pushing through it.

i have felt so down in the dumps today. i haven't felt like blogging, cleaning, changing diapers, doing laundry, comforting, using any capital letters while typing,breastfeeding, playing, feeding or taking care of anyone. so i have forced myself to do all these things because that is the only way I know to make it through these days.(except for the capital letters. totally rebelling on that one!) and obviously, my kids need to eat/have diapers changed/be played with/loved on/etc.

not sure if this is something i should be announcing to the world but i don't really care anymore. i have bi-polar disorder. i was diagnosed with this after mason was born and my antidepressants weren't cutting it anymore. i remember reading the paper my psychologist handed me talking about bi-polar disorder, symptoms, feelings- and thinking, how in the whole wide world can they put things i have never told anyone on a paper and nail exactly what it is i am feeling, doing, living.

i struggled with my meds for a loooooonnnnnnggggg time, taking them consistently, then not, when i felt i didn't need them(because they were working, duh!). this is a very common issue in the mental health world. i completely stopped taking them shortly before i conceived will and have been off them since. i was so worried before will was born that i was headed down the same path as after mason was born but it was such the opposite. i was on cloud nine(whatever that even means anyway). after theo was born came the big, dark hole. which completely and utterly SUCKED(i am using capitals for one.word.- that should tell you how badly it sucked)because it's hard enough having two babies, one older son and two bonus kiddos plus a house to take care of and a semester of school to finish up let alone a husband to spend time with and deal with deep, dark depression. that was not a pretty time at our house.

my meds pose big risks to my children if taken during pregnancy or breast feeding and its not a risk i am willing to take. i understand my mental health is important however breastfeeding my children for a full year, if not longer, is something that is just as important to me and i refuse to deprive them of that. i have up days and oh i have down days. i hope my children don't notice because i try like hell to push through it, force myself to do what i have to do. matt picks up the slack where he can because he is, oh, amazing and i take one day at a time. i have 5 more months until theo turns one and if he seems at all ready to wean come august, we will and i will go back on my meds. if not, we will go just a bit longer and then i will go back on my meds.

anyway....i have days like today...where i want to find a big, deep hole, lay in it and sleep for oh, say 1,000 years. it's hard to find the strength to even brush my hair, let alone take care of 3 other little lives. but i do it and i do it well. i am a good mom and while i would be silly to say it never affects our family or kids, if it affects them, it does mildly at best. this is my challenge and i am facing the challenge head on.

and whenever i do have days like i did today...i look at these sweet, beautiful and completely innocent faces. they inspire me.