12 am ramblings...

It's 12:30am on a Wednesday, I had way too many Mountain Dews today and I can't sleep.

So here I am…rambling. Oh, and also eating alfredo pasta.

Matt is out of town and it's crazy but even though I am surrounded by children, I have never felt more alone.

I want to be the kind of person that can sit comfortably alone with my own thoughts. I can't. Or I don't want to. I'm definitely not comfortable being alone with myself. I want to change this!

Over the past few weeks, my mama has been heavy on my mind. I was sitting at a sculpture park last week and a teenage boy and two adults walked by with heavy camera gear. I stopped and stared (because I'm a nosy creature) and it turns out they were shooting the teenage boy's senior pictures.
It flashed me back to when my senior pictures were shot- my mom was there, of course! She helped me pick out clothes, did my makeup and my hair and told me again and again how beautiful I was while simultaneously cracking jokes so I would smile. I had completely forgotten those moments, hadn't thought of them since she died, until that very second I saw this group at the sculpture park.

With the memories, comes the grief. Oh, fuck does it hurt! 13 years later and I still want her back. I was robbed, plain and simple and it fucking sucks.

I want her to know my kids. They don't know it but I sure feel a void missing from their and MY lives! She would have been a fantastic grandmother! I wonder what they would have called her. I know she wouldn't have missed a beat with my bonus kiddos- that she would have accepted and loved them as her own. I know this because that is what she did with my little sister (her dad married my mom). She made things special for my sister, Brittany. She remembered little details. She made people feel at ease, knew how to make them smile.

I find that when I do things lately, I do things to make my mama proud. Today, for instance I was quite productive. Cleaned out my disgusting fridge, swept the floor, cleaned the kitchen, made a billion phone calls to get Mason cleared to resume normal activity at school and swimming ( he sustained a concussion when he fell at school 2 weeks ago), went grocery shopping, mailed a package, made dinner, did the bedtime routine, and made sure at the end of it all, my kids heard, "I love you" one last time before they closed their eyes to dream.

I know she would have been proud of me today- for making the time to read with my children when all I wanted to do was crawl in bed, for getting the grocery shopping done early so I didn't have to take 3 kids with me ( yay for all day school for all 5 kids!) and so when they ARE home, I can spend that time with them. It's the little things I do that carry on what she gave me- which is how to be an amazing mother, just like her. As much as it fucking sucks, I guess that's what it is all about- carrying on her legacy.

My belly is full, my brain is tired, and it's time for bed. Don't worry, I have many more memories to share. It's good to be back.

Let's catch up, why don't we?!

Well, they are off!

We have a 1st grader, 2nd grader, 5th grader, one starting middle school and one starting high school. 

                                                       My baby boys and I  on their first day

How are we here already?! 

I struggled with my depression and anxiety a lot this summer. I suppose I have some guilt about the fact that we didn't do as much as I would have liked, due to these struggles. It's pretty hard to get kids ready and all the stuff you need to leave the house when you are trying to focus on not having a panic attack and breathing. 

I get frustrated that this is my struggle. I get tired of taking pills everyday. I get tired of having to explain to those I love why I am (at times) not able to go places, get certain things done, be all that I want to be. 

My anxiety reached a head about 10 weeks ago, the same time that things were hard-hard-hard in my marriage. We are working on it. It's a constant work in progress. Marriage is not for the faint of heart. 

I am taking positive steps though!!! 

1. I started taking one of my anxiety meds, Buspar during the day too, instead of just at night. 

2. I took a 20 min walk yesterday and will be doing that daily. 

3. I made an appointment with a counselor for my mental health issues and personal barriers I need help overcoming. 

4. I have gained a significant amount of weight on top of the weight I already needed to lose, due to my medications and bad choices.  I have started the process of having a weight loss surgery done and have my first appointment with a bariatric surgeon coming up in September. 

I'm proud of myself for the steps I have taken. I am going to start using this blog again- if only for a place to clear my head and just write. It's truly cathartic. 

Tell me about your life Tuesday!

I have been battling with headaches for the past few days. I have another one right now and typing is distracting me from the pain.

"Ow, ow, fuckity ow"
(the one who knows what movie this is from is my is my new best friend)


I had an interview at Starbucks yesterday to be a barista. I was very nervous! I stumbled over my words a couple times but other than that, I think I did pretty well. I find out if I am hired by tomorrow. I need something to get me out of my house, and make some money. Sugar Mama right here. ;)

There are only 6 months left until my Theo is in full day kindergarten. I am really trying to cherish time with just the two of us at home-it is going to be so quiet come August. I plan to be either working or going to school or both once there are no little people under my care during the day. I have to say I am pretty excited about this new stage of life too!

