my life rocks.

                                          This is the only picture I took on Christmas Day.

                                                Totally sums up how great the day was! 
                                     This is my niece, Ryan. Isn't she gorgeous?!

We are in the middle of Matt's 2 week staycation extravaganza!
AKA We might have strep (again!) and the house is just now getting picked up after Christmas. :)
Despite the germs, I have loved every minute of having my lovey home. I miss this bearded fella while he is at work.

Boys have been loving their break from school when Mom's new everyday response is, "Pajamas? Why not?"

                                    Pajamas also mean robes and any accessories we can find.

There was even one day when Mason & Jack cleaned the kitchen! Jump back!

                          And of course, life wouldn't be complete without my Daffy Laffy Taffy.

                                 Hi! I am from Amish land and this is my sidekick, Meow.

                                          This is how she looks at me 85% of the time.

All this to say:
 Life is good, Christmas was grand and our family is really looking forward to the new year!

                                                                 Happy Holidays!

happy tofurkey day!

Will is thankful for games, birthdays, and cow racing. Makes perfect sense to me.

rambling for 200, Alex.

I wish I knew how it all ends.

I have been known to skip to the end and read the last few pages. 

I remind myself often to live in the moment but my brain flits away to next week's preschool board meeting and all that must be accomplished before then. All the activities and lessons of life that will take place between now and then. 

The me of ten years ago looking in would be jealous. Anxious for all that I have been given. 

Here, inside it, it feels overwhelming. 

I feel pressure to be so many things to so many people. With a smile on my face. 

Yet I dream of adding more on my plate- and that dream exhilirates me.

There are two places in this world I am most comfortable: with my mother and with my Matty. One no longer exists and that makes me melancholy.   I am a vegan that occasionally becomes vegetarian. I am an agnostic. I am raising five children. I believe in soul mates and that I have found mine. I believe in being positive but I fail daily. I regularly make no sense at all. And I am ok with that. 

ring pops for the win!

                                                   Matt left this morning for a business trip.

                                            Good thing I have 3 cute boys to share my bed. :)

eating of the kids Halloween candy is totally included...

                                                                       It's Friday night.

                                                        I stupidly agreed to watch this movie:

Big mistake. 

I am going to have nightmares for weeks. 

following my dreams while putting other ones on hold

When I was growing up and an adult would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was ALWAYS: a mother. 

I just knew.

 I started working in Geriatrics as a medication aide to support my son when I was a single mom. I discovered I was really good at what I was doing, and I actually loved it. Suddenly there was more to my dreams than being a mother- my dreams of becoming a nurse. 

So, I began pursuing that dream when Will was a baby by taking classes on and off. Part time classes worked out great at first, but as I have gotten closer and closer to nursing classes, the demands are harder and harder. 

Recently, it became clear to me that by being a student, I was not being the type of mother that my children need. I am not so much speaking about the older kids, but the NON self-sufficient 3 and 4 year old. 

They are with me all the time, minus 5 hours a week of preschool. I found I was entertaining them round the clock with movies just to get my assignments and studying done.  I noticed I was becoming more short with them, not really listening to them but instead hurrying their words along so I could get to the next thing on my list. I was constantly frustrated with them just for being there. 

When I was meeting their needs, my schoolwork was not getting the attention it needed. 

This is not the type of mother I want to be. This is not the type of student I want to be. 

So I made a choice- to put my dreams on hold for the sake of my children who need me 24/7 right now. 

They are little and they won't be home with me all day for very much longer. Will begins half day kindergarten next fall and Theo the fall after that. This time is super precious and I do not want to look back and think that I missed out on so much with them because of school.  

It was not an easy choice. I cried a lot of tears about it. I promised my mama and myself that I would graduate from college and I have every intention of doing that. However, right now, my children need me more than that dream needs to be realized. 

So I have dropped my classes and plan to go back in a few years when Theo is in full day school. 

Until then, if you need me, I will be:

snuggling my babies more

cleaning up the constant destruction of my two little tornadoes

and appreciating their little lives ever so much more. 

3 years ago....

I was holding my precious baby after 26 hours of labor and a tumultuous birth story.

I love you baby boy. 

You captured my heart three years ago. 

And you still have it. 

Love, Mama