Wobbling through the Muck

My heart is heavy tonight.

Despite my six year old returning from a weekend with his dad {it is always wonderful to have him back home!}, good dinner with my three boys and a laidback evening, I cannot seem to make this smile on my face feel genuine.

My dad has re-entered my life in the past week. Despite many quiet moments pondering, I am still at a loss as to if I should be hopeful or just move on. I am afraid to fully let this person back into my life, in any form, knowing he could possibly shatter me once again.

So much of everything hurting inside me wants to scream truthful yet stinging words at him. The other parts of me want to forgive and forget. Maybe there is a necessity for a little of both?

I guess I am, for the first time in my life, actually acknowledging what growing up without a father present did to me. How it changed me. How it affected my choices.

And I am angry!

 At times I want to howl and screech and wail at the unfairness of it all! How fair is it that I  lost my mother at seventeen and also have a father who has been in and out of my life, with little to no reliability and dependability?!

I do believe there are reasons for it all. As much as all the trauma in my life has added sadness and hurt, it has also shaped the person I am, for the better. I am strong. I am absolutely a survivor.

But it doesn't stop it from hurting. This past week has been a week of  reflecting, pondering and analyzing all the hurt, all the good and all the in-between.

So, while there is beauty all around me {my children, the changing season, the way the Lord is opening my eyes} there is still much sadness right now.

 I am not really sure what to do but muck through it all to end up on the other side-so that is just what I am doing.