12 am ramblings...

It's 12:30am on a Wednesday, I had way too many Mountain Dews today and I can't sleep.

So here I am…rambling. Oh, and also eating alfredo pasta.

Matt is out of town and it's crazy but even though I am surrounded by children, I have never felt more alone.

I want to be the kind of person that can sit comfortably alone with my own thoughts. I can't. Or I don't want to. I'm definitely not comfortable being alone with myself. I want to change this!

Over the past few weeks, my mama has been heavy on my mind. I was sitting at a sculpture park last week and a teenage boy and two adults walked by with heavy camera gear. I stopped and stared (because I'm a nosy creature) and it turns out they were shooting the teenage boy's senior pictures.
It flashed me back to when my senior pictures were shot- my mom was there, of course! She helped me pick out clothes, did my makeup and my hair and told me again and again how beautiful I was while simultaneously cracking jokes so I would smile. I had completely forgotten those moments, hadn't thought of them since she died, until that very second I saw this group at the sculpture park.

With the memories, comes the grief. Oh, fuck does it hurt! 13 years later and I still want her back. I was robbed, plain and simple and it fucking sucks.

I want her to know my kids. They don't know it but I sure feel a void missing from their and MY lives! She would have been a fantastic grandmother! I wonder what they would have called her. I know she wouldn't have missed a beat with my bonus kiddos- that she would have accepted and loved them as her own. I know this because that is what she did with my little sister (her dad married my mom). She made things special for my sister, Brittany. She remembered little details. She made people feel at ease, knew how to make them smile.

I find that when I do things lately, I do things to make my mama proud. Today, for instance I was quite productive. Cleaned out my disgusting fridge, swept the floor, cleaned the kitchen, made a billion phone calls to get Mason cleared to resume normal activity at school and swimming ( he sustained a concussion when he fell at school 2 weeks ago), went grocery shopping, mailed a package, made dinner, did the bedtime routine, and made sure at the end of it all, my kids heard, "I love you" one last time before they closed their eyes to dream.

I know she would have been proud of me today- for making the time to read with my children when all I wanted to do was crawl in bed, for getting the grocery shopping done early so I didn't have to take 3 kids with me ( yay for all day school for all 5 kids!) and so when they ARE home, I can spend that time with them. It's the little things I do that carry on what she gave me- which is how to be an amazing mother, just like her. As much as it fucking sucks, I guess that's what it is all about- carrying on her legacy.

My belly is full, my brain is tired, and it's time for bed. Don't worry, I have many more memories to share. It's good to be back.

Let's catch up, why don't we?!

Well, they are off!

We have a 1st grader, 2nd grader, 5th grader, one starting middle school and one starting high school. 

                                                       My baby boys and I  on their first day

How are we here already?! 

I struggled with my depression and anxiety a lot this summer. I suppose I have some guilt about the fact that we didn't do as much as I would have liked, due to these struggles. It's pretty hard to get kids ready and all the stuff you need to leave the house when you are trying to focus on not having a panic attack and breathing. 

I get frustrated that this is my struggle. I get tired of taking pills everyday. I get tired of having to explain to those I love why I am (at times) not able to go places, get certain things done, be all that I want to be. 

My anxiety reached a head about 10 weeks ago, the same time that things were hard-hard-hard in my marriage. We are working on it. It's a constant work in progress. Marriage is not for the faint of heart. 

I am taking positive steps though!!! 

1. I started taking one of my anxiety meds, Buspar during the day too, instead of just at night. 

2. I took a 20 min walk yesterday and will be doing that daily. 

3. I made an appointment with a counselor for my mental health issues and personal barriers I need help overcoming. 

4. I have gained a significant amount of weight on top of the weight I already needed to lose, due to my medications and bad choices.  I have started the process of having a weight loss surgery done and have my first appointment with a bariatric surgeon coming up in September. 

I'm proud of myself for the steps I have taken. I am going to start using this blog again- if only for a place to clear my head and just write. It's truly cathartic.