I don't know how many times someone told me that when my mom found out she was sick, when she was battling the cancer that ultimately took over her body and especially after she passed away.
"It's ok to be angry." That's good because guess WHAT? I AM! Yes, I AM YELLING!
I AM ANGRY THAT MY MOTHER HAD LUNG CANCER!
I AM ANGRY THAT I COULDN'T JUST ENJOY ANY EXPERIENCE MY LAST TWO YEARS OF HIGH SCHOOL WITHOUT HAVING GUILT THAT WHILE I WAS ENJOYING MYSELF, MY MOM WAS FIGHTING FOR HER LIFE!
I AM ANGRY THAT MY SWEET, BEAUTIFUL MOTHER HAD TO HAVE PAIN WRACK HER BODY AND DIE BY SLOWLY LOSING THE ABILITY TO BREATHE!
I AM ANGRY THAT I HAD TO DEAL WITH SUCH ADULT EMOTIONS AT AN AGE WHEN ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS BE CAREFREE!
I AM ANGRY AT WHATEVER PLAN OF GOD'S IT IS TO TAKE MY MOTHER FROM ME AT THE AGE OF SEVENTEEN!
I AM ANGRY THAT MY MOM DOES NOT KNOW MY AMAZING CHILDREN AND THEY DON'T KNOW HER. IT BREAKS MY HEART THAT THEY LIVE THEIR LIFE WITH NO IDEA OF WHO SHE WAS!
I AM ANGRY! PISSED OFF! MAD AS HELL!!
Sometimes I feel incredibly sad, sometimes incredibly lonely for my mother, and other times incredibly MAD! I believe that there is an ultimate plan that my earthly body, mind and soul cannot comprehend and that one day, it will be clear. I understand that. BUT I AM STILL PISSED!
It sucks. I miss my mom. I miss everything about what she brought into my life- her compassion, her love, her understanding, her cooking skills, her ear to listen. The way I didn't have to explain because she knew me- she grew me in her body, gave birth to me, nursed me, raised me and she KNEW ME the way only a mother can know their child.
So yes, I know it's ok to be angry. I feel the loss of something taken from me daily and it hurts like nothing I have ever felt. I have run the gamut of every emotion you could feel these past 9 years but right now all I feel is M.A.D!!!!!!
And I have to think that the God who knows me as His child, who created me, who knows the plan and recognizes that I don't, understands that, understands me and understands my anger. In fact, I know He does.