Tuesday, October 30, 2012

following my dreams while putting other ones on hold

When I was growing up and an adult would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was ALWAYS: a mother. 

I just knew.

 I started working in Geriatrics as a medication aide to support my son when I was a single mom. I discovered I was really good at what I was doing, and I actually loved it. Suddenly there was more to my dreams than being a mother- my dreams of becoming a nurse. 

So, I began pursuing that dream when Will was a baby by taking classes on and off. Part time classes worked out great at first, but as I have gotten closer and closer to nursing classes, the demands are harder and harder. 

Recently, it became clear to me that by being a student, I was not being the type of mother that my children need. I am not so much speaking about the older kids, but the NON self-sufficient 3 and 4 year old. 

They are with me all the time, minus 5 hours a week of preschool. I found I was entertaining them round the clock with movies just to get my assignments and studying done.  I noticed I was becoming more short with them, not really listening to them but instead hurrying their words along so I could get to the next thing on my list. I was constantly frustrated with them just for being there. 

When I was meeting their needs, my schoolwork was not getting the attention it needed. 

This is not the type of mother I want to be. This is not the type of student I want to be. 

So I made a choice- to put my dreams on hold for the sake of my children who need me 24/7 right now. 
They are little and they won't be home with me all day for very much longer. Will begins half day kindergarten next fall and Theo the fall after that. This time is super precious and I do not want to look back and think that I missed out on so much with them because of school.  

It was not an easy choice. I cried a lot of tears about it. I promised my mama and myself that I would graduate from college and I have every intention of doing that. However, right now, my children need me more than that dream needs to be realized. 

So I have dropped my classes and plan to go back in a few years when Theo is in full day school. 

Until then, if you need me, I will be:

snuggling my babies more
cleaning up the constant destruction of my two little tornadoes
and appreciating their little lives ever so much more. 

3 comments:

Kym said...

love this...no other words than that!

Marianne said...

you're very wise to be able to see the big picture...
don't look back don't look forward.
i know you'll finish school...when the time is right!

Heather said...

Love you! I know that decision must have been painstaking. You will be so blessed to be with the babies! I can't believe the relief I feel on my non-working days. It's like...we can go anywhere and do anything feeling!