First Things First.....

IT'S A BOY!!! 

I am thrilled to announce that we are going to have one full house of boys...and Daphne. :) I had my quick moment of ok, I guess I am not going to experience girl world, at least, starting from Day One. I then felt great happiness that I have been blessed with healthy, happy, baby boys!!!(that grow up to be toddler boys, preschool aged boys, teenage boys(yikes!) etc. etc.)

Those that are mommas to boys know just how special it is. It's a world that I am fully blessed to be immersed in. He(the baby) is handsome(yes, I can tell already ;)) and healthy and growing just as he should. He is 1 pound, 1 ounce and looks JUST LIKE WILL. Hey, I know it's an ultrasound, but it scared me how similar they look.

I am due August 3rd yet my two ultrasounds have both shown a due date of July 29th. Since the dates are so close, my doctor won't change the due date. However, I am officially calling my due date July 29th. :) 

We talked a bit about what to expect around July. Unfortunately, my past history indicates that I will probably develop preeclampsia near the end of pregnancy. But...who knows? The plan is to schedule my C-section for 39 weeks and see what happens. If I develop preeclampsia, as before, if I am 36 weeks or further, they will deliver me right away. Being as how my preeclampsia was SEVERE with Mason and threatened my life, they don't take chances with me. If I am less than 36 weeks, it will be bed rest- which I find funny, because HOW could I be on bed rest? We would just have to figure it out if it comes to that. 

I did ask the doctor about my options if I go into labor. While I am completely ok with a C-section(especially if the health of my baby or myself or both is put into danger), it would be awesome if I could have a vaginal birth. My doctor said that if I wanted to try I could, but he does not recommend it. He said my chances of success with two previous Cesareans is about 50-60%. I am willing to try it. If I show no signs of developing preeclampsia and I go into labor, I am going to attempt a vaginal birth. I am not going to be stupid and stubborn though- I know the risks. However, I believe it's worth a try. It may never get to that point though. It's pretty much a waiting game. 

Luckily, I have lots to occupy my time while waiting. Will turns 1 on Wednesday and Mason turns 5 next Friday on the 10th. My babies are getting so big! We are having two separate parties because I didn't want Mason to have to share the spotlight for a 1 year old's party. They can share their parties other years. So, we are busy cleaning, preparing and painting(well Matt is) for those. 

I will have a post soon with newest pics of our family, ultrasound pictures and some cute shots of Matt and I. Also, Matt is making a video of Will's first year(including a video of us finding out I was pregnant with him)- I will make sure to get that on here too. 

The story of our 5th child together!

I already feel as if I have been pregnant forever. However, it was only 5 short months ago that Matt and I discovered we had conceived a child together- again. 

Like I have said before, Matt and I never took any precautions to stop more babies after Will was born. We knew we wanted them close together and however close it happened was fine with us. I was nursing Will at the time but was really struggling to continue to do so. The two or three months before I got pregnant, I was constantly taking pregnancy tests. Ok, let's be honest- from the time I had Will, I was constantly taking pregnancy tests. I was getting kind of bummed because we conceived Will 2 weeks after deciding to try and I thought it would happen pretty fast, because I had gotten my period back(sorry, tmi) the first month after having Will.

So, as usual, I had bought a box of two pregnancy tests. Matt knew I had done this earlier in the day but we had been out running errands all day and I think he had forgotten by the end of the day. 

I was mad at Matt for some reason or another. If I cannot even remember what I was mad about, it probably wasn't that important- then or now. :) I decided to take the test without telling him- because I was mad at him. I peed on the test, it immediately came up without the positive line and I threw it in the trash. 

About 20 mins. later I decided to play a joke on Matt and tell him I was pregnant. So, I did. He didn't believe me, so I told him to go look in the trash. 

I will never forget the next moment as long as I live. He pulled the test out of the top of the trash and this huge grin came over his face. He said, "You ARE pregnant." Now I thought he was messing with me so I said, "No, I am not. I just told you that to mess with you." Then he shows me the test. 

Big 'ol fat positive line. Guess I didn't wait long enough because I was so used to the tests coming back negative. I couldn't believe it. Twenty minutes earlier, I was bummed out because ONCE AGAIN, I wasn't pregnant. Little did I know, I really WAS pregnant- just not patient enough, I guess.

So, instead of telling my husband I was pregnant, he told me.

 Once I figured out it was real, I burst into tears. Now that it had ACTUALLY happened, I was scared out of my mind. But excited. Really excited. It now made sense that I had been feeling sick and why my boobs had been hurting(tmi again, sorry about that, but it is MY blog).

I think it was the best possible way to find out I was pregnant- from the very one who fathered this precious, little life. 

My Baby With The Big, Blue Eyes...

I love those big, blue eyes! And all the happy,  loving to crawl but refusing to walk, banana-loving, momma-clinging, baby that comes with those beautiful eyes!!