I am eating a delicious pear,  drinking my almond milk with a little bit of coffee and brown sugar (try it, it's UH-MAAZING!), and thinking just how lucky I am to have this life I do.


!! It's Tuesday. Tell me about YOUR life !!

a 'nuggly Monday.

I head upstairs with my sweet four year old boy, Theo, for his nap.

He lays his head down, then sits right back up.

"Mama- let's 'nuggle."

Dishes wait for me. Laundry needs to be done. The house could use a thorough vacuuming.

Instead, I 'nuggle.

And it's worth a dirty house. So worth it. 

So incredibly worth feeling my son slowly fall asleep while my arms comfort him.

And with those moments of closeness with my baby boy, I no longer have a case of the Mondays.

Monday is beautiful today. 

therapy is therapeutic. imagine that.

Confession: I am seeing a therapist and I love her!! 

I have long been told by my doctor that a counselor of some sort can be super beneficial to those with bipolar disorder. 

And I have not listened for a long time. 

Then I started to just feel really unhappy. Unfulfilled. I needed some direction in my life. My heart was yearning for change and growth. 

A friend recommended her therapist to me. We are working on so much: 

my self esteem

learning how to communicate more effectively

letting go of bad habits

the psychological reasons behind my emotional eating and eating issues

being kind and compassionate to myself

meditating and grounding myself- such a cool concept that helps the manic Nicole focus.

For the first time in a long while, I feel hopeful for the future. 

(A lot of this also has to do with FINALLY working with my doctors (yes, plural)  on a regular basis to adjust, experiment, and figure out the right combo of medications that will work for me. 

I am in a really good place, and learning to accept me for who I am- the good and the "bad".

boys and chaos and trashed house, oh my!

                                         We are on Day 4 of Spring Break in this here house.

Yep. That pretty much sums things up.

I hate March.

The 27th of March is an odd place for me. 

My mother's birthday falls on the 26th of March and she left this world on the 28th of March. This year, I decided we needed to celebrate her birthday. I had some drinks, like I would have done with her. I planned to make cupcakes, but too late in the day, I realized I didn't have everything in the cupboards and fridge I needed for a cupcake endeavor. Despite that, I felt genuine happiness yesterday in thinking of her on the day that brought her spirit into this world.

In years past, this month of March has brought with it pain. Before my brain even realizes it's March, my spirit knows. It remembers the hard, HARD moments of the year 2002. It plays over and over the scenes of her life ending. This brings me so much sadness and in my brain, March is also known as The Month Of Tears.

This year, it is as if the tears are stopped up. I want to cry, to feel that release and yet, I had not been able to. As Matt and I were getting ready to go to bed, I suddenly  began to cry as if my life depended on it. My heart certainly did. All of the emotions of the day suddenly flooded out their release. It felt good to cry. It also felt really good to say goodbye to yesterday.

Then came the 27th.

The 27th is the day my mama was admitted into the Hospice Unit of the hospital, and the day we said our last goodbyes, as my mother was put into a medication induced coma. My family and I were told that it would not be long before she passed away, and yet she kept fighting. This day represents a day of waiting between life (her birthday) and the next day, when she lost her fight with lung cancer.

I have told myself over and over that these few days are just that-days. I tell that to my heart and yet it does not believe me. The pain is fresh in this week, every year.

I miss her scrambled egg breakfast creations.

I miss the way she threw her entire head back when she laughed.

I miss the relationship I had with her- the way she loved me, the way she knew me.

I miss being able to talk to her about anything and never feeling judged.

I miss things I never knew I would miss at the time:
her smell
watching her mother myself and my brother
how she always inspired me to be a better version of myself


This day is the in-between of it all, and it sucks.
I ache to share my present life with her.
I remember her- what she taught me, what she showed me, how she loved me.
That is how I get through.
Still, I hate March.

my life rocks.

                                          This is the only picture I took on Christmas Day.

                                                Totally sums up how great the day was! 
                                     This is my niece, Ryan. Isn't she gorgeous?!

We are in the middle of Matt's 2 week staycation extravaganza!
AKA We might have strep (again!) and the house is just now getting picked up after Christmas. :)
Despite the germs, I have loved every minute of having my lovey home. I miss this bearded fella while he is at work.

Boys have been loving their break from school when Mom's new everyday response is, "Pajamas? Why not?"

