Gasping for breath...

Oh my goodness, my life is good! Seriously, it really is and I want to start with that...because I just really have it so good. What a transformation my life has taken from 4 years ago and I get to spend everyday with my beautiful boys..doing what I was made to do...be their Mama. Not to mention that I get to wake up every morning next to the love of my life...I really try very hard not to take for granted what I have been given!

I know life is great. My depression doesn't seem to know that. Or the anxiety attacks that keep hitting me{in really embarassing, public places, I might add}over and over and over. I don't know WHY it keeps happening but it's gotten to the point where it's really affecting my life.

I just want to feel normal, which are also the words I whispered to my wonderful Matty last night.

I don't want to worry that while I am at the grocery store, I will suddenly feel my chest caving in and be gasping for breath like I am choking. I don't want to be experiencing a panic attack in the middle of a kitchen filled with family. These are the things that have been happening. I can't stop it. I can't control it. I just try to sit down and breathe.

So, I have decided to make an appt with my doctor, and you know, blog about it. Because I am determined to chronicle my life through my blog and it's more than just the sunshiny stuff...it's real life.

a date with another boy...shhhhh

Mason is such an incredible little boy. He is a HUGE helper to me and an AWESOME big brother but he has really had to adapt a LOT with two babies in two years coming into our family and before that- suddenly going from only child to one of three.

Our family has really grown in big ways and I wouldn't hesitate for a second now to refer to all of our kids as each other's brother or sister....but it didn't start out that way. Blending two families together into one and then rapidly bringing more kids into the picture was hard- Mason has taken it all in stride. (But please don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade our kids, our lives, our history for a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g!)

Because we are SO incredibly busy, and the babies occupy much of my time, Mason doesn't get a whole lot of me alone. We try to read books, do activities, play in the backyard or watch a movie together while babies nap. But it was certainly HIGH TIME for a Mason & Mama date!

When I told Mason we were going on a date, he ran straight to his room and asked me which of these shirts he should wear:

My sweet boy was dressing up for our date.

After he was all ready, we did some cheesing: 

                                  Doesn't mai boy look soooo handsome?

We went to Target to use up his gift card and tooth fairy money, to the library to have *undisturbed by babies* reading and browsing of kids books, to Spooners, {new frozen yogurt place which Mas wasn't a fan of, it was different}, over to my friend Amber and Mason's friend CJ's{amber's son} new house to FINALLY check it out, and then to Dairy Queen{he got a blizzard in place of the nasty yogurt*}. It was a fun night- just me and my boy! It's pretty rushed with the babies when we go anywhere and it was wonderful to just enjoy my firstborn without the distraction of little people.

*Mason's yogurt was probably only nasty because he mixed Cookies'n'Cream with Mandarin Orange- yah, not the best choice. Since we were on our special date, I let him get a Blizzard later to make up for the yuck flavor mix. From now *on* we will be using the sample cups to try the flavor first. :) And MINE was REALLY good- New York Cheesecake with Chocolate...mmmmmm.

Moments

Today I am relishing in the sweetness of every moment in my life .

The perfect baby smell that is my 11 month old.

A normally VERY, independent,  two year old reaching his hands out to me, saying, Hol(hold), peaaase.

My 6 year old standing tall in front of me and realizing he now comes up to the middle of my chest.


Making Mii characters on the Wii with my 1st grader and laughing so hard at the different noses and hairstyles, reading books with my toddler while he holds my hand, nursing my baby and watching him stare into my eyes- these are precious moments I will NEVER forget.


These children of mine are UH-mazing and teach me love in ways I didn't know existed.

I am so, so, truly blessed.

It's one of those days....

One of those days where I just want to talk to my mama! I just want to drive to where she is, have her hug me like only your mom can and sit and talk with her for hours.

I want to pour out my heart to her and then get her advice, because, let's face it, Mama knows best! :)

I want to be able to talk to the only person in the world who just completely got.me. Without explanation, without any effort, she made me and so she knew me- like only a mother can.

My cup is seriously empty today. I am not quite sure how to fill it. And man, do I just want my mom.

The kid knows how to throw down.

in which i become vulnerable

Today is a big day, people! Today is the day I open up my other blog to you- the blog that shows how much I weigh, the food habits I struggle with, the things I am doing to change it.

