spinning

they are getting taller and bigger
and it's November, oh my goodness
which leads to Christmas and then a whole new year and birthdays and
in my head it's already spring, then summer

and I can't slow it down
and I can't catch my breath
because laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, preschool help days, schoolwork, and all the rest of it
doesn't rest.

and oftentimes, I feel like I don't either.
I wake up each day thinking, Did I really sleep?
And is it really another day?

I fight to pull myself out of darkness daily.
I do it more for my children than for myself lately.
Thank God for them.

And I need to get to the doctor, need to tell her the words I hate saying
We need to try something else
But that's another trip, more money, more time that I just don't have.

So I take another anxiety med, do another school assignment, change another diaper, kiss another face.
I feel alone in a sea of faces. I am comforted by the memory of 2 months I felt normal, felt good.
And I know I will be there again soon- just as soon as I find the time.
I will find the time.

how i get by.

I felt it today. Hard. That familiar pull that tells me, "Just go climb in bed and sleep all day-it's a waste of time to be up, to be alive." My depression sneaks in so suddenly, and then WHAM!  I HAVE been taking my medication for just about 2 months now, but it does not completely eradicate these feelings.

I am so thankful for a partner who is compassionate to this yuck. I shared my feelings and he wisely told me to get up and move around. The thought sounds lovely, but the effort- not so much.  So then he said, "Just stand up."

I stood. He put on music, took my hand and danced with me.

Then I decided all of us needed to escape the house for a bit! So I made sandwiches for supper, rinsed a huge container of grapes and we walked to the park near our house. We ate our pb&J's and watched the sunset. The boys played and played while I took on a swinging competition with Miss Daphne.

Then we walked home where a Jason Mraz concert was still playing on the tv. So we danced. How can one be depressed while watching a 3 year old shake his booty? You just cannot.

These are the moments that get me through. Thank goodness for these beautiful lives that surround me with love when I am down.