinking of right now). I know the tendency to think everything's all right now, so why take them? I've seen it so many times. Blessings, Nicole - keep taking them.

Briana Renee said...

Wow. I know how that feels. I REALLY know how that feels.
I often question myself as well.
And I probably need something. And refuse thus far to do it. But I should. You're brave, friend!