8 years ago....

- I sat by my mother's side as she completed her battle with lung cancer.

-I could never imagine how much I would miss her.

-I felt the presence of God, in the most intense way, all around me, even as my mother was no longer with us.

-I said goodbye to my best friend.

-My life changed forever.


Not a day goes by I don't think of you, Mom. Not a day.
You are in my every thought and action.
You taught me how to be a mom and I only hope one day, my own children will be as proud to call me Mom, as I am to call you mine.

I am jealous of where you are and how amazing and beautiful it must be.

While we imagine, you are experiencing it. Here's to dancing with Jesus!

Grace lives on in us...

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL MOTHER, VALERIE GRACE!

I am the person I am today because of you. 

You brought me into this world, watched me take my first breath. Unfortunately,  I watched you take your last.

There will never be enough words to show the world how precious and special you were, you are! 

In a place far better than my human mind can even imagine,  I know you are celebrating today. What a grand celebration it must be!!

Happy Birthday Mama! I am honored to carry you with me for the rest of my life and teach my own children the way you taught me. 

because I never get sick of this beautiful face!

In which I explain an embarassing situation...

Ready for it?
....the winner is......JUSTIN at Naked in Public! (I already know your address but let me know whether you want the tote bag, magnet or shirt. If you want the shirt, send me an email with your size- there are also a lot of different options for men's shirts so I will email you those back. )


And, although he is my brother, he had no idea of my truth because of how embarassing it is!
The answer is #2 - I wore an ankle monitor for 30 days while 7 months pregnant.
Yes, I know, ME! I wore an ankle monitor.


Would you like to know how I managed to find myself in such a predicament?


Well. I had a fine on my license from a ticket I received and had completely spaced the fine- until I was pulled over and found out that because of said fine, they canceled my license. YIKES! So, instead of taking care of fine immediately, like I should have, I continued to drive(yes, without a license, I KNOW!). Then, I was pulled over AGAIN. When I went to the first of my court dates, they combined the two offenses. Punishment for driving without a license is 5 days in jail, however, since I was sporting a ginormous bump under shirt(THEO), the DA offered me an ankle monitor instead and said the judge would have the option of up to 30 days. Well, guesssss whhhhaaat? I got 30 days. UGH!


That was not a fun experience. It was of my own making though.  Fine is now taken care of, license is restored, no more ankle monitor and all is good in the world.


and...just to make you smile... here is a little cheesing from my Michelin Man aka Theo! 

You like me...you really like me!

UPDATED: CONTEST CLOSED! ONE PERSON ANSWERED CORRECTLY- WINNER ANNOUNCED BY SATURDAY EVENING!


A couple weeks ago, I was nominated for an award by one of my favorite blog writers, Miss Tracy! An award people!  I was am SO excited, now I know I am officially a nerd. ;)


This is my award:

                                                


Anywhoo, here are the rules: 


1. Thank the person who gave this to you. 
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog. 
3. Link to the person who nominated you.
4. Tell up to six outrageous lies about yourself and one outrageous truth. 
5. Nominate up to seven "Creative Writers" who might have will thoroughly enjoy coming up with outrageous lies. 
6. Post links to the blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know you nominated them. 


SO HERE THEY ARE FRIENDS!! CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONE IS THE TRUTH?


1. I ate a worm that was still alive. 
2. I wore an ankle monitor for 30 days while 7 months pregnant. 
3. I threw up all over someone twice in one day. 
4. I have been sky-diving 4 times.
5. I have been arrested for vandalism. 
6. I have a collection of over 500 stuffed bears.
7. I am currently 10 weeks pregnant. 




And....DRUMROLL PLEASE.... I will now nominate:


*Molly at Stilettos & Diapers


*Dawn at Call me Grandma Dawn


*Brittany at 4 little men and girly twins


*Amber at A Little of What You Fancy Does You Good


*Lauren at busy bee lauren


*Justin at Naked In Public (who also happens to be my SINGLE, intelligent, good looking brother- WINK WINK  SINGLE, intelligent, good looking Ladies!)


*Heather at It's Twinsanity




So which is true???


Leave a comment with your guess and the first correct person will win their choice of an 'I'm so blogging this' magnet, t-shirt or tote bag. (Note: The t-shirt pictured is a women's however there are also men's available- so comment away guys!)

Happy Commenting!!

Wordless Wednesday: Melt my heart Edition

a positive spin.

i am sad. don't have much to say. that's rare for me. 


SO going to focus on the positive......


What I am LOVING this week: 


-theo nursing as he stares into my eyes
-willy running from across the room and barreling into me to give a hug.
-watching mason's eyes light up as he shares with me all he is learning.
-my babies regularly napping so I can get stuff done nap too.
-the weather getting warmer. spring is on its WAY!
-having two cars and being able to go have adventures with the boys. 
-having a fridge stocked with totally easy things to make because i am not feeling the cooking these days.
-reading again.
-the feeling that life really is good.

IT'S OK TO BE ANGRY!

I don't know how many times someone told me that when my mom found out she was sick, when she was battling the cancer that ultimately took over her body and especially after she passed away.

