Sunday, November 21, 2010

Oh, so you want to know what's on my mind?

Well, maybe not. But it's my blog and blogging is my release, so I am releasing. Mmmk?

- I am frustrated with my oldest son, Mason's dad. Mason's dad is content to live his life without working hard or achieving much and it is becoming harder and harder to counteract what he is teaching Mason. I do not want my son to be lazy or blame every issue that comes his way in life, on other people. I believe that the habits we (Matt and I AND his dad) set in place now are ones that influence later habits and am feeling so sad that Mason has such a sorry role model in his life.

-I am tired of where I stand in my walk with God and sick of living a mediocre spiritual life. I have tried to think of every excuse I can to avoid what it is I need to be doing but God doesn't take excuses so well. ;) I need to be getting up earlier than my kids and doing daily devotions- just me, the Bible, God and a cup of coffee. Yet my kids get up at 6 already and thinking about getting up at 5 makes me want to cry. BUT I KNOW I NEED TO DO IT! I know I need to set aside that time every day(and there is NO.OTHER.TIME.) to devote the day to Him, open up my heart to His desires for my life. I have felt a nudging for living a life that means more spiritually than just going to church and reading my Bible. I know He is asking me to live a life for Him that requires action. I am scared to be put into action for Him. Petrified.

-I have done fairly well this semester and should finish with 3 A's and a B. I am bummed about the B but am going to retake that class so my GPA will not be permanently effected. I find myself losing steam at the time when I need it the most {I have three, HUGE, final projects}. I just want the semester to be done.

-I ask myself every night- "Self, are you being the best parent you can be? The best partner you can be?" It seems everyday the answer is no. I get frustrated too much, irritated too often and am not enjoying my days with my kids like I know I should. And yes, much of it has to do with this and in a few more weeks {when my medications are fully in my system}I expect that to change.

So, word of the day? Overwhelmed, people, overwhelmed. Sigh.

"Emma Rae, I have a cookbook to put out and a daughter to raise, and the Gosh darned winter Grand Prix! And I just don't have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve, so please, don't ask me to stop and think."   -Julia Roberts, Something to talk about


Dawn said...

Well thought out, my dear Nicole. I remember coming to that same conclusion when I was a young mom about time alone with God. It is very HARD. I'm glad God is speaking to you so personally!

As for your son - reminds me so much of Kristen's stepson and his mom and her ex, too. So sad.

Do you really think you need to add the pressure of a 4.0 to your busy life? Just asking.

Keep up the good work - I know you're a good mom. But I remember feeling just the same way - even crying in bed at night because I felt like such a bad mom!

Stacia said...

I love your honesty Nicole. :) Congrats about your grades...and my answer everyday is "no" too.
We have a mom's Bible study on Wednesday's...I'd love for you to come sometime!