                                    Pajamas also mean robes and any accessories we can find.

There was even one day when Mason & Jack cleaned the kitchen! Jump back!

                          And of course, life wouldn't be complete without my Daffy Laffy Taffy.

                                 Hi! I am from Amish land and this is my sidekick, Meow.

                                          This is how she looks at me 85% of the time.

All this to say:
 Life is good, Christmas was grand and our family is really looking forward to the new year!

                                                                 Happy Holidays!

happy tofurkey day!

Will is thankful for games, birthdays, and cow racing. Makes perfect sense to me.

rambling for 200, Alex.

I wish I knew how it all ends.

I have been known to skip to the end and read the last few pages. 

I remind myself often to live in the moment but my brain flits away to next week's preschool board meeting and all that must be accomplished before then. All the activities and lessons of life that will take place between now and then. 

The me of ten years ago looking in would be jealous. Anxious for all that I have been given. 

Here, inside it, it feels overwhelming. 

I feel pressure to be so many things to so many people. With a smile on my face. 

Yet I dream of adding more on my plate- and that dream exhilirates me.

There are two places in this world I am most comfortable: with my mother and with my Matty. One no longer exists and that makes me melancholy.   I am a vegan that occasionally becomes vegetarian. I am an agnostic. I am raising five children. I believe in soul mates and that I have found mine. I believe in being positive but I fail daily. I regularly make no sense at all. And I am ok with that. 

ring pops for the win!

                                                   Matt left this morning for a business trip.

                                            Good thing I have 3 cute boys to share my bed. :)

eating of the kids Halloween candy is totally included...

                                                                       It's Friday night.

                                                        I stupidly agreed to watch this movie:

Big mistake. 

I am going to have nightmares for weeks. 

following my dreams while putting other ones on hold

When I was growing up and an adult would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was ALWAYS: a mother. 

I just knew.

 I started working in Geriatrics as a medication aide to support my son when I was a single mom. I discovered I was really good at what I was doing, and I actually loved it. Suddenly there was more to my dreams than being a mother- my dreams of becoming a nurse. 

So, I began pursuing that dream when Will was a baby by taking classes on and off. Part time classes worked out great at first, but as I have gotten closer and closer to nursing classes, the demands are harder and harder. 

Recently, it became clear to me that by being a student, I was not being the type of mother that my children need. I am not so much speaking about the older kids, but the NON self-sufficient 3 and 4 year old. 

They are with me all the time, minus 5 hours a week of preschool. I found I was entertaining them round the clock with movies just to get my assignments and studying done.  I noticed I was becoming more short with them, not really listening to them but instead hurrying their words along so I could get to the next thing on my list. I was constantly frustrated with them just for being there. 

When I was meeting their needs, my schoolwork was not getting the attention it needed. 

This is not the type of mother I want to be. This is not the type of student I want to be. 

So I made a choice- to put my dreams on hold for the sake of my children who need me 24/7 right now. 

They are little and they won't be home with me all day for very much longer. Will begins half day kindergarten next fall and Theo the fall after that. This time is super precious and I do not want to look back and think that I missed out on so much with them because of school.  

It was not an easy choice. I cried a lot of tears about it. I promised my mama and myself that I would graduate from college and I have every intention of doing that. However, right now, my children need me more than that dream needs to be realized. 

So I have dropped my classes and plan to go back in a few years when Theo is in full day school. 

Until then, if you need me, I will be:

snuggling my babies more

cleaning up the constant destruction of my two little tornadoes

and appreciating their little lives ever so much more. 

3 years ago....

I was holding my precious baby after 26 hours of labor and a tumultuous birth story.

I love you baby boy. 

You captured my heart three years ago. 

And you still have it. 

Love, Mama

Cupcakes make the world a better place!

Lessons learned during red, white, and blue cupcake endeavor:

1. The white inserts that come in foil cupcake wrappers are NOT meant to be used! They are just there to separate the foil wrappers. If you KNEW this, please to be pretending you did not.

2. Check and make sure BEFORE ATTEMPTING CUPCAKES, that you have enough oil and food coloring. Those things are kind of NECESSARY.

3. Do not count on the box of cupcakes that SAY they will make 24, actually making 24. Barely made 12.

4. No matter what, do not ask your husband to make a batch of cake batter for more cupcakes. This will end with your cupcakes looking awful and his looking marvelous.  ( I totally asked him if I could claim his cupcakes as mine. The amazing guy that he is, he said yes.)