"It's ok to be angry." That's good because guess WHAT?  I AM! Yes, I AM YELLING!

I AM ANGRY THAT MY MOTHER HAD LUNG CANCER!


I AM ANGRY THAT I COULDN'T JUST ENJOY ANY EXPERIENCE MY LAST TWO YEARS OF HIGH SCHOOL WITHOUT HAVING GUILT THAT WHILE I WAS ENJOYING MYSELF, MY MOM WAS FIGHTING FOR HER LIFE!


I AM ANGRY THAT  MY SWEET, BEAUTIFUL MOTHER HAD TO HAVE PAIN WRACK HER BODY AND DIE BY SLOWLY LOSING THE ABILITY TO BREATHE!


I AM ANGRY THAT I HAD TO DEAL WITH SUCH ADULT EMOTIONS AT AN AGE WHEN ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS BE CAREFREE!


I AM ANGRY AT WHATEVER PLAN OF GOD'S IT IS TO TAKE MY MOTHER FROM ME AT THE AGE OF SEVENTEEN!


I AM ANGRY THAT MY MOM DOES NOT KNOW MY AMAZING CHILDREN AND THEY DON'T KNOW HER. IT BREAKS MY HEART THAT THEY LIVE THEIR LIFE WITH NO IDEA OF WHO SHE WAS!


I AM ANGRY! PISSED OFF! MAD AS HELL!!

Sometimes I feel incredibly sad, sometimes incredibly lonely for my mother, and other times incredibly MAD! I believe that there is an ultimate plan that my earthly body, mind and soul cannot comprehend and that one day, it will be clear. I understand that. BUT I AM STILL PISSED!

It sucks. I miss my mom. I miss everything about what she brought into my life- her compassion, her love, her understanding, her cooking skills, her ear to listen. The way I didn't have to explain because she knew me- she grew me in her body, gave birth to me, nursed me, raised me and she KNEW ME the way only a mother can know their child.

So yes, I know it's ok to be angry. I feel the loss of something taken from me daily and it hurts like nothing I have ever felt. I have run the gamut of every emotion you could feel these past 9 years but right now all I feel is M.A.D!!!!!!

And I have to think that the God who knows me as His child, who created me, who knows the plan and recognizes that I don't, understands that, understands me and understands my anger. In fact, I know He does.

Wordless Wednesday: Sleeping wherever I choose Edition

dance off!

Because I bummed the pants off of all of you guys yesterday, I decided it was DANCE TIME!!

Our mornings aren't complete without a dance off and this is the song my boys and I have been grooving to!



Shake your tail feather!!!

pushing through it.

i have felt so down in the dumps today. i haven't felt like blogging, cleaning, changing diapers, doing laundry, comforting, using any capital letters while typing,breastfeeding, playing, feeding or taking care of anyone. so i have forced myself to do all these things because that is the only way I know to make it through these days.(except for the capital letters. totally rebelling on that one!) and obviously, my kids need to eat/have diapers changed/be played with/loved on/etc.

not sure if this is something i should be announcing to the world but i don't really care anymore. i have bi-polar disorder. i was diagnosed with this after mason was born and my antidepressants weren't cutting it anymore. i remember reading the paper my psychologist handed me talking about bi-polar disorder, symptoms, feelings- and thinking, how in the whole wide world can they put things i have never told anyone on a paper and nail exactly what it is i am feeling, doing, living.

i struggled with my meds for a loooooonnnnnnggggg time, taking them consistently, then not, when i felt i didn't need them(because they were working, duh!). this is a very common issue in the mental health world. i completely stopped taking them shortly before i conceived will and have been off them since. i was so worried before will was born that i was headed down the same path as after mason was born but it was such the opposite. i was on cloud nine(whatever that even means anyway). after theo was born came the big, dark hole. which completely and utterly SUCKED(i am using capitals for one.word.- that should tell you how badly it sucked)because it's hard enough having two babies, one older son and two bonus kiddos plus a house to take care of and a semester of school to finish up let alone a husband to spend time with and deal with deep, dark depression. that was not a pretty time at our house.

my meds pose big risks to my children if taken during pregnancy or breast feeding and its not a risk i am willing to take. i understand my mental health is important however breastfeeding my children for a full year, if not longer, is something that is just as important to me and i refuse to deprive them of that. i have up days and oh i have down days. i hope my children don't notice because i try like hell to push through it, force myself to do what i have to do. matt picks up the slack where he can because he is, oh, amazing and i take one day at a time. i have 5 more months until theo turns one and if he seems at all ready to wean come august, we will and i will go back on my meds. if not, we will go just a bit longer and then i will go back on my meds.

anyway....i have days like today...where i want to find a big, deep hole, lay in it and sleep for oh, say 1,000 years. it's hard to find the strength to even brush my hair, let alone take care of 3 other little lives. but i do it and i do it well. i am a good mom and while i would be silly to say it never affects our family or kids, if it affects them, it does mildly at best. this is my challenge and i am facing the challenge head on.

and whenever i do have days like i did today...i look at these sweet, beautiful and completely innocent faces. they inspire me.