A New Way of Thinking!

I have been struggling quite a bit lately. It is really difficult to be a stepmom, harder than it has ever been to be a mom. I didn't grow in my womb or birth Daphne and Jack. I was not there from Day One. I try the best I know how to be there for them, without playing the mom role. This becomes difficult since they are a part of my family. When we are all together, it's not a reality that I wouldn't help be the one to bathe, clothe, feed, discipline, and love on them. 

However, I find that whatever I do, their mother finds flaws in it. I try to send coats in case it's cold and she snaps, "Well, it's a nice day." I have looked after Jack when she had surgery, when she has been sick, and several times this week when she just sleeps in. Yet, when she picks him up, does she ever once thank me or even smile? Absolutely not. It's difficult to continue to be unaffected by someone who is constantly watching and waiting for you to fail.

She doesn't like me and I am not fond of her either. However, at some point, you would think she would move on and look past all of the petty, made up stuff. It always seems to be about her, not the kids. How she feels, why this bothers her- When is it time for her to think of her kids?

Kids are very good at sensing conflict. They sense the tension between their mother and I. It doesn't make it easier for them, her, me, anyone. I almost think she wants that tension there because she is afraid to let it be ok for her kids to bond with me, because of her own insecurities.

Like I said, I have struggled with this for a while. However, today I reached this point where I have made up my mind that I am DONE letting this bother me.

I am a phenomenal mother and a phenomenal woman. I don't need her approval.I am not trying to replace her, just trying to find my role in this blended family Matt and I have brought together. While it would be ideal for her to help ease transitions with Daphne and Jack, there are other ways around it. I will continue to be who I am and stop second guessing myself.  I cannot control her actions or behavior, however I can control mine. I am above all this petty crap. I feel a weight lifted off me by just deciding to move on and focus my energy on bigger and better things. 

Matt and I have a beautiful family and focusing all my energy on even more ways to continue to help us, as a family- grow, bond and thrive is ALL I need to focus on. 

So, I am off to do that. 

Have a Great Day!

Miracles.

Will is sleeping through the night!!

I have been afraid to actually post this, for fear of jinxing it. 

It has been 4 nights and he is sleeping all night.....I am thrilled!!

Now, I have a few months of more sleep until our newest little night crawler emerges. 

My Mom

I am missing my momma this morning. Badly. 

There is nothing I want more than to call her up and talk to her. My heart aches because I cannot. 

The anniversary of her birthday and her death are quickly approaching and I am more aware of this in 2009 than I have been any other year.

I want her to know my boys and frankly, it sucks that she never will, at least not on this earth.

I don't have any more words right now, my heart just hurts. :(

Improvement

I am feeling MUCH better than the last time I posted. I am still stuffy and a bit congested but all the other symptoms are gone. WOOHOO! 

I seem to disappear over the weekend from Internet and BlogLand. Matt is home, we usually have our huge brood of 6 all together and I just focus on family time. 

Today has started off great! Mason is all ready for preschool, Will is napping and I am about to take a much needed(alone!)shower. Plus, for once, I feel pretty productive. I have already done two loads of laundry, dishes are next and Mason is busily cleaning his room.

 I have noticed with this pregnancy, I wear out a LOT faster. Between all the tasks required to take care of my boys and keeping up a house PLUS trying to not forget to take care of myself and this little person inside me, I am worn out! 

Part of me is so anxious to get to July and meet this little person and part of me is ok with taking my sweet time getting to July because I am still VERY nervous about how to fit another little life into our current world. We are busy, very busy. I want to cherish and hold and rock and nurse my new little person and yet not forget about my other little people- the 4 (almost 5) year old that still very much needs his momma and the 11 month old(almost 1 year old) that is quite attached to my hip. I try to focus on one day at a time however when I think about July arriving, I worry. I know I will figure it all out, but the initial few weeks and months shall be challenging.

I am definitely showing now! Matt is going to take some pictures of my rapidly swelling belly this week and I will get those up. I am still not feeling the baby move a TON but I do feel him/her several times a day. I cannot wait to find out if it is a boy or a girl! My intuition says it is a girl and I KNEW with both my boys that they indeed were boys. With Mason, his dad and I found out he was a boy. With Will, Matt and I decided to wait- that was such an amazing moment at delivery. However, this time for purposes of being a little more prepared since we are already taking on a lot more with a new member of the family, we are going to find out!

I am still deciding if our gender news is something we are going to keep to ourselves or not. I guess you will find out if I post (or not!)

Also, please be praying for Baby Jonah. You can also link to his blog from my sidebar. Jonah has a VERY rare skin disorder and is in serious condition. His mom is not allowed to hold him or even touch him because of the blisters and skin peeling caused by touch. It is so so sad but I know that prayer CAN and DOES do some amazing things! 

Have an awesome day!