I hope you will give me your support, Blogging World.


So, without further ado:

http://fightwiththefork.blogspot.com/


{Edited to add: I did have many other posts on that blog...but decided to start again...hope you will join in my journey with me.) :)

Link Love

It's raining here in Colorado and I am fighting the urge to curl up in a blanket and nap while my kids do, because I am trying to get a few things organized. The urge is strong though. Why does rain always make me sleepy?

  Today, I am posting links to some things I think are awesome and some things that have really touched me. I hope these links encourage your heart, add a little fun and make you count your blessings.

As a parent, I really relate to this post. 
As a woman, this post hit home. And made me quickly turn to my husband and tell him, My lips are my favorite physical attribute- I love them- just so you know. {i think he thought i was nuts, bc that came out of nowhere. hehe}

I am a HUGE Etsy fan! If you don't know what Etsy is, don't waste another minute of your life not knowing. Go check it out. If you need a place to start, I big time heart this, this and this.

And in closing, I ask you to please be in prayer for this family. They lost their precious little boy, Cohen. I can't even imagine. I know the grief of losing a parent- but losing a child? My heart breaks for them.

Family and Fireworks and Fevers, Oh My!

Hope everyone had a GREAT 4th!!

I got up at 430am{ick!ew!}, worked until 3, drove straight home, jumped in shower, helped get kids ready, packed up our gear and headed over to the brother-in-law's for some good 'ol illegal fireworks!

Only problem: It rained...and when I say rained, I mean poured.
But...we hung around and ate and had fun with family and were able to do a few fireworks...by the time we got home it was 1230. We were all pooped. I was starting to get delirious by the time I crawled into bed at 1am but it was such a fun day!

                                          

Yes, Mr. Theo is in a big boy carseat. One month until he is one and he outgrew his old car seat.{the kid is ma.ss.ive.}We weren't about to buy another one when we already have this car seat waiting for him- so we turned him around. He LOVES it.


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Will has come down with something. He started fevering Saturday morning and by afternoon he was H.O.T. I called the doc and he said roseola has been going around- hydrate and give Motrin and let it run its course. {i hate when they say that, i know there is nothing they can do, but i hate when they say that.}

So, it's been Motrin every 6 hours and sippy cups of apple juice around these parts...he is still feeling yucky. And tired. I have never seen Will so tired.

The kid fell asleep in his chair, laying down, at lunch time. Don't believe me? See for yourself.

                              

                                            
I called the doctor today because 4 days of fevering seems excessive. They said it's very normal and if he is still fevering by the morning, then they would want to see him. Roseola is high fevers for several days, followed by a rash- I hope that's not what he has...but since there are no cold or flu symptoms alongside the fever, I really think it might be.


Meanwhile:

-Theo is refusing to walk. I try to walk with him and he just drops to his butt. Silly. He was such an early crawler and cruiser, I was convinced he would be an early walker...you just never can tell...
-Mason is enjoying his summer{playing outside, activities, parks, etc}. He slept in until 10am the other day. 10am. I felt like I had a teenager.
-Jack is loving playing t-ball-he hit a home run last week.
-Daphne is just busy being a girl....she cracks me up.
-and ALL of us are looking forward to our swim lessons that start next week! The 3 older kids are all in different levels{based on their experience}and Matt and I are both doing the Parent-Child swim class at the same time with Will and Theo! We are all super excited!


How are you enjoying your summer?

Never say Never

Unsinkable ships sink. Unbreakable walls break. Sometimes the things you think will never happen, happen just like that. Unbendable steel bends- if the fury of the wind is unstoppable. I've learned to never underestimate the impossible.    -Joe Nichols

God is teaching me so much lately- or I should say, I am finally listening to what He is telling me. 

It is bringing an amazing feeling of peace- when I can't control something(which is aLOT in my world these days) I give it to him. It's so freeing to hand it over.

I can't control other people and their choices...but I can pray for them. I do believe that people can change. I do believe that God can change people- He has changed me. Praying more has given me more hope, more peace and more faith that a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g. can happen!

And not be conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. 
-Romans 12:2

Blogger Day of Silence for Beautiful Baby Cohen

In support of Brent and Megan's loss of their sweet baby Cohen, please join in and link up here in the Blogger Day of Silence until 11:59pm.