5. Cupcakes are a delicious snack, even at 2pm.

RED!WHITE!andBLUE!

Happy fourthofjuly!!!!
I hope your day holds lots of adventure, fun, family, friends and yummy foods!

I am getting ready to clean my kitchen and upstairs, make these cupcakes:

and head out to celebrate, watch fireworks and enjoy the day with my family!

I've done my share.

Today I left some dishes dirty,
The bed got made around 3:30.

The diapers soaked a little longer,
The odor grew a little stronger.
The crumbs I spilled the day before
Are staring at me from the floor.
The fingerprints there on the wall
Will likely be there still next fall.
The dirty streaks on those windowpanes
Will still be there next time it rains.
Shame on you, you sit and say,
Just what did you do today?

I held my son until he slept,
I comforted my toddler while he wept.
I played a game of hide and seek,
I squeezed a toy so it would squeak.
I pulled a wagon, sang a song,
Taught a child right from wrong.
What did I do this whole day through?
Not much that shows, I guess that's s true.
Unless you think that what I've done,
Might be important to someone
With deep blue eyes and soft brown hair,
If that is true... I've done my share.

I found this in the comments of another blogger's post, and tweaked the words to make them my own. 

                  My house may not be clean but my babies are happy, healthy, and very loved! 

                                                            That is what matters!

Mama's HOT!

As we drove home from a very hot, very fun, very UN air-conditioned lodge reunion, I thought all the way home about how I could not WAIT to get to our air conditioned house.

Then we arrived home- where it turns out, sometime in the 3 days we were gone- that wonderful air conditioner BROKE.

In weather like this:

Please to be noticing this photo was taken at 8:22pm and it is STILL 93 degrees!

Uggghhhhhhhhh. I know these are first world problems but it is HOT in this house!

So I am currently sitting in my bra and yoga capris drinking Soy Chai in the largest cup I own and eating unwashed red grapes straight out of the bag ( I live dangerously) while The Chicago Code streams from Netflix onto our tv. Blocks and toys are all over the living room floor, the coffee table is littered with cups and bottles, I have not unpacked a single item of clothing, and I will not be moving any time soon.

I am as classy as they come. 

Hello mountains...here we come!

Summer has happened since the last time I posted, and man is it glorious!!

No more driving Mason 30 minutes each way to school.
No more out of the house at the crack of dawn.

Instead, there is lots of staying in our pajamas until 11am, running in the sprinkler, popsicles, growing our garden, and playing. It.is.fabulous!

This weekend, we are off to a family reunion in the mountains! We have kind of been hermits the last week so it will be nice to get out in the mountain air, visit with family, and just be. The amount of stuff I have packed for our family of 7 is completely ridiculous, and I am not even done.

The reunion is 40+ miles from where we live, and my never dull husband decided it would be fun to bike up there. I chickened out but Daphy decided to join and Matt is pulling Mason and Jack in the bike trailer.

The kids were super excited this morning to head out! 

All 5 of my kids!!

So proud of Daffy Duck! 10 years old and taking on a 42 mile bike ride!

Will wanted to be strong like Daph. :) 

The big boys all ready to go in the trailer!

And off they rode!!

I have about a hundred more things to pack and then will be heading out this afternoon and will meet them up there! 

I am looking forward to a great weekend with my family, immediate and extended. 

our day, summarized.

This morning I hit and killed a bird while driving. :( In my defense, it was fluttering after a moth in the street and by the time I realized it wasn't moving, it was too late.

I was on my way to meet some friends at our local park. I promised my little boys park play and a train ride on the train that chugs around the park.

However, shortly after arriving, the entire left side of Theo's face became puffy and splotchy and his eye and left nostril were continuously leaking. It was clear he was having an allergic reaction. My godmom (who was there with us) thankfully drove the 5 minutes to her house and grabbed some Benadryl for poor little Theo.

Once the Benadryl kicked in, my baby boy was ready for a nap. So I dragged a screaming Will away from his promised train adventure and managed to get both my little dudes buckled in their seats.

We came home, where the 4 and 2 year olds went straight down for a nap. Mason's dad picks him up from school on Wednesdays so I had no plans for 3 hours. My sink was full of dishes. My living room is cluttered with mess and our bathrooms need a good scrubbing. There is laundry waiting for me, shelves to dust in the little's room and a desk to organize in my own room.

So I took a nap. :)

The house will still be waiting for me tonight. And I feel better equipped to take on the previous tasks, my kids and anything else that comes my way this Wednesday evening.

After all, I believe I still owe my son a train ride.